This list was put together and published today since next Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Although a little early, it just wouldn’t do to publish it next Monday which would be the 16th. Since most of America goes bonkers in trying to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up and there will be a definite discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day
10 On Valentine ’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday,” as the truth. If you do, at best you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff which can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (the only cards left at this hour are the big lace lined mushy verses to grandma and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)
9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu which has everything you and your partner would call Terminix to get rid of along with ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish.
8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt and your partner will feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity that will probably end up badly not to mention an intervention by the local community police.
7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best you will survive with a thought next year you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook , Twitter, Pinterest and the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift which goes viral with over a million views.
6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best be prepared to see your item on E-bay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now as you are doing the spring garage clean out in preparation for the community garage sale and you notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales.
5 On Valentine ’s Day, do not buy chocolate covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac, the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella free fruit was way overstated.
4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best you will make it home before the rose buds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet.
3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolate’s you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best the freezer burn will give you away and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart and you will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the common chocolate truffle which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google whose results are sure to render your story as a complete fabrication.
2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say exactly what you want to say. If you do, at best you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst , you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a little reference to being “good friends” which will spiral your partner into a space and only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down.
1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best you might be forced to give up one who, at one time, thought you were pretty cool. At worst, the brother of the one who thought you were pretty cool and who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan has left word at all your normal haunts that he would like to talk to you.
Fiction Favorites 
#9- Really wondering about that menu now. More out of disturbing curiosity than interest in eating.
#8- What about a Victoria’s Secret giftcard? It can lead to something sexy, but also says ‘I am smart enough to let you choose what makes you sexy instead of failing at the task myself’?
#1- That worst case sounds like the opening of a comedy. 🙂
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Menu is French. Victoria’s Secret’s is approved as a non-sex item. #1 does sound like an opening of a comedy. Maybe I’ll write it.
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I hope Frank and Billy have a fun Valentine’s Day. 😀
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Ms. Sutter doesn’t remind me of the Valentine type
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True. But Billy seems like the chocolate-giving type.
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If that’s code for wuss I think you are right.
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He’s something. Not really sure what.
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Funny list, John! I detect a sense of ‘personal experience’ in some of these .. hopefully not the street-vendor strawberries though LOL. I truly am the easiest person to buy for, very practical and honestly mean it when I say what I want. Most of the time, I really don’t want anything because I detest the commercial overkill of American holidays.
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I agree with you on the overkill. No I never did the strawberry thing. Others maybe. Thanks for the visit.
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Ha ha…too funny! I loved #4, John. 🙂
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Thanks Jill.
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Love this! I am very fortunate to get a box of Godivas every Valentines Day. It’s become the tradition. The worst would be if he overlooked it, or forgot. I’d be crushed.
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Lucky you. I love those. RS won’t forget.
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You do make me laugh!
“On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best you will make it home before the rose buds fall off.” <- This was my favourite!
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I’ve done it. (of course)
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Number 1 sounds amazing…frightening. Make sure you listen to your own advice and enjoy a happy day. 🙂
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I will thanks
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I am so glad that my husband and I don’t celebrate V Day … Unless it falls on a weekend in which case it’s a good excuse to indulge 😉
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Yeah, like this year. Thanks
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Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
Get ready … The holiday that can make or break your romantic relationship will soon be upon us. Heed the wise words of John Howell.
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Reblogged this on Poetry by Pamela and commented:
Great list for Valentine’s Day of what NOT to do.
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Thank you Pam for the re-blog.
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#3 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Good old Costco
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Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog….. An Author Promotions Enterprise! and commented:
THE COUNTDOWN GUYS 😀
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Thanks Chris for the Re-blog. Yes the countdown begins.
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😀 😀 😀
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I propose we initiate a mano a mano discussion of the ten to and not to do for V day. After all, we still have time. As for Granny’s, oh it gets young grandson’s legacies and scholarships. Never underestimate the power of sweetness. Your list of 10 are daunting, but duly noted.
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I forgot about the Trust fund babies. Of course they want grannies to be their Valentine
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… and under NO circumstances let your fears be assuaged by the bright smile afterwards and the words “Oh, it’s OK. I never really thought much of Valentine’s Day anyway.” No good can come from this! 😀
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Thank you for the visit and wise words
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Ha!!! You’re in rare form John. The one about YouTube is hysterical. And the one about strawberries sounds frighteningly like personal experience. In the extremely unlikely event that i receive chocolate covered strawberries, i will keep it in mind. 😀 Huge hugs.
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Yes you don’t know what is under the chocolate
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What a list of Do’s and Don’ts. Life if becoming more and more complicated as the years go by. Who knew Valentine’s Day would as well. 😀 XD
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Well, if there are ladies involved it gets complicated. 🙂
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Eggs-zack-tel-ly. Valentines is always complicated.
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Great points, John!! Especially the last one 🙂
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All are hilarious, but I especially laughed at number 4. I’ve seen that guy along the highway!
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He is with the guy who sprays the windshield. Thanks for the comment.:-)
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Thanks, John. Hope you avoided your top ten no nos for V day
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I tried. Very calm day
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