Last Year Marie Ann Bailey and I did a simu-publish of what not to do on Memorial Day. I was constructing a new one for this year, and it occurred to me that last years was pretty suitable. So here is last year’s and I must say the advice seems pretty relevant. Thanks, Marie for helping with this one.
Top Ten Things Not To Do On Memorial Day
10 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your boss’ house for a picnic even if you think it will be good for your career. If you do, at best, you might just have an awful time. At worst, you might be pressed into service as one of the wait staff.
9 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your friend’s parents’ house on the lake. If you do, at best, you might be subjected to uncomfortable questions about why you don’t eat potato salad sitting in the sun for an hour. At worst, you won’t notice the potato salad and end up riding to the ER in an expensive ambulance.
8 On Memorial Day, do not try for the record number of drinks in an hour set by the Legend last year before he died. If you do, at best, you will feel awful the next day. At worst, you just might meet up with the Legend to compare notes.
7 On Memorial Day, do not show the crowd how many hot dogs or anything else you can consume in less than sixty seconds. If you do you, at best, you may get off lucky with just one. At worst, you may eat enough hot dogs causing you to go into a Nitrite and manufactured meat coma that takes days to wear off.
6 On Memorial Day, do not try to better any story being told by someone who has served in the military. If you do, at best, you might be telling the truth, but will look like a braggart. At worst, you might get in so deep that you will need to join up just to make the stories come true.
5 On Memorial Day, try to resist the beer bong challenge. If you don’t, at best, you will need to find a ride home. At worst, you will have lost all power to reason and the ability to talk which will make great discussion topics for the next day, not to mention the cell phone pictures on Instagram.
4 On Memorial Day, do not offer to light the fireworks display. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to an illegal act in most places. At worst, you may just set off the whole pile and be faced with trying to explain to Homeland Security exactly what your intentions were, hoping you can talk them out of a planned waterboard session.
3 On Memorial Day, do not decide to join in the volleyball game if you don’t know how to play. If you do, at best, you will slowly learn how to play and eventually stop making points for the other team. At worst, your team mates will decide you need elimination and will hire someone to take you for a long ride out-of-town.
2 On Memorial Day, do not wear any bathing attire that doesn’t fit or has a competitive racing design. If you do, at best, the rest of the party will try to ignore the sight. At worst, your picture and all the stuff that doesn’t fit in the suit will make the internet rounds on sites titled: “What not to wear in the pool this summer.”
1 On Memorial Day, do not think you need to entertain all your friends with stories of horrific behavior on Memorial Days past. If you do, at best, everyone will eventually walk away as they lose interest, and you’ll have a Golden Retriever as your audience. At worst, someone remembers your antics and is able to top your story with an even more embarrassing tale about you which you may or may not remember
Fiction Favorites 
Entertaining as always John.
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Thank you Michael for the visit and comment.
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Reblogged this on bears goats and strawberries and commented:
1. Go to the lake house.
2. Everyone gets pressed into service; this is not a catered event.
3. Umm…yeah, friends with that asshole boss outside of work. I’m going.
4. There are no fireworks; that’s fourth of July.
I’ll look at the rest and keep telling you how WRONG YOU ARE!
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Love the classics. Wonder how many potato salad-based ER visits will occur this year. Nobody ever reports those stats.
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Nightly news recap. “Just in, the CDC reports an increase in potato salad ER visits this year. The President has appointed a potato czar to head up a complete investigation. The Republicans report that Americans can expect an increase in potato visits next year as a result of the government’s work.”
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No word yet on how this will impact the mayonnaise industry.
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No comment from Premier Mayo See Tongue
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Had to read that out loud . . . then cringe. Good one.
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Thanks. Hope it made you laugh.
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That it did. Though it’s been a long day, so I could only muster a chuckle. Went with my son’s class to the aquarium. Fun, but tiring.
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I used to take a long shower after field trips so I know what you mean.
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I should have done that, but it never crossed my mind. I settled for a bagel and donuts. 🙂
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Ah, John, you’re so sweet to repost one of ours 🙂 It’s a favorite of mine 🙂 Have a wonderful week and even better holiday!
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You too. Some of these are hard to beat. The holiday ones especially.
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Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
Memorial Day, for those of us in the United States, is just around the corner. To get you into the spirit, my good friend John Howell has the following list of things not to do on Memorial Day, a list that he and I collaborated on last year. Enjoy!
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Thanks Marie. I just couldn’t top this one so here we are again.
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It is a good list 🙂
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Loved this, Marie! I’m still laughing at #5 from last year. 🙂
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Thanks Jill.
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An addition to #10 — your boss will probably have you blindfolded on the way to his/her house, so that you don’t know how to get there again…
Thanks for reminding me there was a holiday coming up, John. I just might make it through the week. 😀
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Thanks for yet another laugh!
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Thank you for the visit and the laugh deposit.
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Welcome! Any time.
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Reblogged this on Olivia Stocum and commented:
Advice to get you through Memorial Day weekend (While staying out of the ER, and under the radar.)
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Another Thank you form me.
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These are ridiculously entertaining and I’m giggling. After all, it appears the safest decision is to stay home and out of harm’s way. :-d 😀 😀
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Yup
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HaHa, missed this one’s first go-round, but I imagine it reads just as well!! Great points, John (though some would argue having a Golden Retriever as as one’s audience might prove more interesting than some of these other questionable guests!!)
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I have to agree.
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Still such sound advice, John. 🙂 Haha. Number one still gets me.
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Thanks
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I imagine this will be good advise for many Memorial Days to come. Beer pong and ill fitting swimwear is never good! Thanks for the laugh
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Thanks for letting me know you liked it. (and the visit)
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[…] Favorites – https://johnwhowell.com/ – Creative way of telling us (from experience?) what not to do when: […]
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These are excellent! However, I can add one: On Memorial Day don’t move to the US when you are ten years old because it will seem like the most fun place ever then it will be the next day and you will be very disappointed…
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Good one. I can imagine the disappointment at having to face normal.
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Imagine how my brother – born on the 4th of July – felt when he discovered that they weren’t all celebrating him.
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Ha ha ha.
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#2…got it…leave the speedos at home…
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Yup. Please.
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