The inspiration for this list is the unrelenting heat here in South Texas. (And all over) We have had eight weeks of hot weather and no rain. Normally on the coast, we have the advantage of the Gulf breezes which serve to keep the daytime highs at no more than 89 degrees. Now that may seem warm but compared to the 106 degree inland temperatures 89 feels fresh. Lately, the temperatures have gone above 90 degrees and coupled with humidity; we have been looking at heat indexes of 111 to 113 degrees.
I will admit this list is by design a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that there thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.
Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.
10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best the 1000 degree oven will win. At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way hey Bunkie?)
9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heart beat is signalling you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)
8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)
7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at the school. If you do, at best the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement which the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)
6 If you are in the heat, do not think it was a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag along with your wallet proved to be a mistake on several levels. (Handing the police your ice cream soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home officer before the ice cream melted.”)
5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)
4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)
3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)
2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Maybe not.)
1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. (Okay, this one is serious and all too often people forget to keep their pets (and children sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures.
Fiction Favorites 
Reblogged this on O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
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Thank you for the re-blog
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Seriously echo number 1. And don’t forget that hot surfaces can damage dogs’ pads.
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Good point. Where you are that would not happen.
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Around 30C at the moment. Too hot for us to take the dogs out. We tend to walk them on grass more than on the roads. Thunderstorm arriving now, so they won’t be going out for a while.
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Seems similar to what is going on here. High 90’s with a humidity pushing it into the 100’s and we’re so not used to it. Probably have to do the yard work in a day too. You know, a lot of people around here are attempting the ‘stay in water’ technique. One reason is because the power company loves raising rates when harsh weather comes in. They don’t even try to hide their greed any more.
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Got to love the East. I remember when there was an oil shortage when I lived in Connecticut. The price per gallon went into the stratosphere when the weather turned cold.
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Is it just me or is there always an oil shortage? Sometimes even when people are reporting an oil surplus.
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If you heat with it there is always a shortage.
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John… maybe you were channeling Dante just a tad with this one. 😉
A very sensible list. Stay cool. It’s my telework day, so I’m sticking to the air conditioning. Mega Monday hugs.
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Ooooh! Good for you on the telework. Yes, stay cool. Marvelous Monday to you. 🙂
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Excellent suggestions, John. Number five is hilarious!
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Thank you, Jill. Those adult beverages will get you every time. 🙂
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Great list. John. Sounds like you have some experience. As for me, hmmm, guilty (at some point, but nor often) of Numbers 9, 8, 6, 5 (of course), 2, but never number 1. In fact, the most common expression around our house this past weekend was “it’s to hot to play, Maddie” – I f we let her, she’d run until she drops and the she’d spend the next three days panting.
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I know about panting. Our Boxers are champions.
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We have been having much the same here, but now have rain which isn’t cooling us off but firing up the humidity. Number one is serious and I am continually amazed by the idiots who don’t take it seriously.
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Me too, Michelle. So much needless suffering. Thanks for the stop. 🙂
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Good morning, John,
as to #2, there’s an advantage of the current heat wave: you need less charcoal/wood! 😉 Just leaving our bbq pit in the sun kakes the inner temperature go up to about 125 Fahrenheit.
And as to #3: I prefer bicycling in the heat. On a bike you go faster than on foot and thus get better cooling. 😉
Have a great time, and stay cool,
Pit
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Thanks, Pit. Cool is relative. 🙂
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I’m pleased to report that most of us, here in the UK, have not had to resort to these this Summer. Still, there is still another month to go before Summer is officially over, so I may have to put that welding torch away.
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Or get some ice. 🙂
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I love this one. The line about not dropping the crossing guard sign made me laugh out loud. I also appreciate the warning about pets and kids. Otto makes regular stops to his puppy pool to take a quick dip. Check in on the elderly too while you’re at it.
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I am the elderly and check myself very frequently.
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Good reminders. I’ll leave my pottery to someone else’s kiln. 🙂
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Great idea. Wrap it in a diaper with a note. The finder will adopt it.
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Another hilarious list, John! My favourite was #7 – crossing guard who didn’t drop his/her stop sign on the way to the pavement. Really well done! Thanks for the Monday smile, good sir!
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Thank you, John. I have started book one of Genesis. Loving it.
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I loved Number 4. I could picture someone getting out of the water at 300 pounds and sloshing around. Hilarious. 😀 — Suzanne
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Thanks, Suzanne. i had the same picture in my head.
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This has been the hottest summer on record in Niagara Falls, John.
Thanks for the invaluable tips!
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Any time.
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Great reminders, John (though, like you, I can’t imagine anyone actually doing any of them!) Summer has been beastly here, too. Typically, we get relief at least once a week with a nice cold front. Not many of those this year. Perhaps the heat and humidity are good for the corn!!
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Yes. Let’s hope the corn benefits.
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I may have mentioned this a time or two – I HATE hot weather! 😦 If it’s humid is high as well then the sense of humour goes out the window altogether, and to say I’m cranky is a brazen understatement!
It’s a funny list, as always, John – but #1 is very important! 🙂
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Thanks, Jan. I get a little grumpy when it gets into the 100’s
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Yeah, projects can wait until we have some snow.
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A lot of snow. Then they can wait till spring.
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You know what Mark Twain said: Why do today what you can do tomorrow. I dig that.
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Of course, then today becomes the tomorrow that you put everything off until, yesterday.
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*mind explodes*
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Terrible thing to waste.
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Add heat and yardwork is the absolute worst! I agree!
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I have to second your agree. The yard should be off limits for work until the fall. (Too bad it isn’t very practical doing so) Thanks, Jason for the visit. 🙂
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Sometimes I miss the snow only because it hides my yard lol.
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Great list. It is hot in London too-which is surprising. So hot here-I feel like I am near the earth’s core. Yup.
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I can believe it. I hit London one summer and thought I was going to die. Can you say locked windows? Thanks for the visit.:-)
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Oh man. Can you say no air con? Yikes. But back home in the US I hear its 115F!
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Yup.
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Perfect list for this August heat! Loved the crossing guard who when down with his sign up – you always show us the details. Number 1 was a good reminder that tragedy can happen quickly in this heat. As someone wrote, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen to out in the Texas heat.” Or something like! The heat calls for margaritas.
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Thanks, Jo. I like the margarita idea. 🙂
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Thank you, Jo. I like your idea about the margaritas. 🙂
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