The inspiration for this list came from observing everyday life and watching others fall into a dark pit for no other reason than attempting to answer a dangerous, politically incorrect or impossible question.
Top Ten Questions You Should Never Answer
10 If you are asked, “How do I look?” do not answer the question. If you do, at best you only have a 50% chance of being right which is also a 50% chance of being wrong. At worst, the person who asked the question knows they look awful and now picks a fight with you for misleading them. (Your credibility is now null and void. Good luck with the comforting an old friend excuse.)
9 If you are asked, “Have you been drinking?” do not answer. If you do, at best your answer will not be credible. At worst, if you do answer yes you might have some explaining to do and if you answer no you better be telling the truth. (So what was it that made you trip over the footstool on your way to bed?)
8 If you are asked, “Where did this new car dent come from?” do not answer. If you do, at best your “I don’t know,” will require the need to relay your exact itinerary for the day. At worst, you will be forced to endure an agonizing lecture on how to park and drive a car to prevent it from being dented. ( Lesson one: Shopping carts are car magnets)
7 If you are asked, “Would you like to donate to an organization,” do not answer. If you do, at best you will sound mean-spirited if you say no. At worst, those around you will take into account your clothes and appearance before deciding you must be the winner of the cold heart person of the year award. (They will talk out loud while they deliberate)
6 If you are asked, “Would you mind watching our dog for a few hours?” do not answer. If you do, at best your friendship will be made or lost on the answer. At worst, little Fido happens to have a rare spastic colon that unfortunately for you just decided to attack the poor thing in your white living room. (Which the owners totally forgot to mention.)
5 If you are asked, “Would you like that order supersized?” do not answer. If you do, at best you will hate yourself either way. At worst, it will be a week or two before the supersized feeling has worked its way out of your mind and onto your body. (No is the hardest word.)
4 If you are asked, “What size do you wear?” do not answer. If you do, at best your underestimate will be a laughable moment for the store personnel. At worst, the continued suggestion that you try a larger size will point out how much you have been kidding yourself on the need for reform. (A terrible realization after all.)
3 If you are asked, “Is this seat taken?” do not answer. If you do, at best a yes answer will eventually be proven wrong making you a petty unsociable. At worst, the person will decide to take the seat no matter what you say and will now consider you a nut case if you said yes. (If you said no you have invited company who will talk your ear off for the next ten stops.)
2 If you are asked “Where are you from?” do not answer. If you do, at best the person asking is from the same place, and you now have a new unwanted BFF. At worst, the new BFF decides to go through the list of possible people each of you knows, and you realize that it might be hours before the list is complete. (And because you answered the question you are too polite to tell the person to bug off.)
1 If you are asked “Would you like to go out?” do not answer without thinking. If you do and say yes, at best you’ll need to follow through no matter how dim the prospect. At worst, you say no and unbeknownst to you the person asking is a certified psychopath who made the decision to stop taking the medication that has helped keep the aggressive tendencies in check. (You now have a spurned non-medicated psychopath wanting to walk you home.)
Fiction Favorites 
From recent personal experience, a modified 6. If you are asked, “Would you mind looking after our dogs for a few days?” do not answer. If you say no, you will possibly condemn the poor pooches to kennels or worse, to a rescue centre. If you say yes, you risk days becoming months…
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Very good. I think those choices run through all animal lovers minds when the question comes up. Like most I guess I would take the months alternative. Thanks. 🙂
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This is a list that should be printed on a lamented card and kept in one’s wallet.
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Thanks, Charles. Might be a new side business.
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If not a card then an app that pings when it hears the question.
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I like the idea of a blinking light behind the glasses lense.
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MTM actually confessed the latest car dent and blamed it on a hit-and-run. 🙂
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Ha ha ha. Good move for MTM. 🙂
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Thanks for the Monday chortle, John 😀
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Thank you for chortling Jan. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
You have been advised – so DON’T DO IT 😀
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Thank you Chris for the reblog
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Welcome John – Great advice 😀 😀 😀
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Wow, John. Good advice, but I have about an 80% failure rate including multiple violations of numbers 10 and 9.
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You are very normal.
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John those are great! In fact they’re so good that I’d better not speak to any of them, in case someone else reads them! Except to say “No osiffer… I haven’t had a drop…”
Hugs!
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Ha ha ha. I was opening my car door after working late and hit a skunk in the butt. He sprayed me and the inside of the car. I washed up as best as I could and went to bed. My wife woke up and asked sleepily, “Have you been drinking?” i had to laugh out loud.
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Oh, now that’s funny. At least in the telling. I know you’ve got your work cut out for you getting rid of the smell… So sorry.
More hugs — you deserve them for sure. 🙂
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Happened a while ago and the car never stopped smelling like a skunk.
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I’ve never had to use it on anything extreme, but I’ve liked “Zero Odor” (it doesn’t have a scent of it’s own to bother my allergies) http://www.amazon.com/Zero-Odor-16-Ounce-Household-Eliminator/product-reviews/B001J0C3OQ?pageNumber=3 Just sharing…
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Ha! I better print this out…..and give it to Danny.
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Would be a loving thing to do. 🙂
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Great list, John, and sad to say, I’ve been guilty of more than a few of them! Another do not ask — ever! — is “When’s your baby due?” because that poor woman just might not be pregnant after all!
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Thanks Debbie. I’ll remember.
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Don’t know why, but I’m being asked a lot these days, “What’s your problem?” I don’t answer that one either…
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Smart man. Never ends well when you answer.
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Reblogged this on Kim's Author Support Page.
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Thank you Kim for the reblog
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Thanks for the ha ha, John.
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Reblogged this on The GUNDERSTONE review.
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Thanks Jason for the reblog.
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I’ve always found “Have you seen my blog?” is a good way of getting rid of people who I didn’t want to talk to.
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Or, “Did you know I ‘m a writer?” The running feet sound is awesome
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These are so good, John! My muddled brain is working through questions in the workplace that you shouldn’t answer, like, “Do you have time to help with this project?” You shouldn’t answer because the person asking (aka supervisor) already has the answer and, yes, you will be helping with that project whether you have time or not 😉
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I also remember the question, “Can you give the team some help here?” Code for no one else knows how to do what you do and refuse to learn.
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I love your clever lists! We have all been there! Thanks for the smiles!
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Thank you for the visit. 😊
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“Have you been drinking?”
My answer is always yes!
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Good response. Mine too.
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Society is mentally drunk. Constantly!
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Yup.
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Great advice. Those questions are loaded with trouble. 😀
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Thanks for the visit Suzanne and you are so right.
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Can I also add not to answer the question “Do I look big in this dress/shirt/coat?” I always get the urge to say “it’s not the dress/shirt/coat that makes you look big, it’s al the chocolate cake you eat that makes you look big!” Needless to say I never answer that question anymore.
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Not if you want to maintain a calm atmosphere. Thanks Hugh.
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I seem to have run into #2 a bit more than one would think, usually on those flights where you just want to put on the headphones and take a nap.
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Real dangerous on the trip home cause you never know if the person will ask for a ride or not.
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Thoroughly enjoy! And, NO, I’m not going to ask a question. 🙂
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Aw. You can go ahead and ask.
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Are you having fun yet? I AM! 🙂
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Yes.
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