This list is inspired by being tapped by my wife to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. The fact that at one time we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.
Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper
If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.
10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before.
9 If you are asked to shop do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money.
8 If you are asked to shop do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing.
7 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment.
6 If you are asked to shop do not think, your newness will excuse you checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol.
5 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot causing a loss of the items that as reminded by store personnel is after the fact payment wise.
4 If you are asked to shop do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky.
3 If you are asked to shop do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)
2 If you are asked to shop do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)
1 If you are asked to shop no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor.
Fiction Favorites 
LOL… Indeed grocery shopping is a fine art. And that art varies widely from shopper to shopper. 😀
I’m lucky to have a very reasonably priced delivery. (I think that’s the ONLY thing i’d miss here.) With 10 minutes of clicking, i have my two weeks worth of groceries set for delivery (and i can make all the changes i want up until the night before). Or if i wanted i could duplicate a previous order with only a couple of clicks. For someone who hates going out to shop it’s bliss!
Mega-hugs to you and your wife. Have a marvelous Monday.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. We would like a delivery. Unfortunately we are eighteen miles from the store. (we only go once a week) Happy Monday to you as well.
LikeLike
#4 always gets me, so I always think ‘do I want to eat this now or later?’ If it’s now then I put it back and wonder how I got into the candy aisle. My wife does #10 a lot, which is why I don’t trust her with the grocery shopping. Sent her out for hot dogs once and she tried to sneak back in with tofu dogs. They didn’t even look right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL. I can almost see them in the pan.
LikeLike
Worse: microwave.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OWWWWWWWW
LikeLike
Yup.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Tofu dogs? Ugh… i tried that once. They should fall into the category of cruel and unusual punishment…
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL
LikeLike
It seems I have several classes to attend. If you decide to expand the list to 11 things, don’t think you can pick the right cut of meat.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a good one. Thanks Dan.
LikeLike
I used to like grocery shopping (what’s not to like about buying food!) but now it’s such a chore. And if I go by myself, I forget half the things that we buy when we’re together. My husband and I split up when we shop so if I’m alone, I usually draw a blank when I try to remember what he would buy 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
My wife has an iPhone app and she collects all the needed items throughout the week then hit the store. She is really good at shopping. I’m a dunce.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I need an app … especially since I do cook and it’s SO frustrating when I think I have all the ingredients I need … and I don’t 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Phone works well for that purpose.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
If you’re not the grocery shopper in your family, better read this list courtesy of John Howell. Successful grocery shopping takes skills that few of us have … Enjoy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Marie for the re-blog. Few is right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can I sign my husband up for one of your wife’s special classes? He is in dire need and apparently either can not read my handwriting or forgets to take the list….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure. Classes are held once a year. (that’s the number of times I am designated)
LikeLike
I don’t send the rocket scientist into a store with a list with more than three items on it. It never turns out good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate to that.
LikeLike
Classic John! I have grocery store anxiety for some of these reasons.
Have a productive week.
Lisa
>
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Lisa.
LikeLike
This is hilarious, John! I’ve experience #5 many times at those registers where you bag your own stuff. When will I learn? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You wonder where that rolling can of corn came from right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Or crying over the busted spaghetti sauce jar. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true. Rolling corn is nothing compared to busted jar.
LikeLike
Nothing worse than failing at the one job you’ve been given that insures you get fed at some point.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true
LikeLike
Fortunately, I always have on-line grocery shopping to rely on, where we can choose items together while sat at the computer. However, if there is an error in quantity or quality of the delivered goods, then it is often my fault.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do understand. I accept the same when it comes to it.
LikeLike
For a newbie shopper, you sure know a lot of the dos and don’t.
Grocery shopping to me is what department store shopping is to someone else. I’d rather spend my last dollar in the groceries rather than retail. Yeah, I don’t understand it either, but it’s true.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My do’s and don’ts come from being told.
LikeLike
Then you are a great student. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it’s true
LikeLiked by 1 person
😛 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
Definitely, stick to the list. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spoken by a believer
LikeLike
My mother would add “stick to the list, especially when there are feminine products on it.” I think Dad bought those for her one time. He sure did teach her not to ask again. Ha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha
LikeLike
Spectacular insight into foraging for berries. I’ve totally given up on sending anyone with XY chromosome to Trader Joe’s……There’s just way too many choices of beer, wine, and goodies.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have that right. I am totally flummoxed at TJ’s
LikeLike
Great thoughts on foraging
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice
LikeLike
I live alone and hate to shop which is why I never have any food in my house! But when I do you can bet I’m probably hungry (#4). Maybe I should take some cues from you….starting with making a list. What a concept! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
List? Oh yeah. Sounds way too easy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I always make mistake #4… You’d think I’d learn, but apparently some subconscious part of me WANTS a year’s supply of beef jerky.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OOOOO beef jerky. Don’t blame you.
LikeLike