This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there so this includes other categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy.
Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review
10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner a number of WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed use of the language.
9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a weak platform as Amazon reviews.
8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become that reviewer who everyone scrolls through to get to the next pithy statement and will be so noted in the comments section
7 When writing an Amazon review do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best those who disagree, will make their thoughts known and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)
6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars.
5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on how to remedy a problem with the product. If you do, at best the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with problems they are having and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. Things will get ugly fast if you don’t help them.
4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or like. If you do, at best you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader.
3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best there is no way to write a review which will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself into an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public and be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room.
2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best your negative review will be the exception and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. Your bad experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit.
1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone so you need not take care in its construction. If you do, at best all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that by its very sloppiness needs to be mocked to the fullest. Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”
Fiction Favorites 
I have to admit I always find it weird when a reviewer claims to be ‘saving others from a product’. It ends up turning me off to the review unless the person is actually saving lives. Like if the ceiling fan they’re reviewing has a habit of attacking people in their sleep.
Thanks for the review yesterday by the way.
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I imagine these people sitting in their lonely room thinking of ways to be helpful so they decide to save the world from the ravages of a potato peeler. BTW really enjoyed GypsieS. Looking forward to the next.
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Those potato peelers are devastating. Right up there with tenderizing mallets and measuring spoons.
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It always surprises me when a statement from my review is pulled out and used as a selling point/lure to entice other readers to buy. I’m always left wondering why? I also feel like I’m working for Amazon.
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Amazon totally ignores me, so I think you are lucky.
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This is funny, especially since I do a fair amount of shopping at Amazon and I rarely write reviews of things other than books 😉
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I have seen some really unusual reviews on products. I guess I should say on books as well. Thanks. Thank you for the re-blog.
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Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
For all you people who love to write to reviews of anything and everything 🙂 Monday humor from John Howell!
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I really liked this, John. It was amazing and surprisingly fantastic! BOOM! 🙂
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LOL. Thanks Jill.
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My favorites are the reviewers who complain about the writing quality of a book in a review without punctuation or capitalization.
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That does seem a bit out of place. I also like the ones who give a negative review based on their dislikes of a particular genre. Why not just NOT read the damn book in the first place if you don’t like the genre?
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I really enjoyed this John. I might add my own pet peeve to your list — writing the same summary that appear on the back of the book. I can read that myself. For a review, I want to know how they enjoyed it.
Also, I’ll take your advice about which “personal” products I review. LOL!!! 😀
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Yes, reviewing a personal product can have its downside . Enjoy too much = perv. Enjoy too little = prude. Thanks for the comment.
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Reblogged this on Best Selling Author of Historical Romance and commented:
I know, I wasn’t going to blog anymore…. But here’s a laugh for you from a friend.
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Excellent advice for all!
Reblogging later this week via pingback.
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Thank you
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I have a suggestion for next week: things not to do when responding as an author to reviews on Amazon. Actually, that list should contain only one item: don’t! But seriously, I’ve seen some outrageous author-responses to reviews. But then usually their books are outrageous to start with…
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When I was with Marie Bailey we did the top ten things not to do when you get a bad review. I’ll have to hunt it up
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I must have missed it. Was it on this blog or a different one?
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Funny stuff, John–and mostly because they are ALL true LOL. I especially enjoyed #3 and #9. Thanks for sharing:)
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Thank you so much for the visit and I’m glad you enjoyed them.
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In regards to #4…but I’m blessed with only a working knowledge of the English language.
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#BOOM. You are amazing.
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Like several others here, I’m always agog at the grammar nazis who cannot be bothered to punctuate or spell anything correctly.
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Whenever I see a critic with bad grammar, I usually think of the arrogant souls who have the audacity to say, “do as I say not as I do.” Thanks.
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Look up VEET hair removal cream reviews on Amazon for a filth laden set of hysterical reviews!
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Funny, but based on experience. How about a post on the 10 things to say, thus allowing us to come here for to copy/paste.
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Ten things to say in a review.1. Loved it. 2. Interesting 3. Works well. 4. Could be cleaner. 5. My wife left me over it.6. The box worked better than the item. 7. My lawyer will be contacting the company. 8. The story was great. Too bad it wasn’t true. 9. I want my money back. 10. The mailman was bitten by my dog.
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Excellent … I’ve bookmarked this post for copy/paste purposes.
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Ha ha ha.
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Great list, John!!
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Great tips, John. Interesting how reviews make more of an impact to a writer than actual sales!
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Well, sometimes sales are a little elusive so the review is the tangible part of acceptance.
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“do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review.” Lol!
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Thank you.
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