This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.
10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence isn’t it, Bunky?)
9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)
8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing right, Tex?)
7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you.( It is hard to get away isn’t it, Buford?)
6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. At best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst, the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)
5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best they will humor you with lawn cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money.( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good huh, Bosco?)
4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster and quit bothering people you just met.)
3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that cost $100 a bottle. (Pretty expensive way to get inspired hey, Pal?)
2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with an Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)
1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)
Fiction Favorites 
Ha, ha. I love the part at the top. If someone sees Tiny I think it’s best to both avoid and escape. Good post, John. 😀 — Suzanne
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Suzanne. 😀
LikeLike
Good post John. 10 and 6 are very familiar (and I never go public!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Thanks, Keith.
LikeLike
Oh John, you always crack me up!!! I always giggle at questions I’ve heard asked at the 3 book signings I’ve gone to!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Than you, Anita and Jaye.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hate that silence that descends the minute someone mentions that you write…
LikeLiked by 1 person
ha haha. Seems like an eternity. Thanks, Anita and Jaye.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Coffee and your “Top Ten” are a great way to begin the day. Your points are the reason I try to hide what I do….#5 is too funny! LOL! Love the top definition of a writer – I so relate! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Gwen. I think we all can relate. Have a super Monday. (Almost an oxymoron)
LikeLike
Lol. I love these responses. Do you ever get told you should write about me? I just smike and nod as they tell me about all their bad decisions that they believe are novel worthy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have done consulting and one client gave me an outline of his memoire and asked my opinion. I told him not to quit his day job. That was my last assignment with them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Whenever anyone asks you to write their story, it usually means their life is a train wreck.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true. Or the other way. Like watching paint dry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh ever so true! Spare me paint drying.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a great list, John! Happy Monday!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jill. Have a super day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad you included Tiny today, John. I’ll be needing him over at my place in a little while. What brand of whiskey was that?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Woodford Reserve Bourbon. Ha ha ha.:-D
LikeLiked by 1 person
[…] This was happening with every blog, this is just an example. I was trying to ‘Like’ and leave a comment on John Howell’s blog. I like to leave a comment on John’s blog because I’d like to stay on good terms with Tiny, the […]
LikeLiked by 1 person
#3 is the only one I’ve never heard. Some other favorites:
-I don’t really like fantasy, but good job.
-Why not write what’s popular to famous?
-Have you considered becoming one of James Patterson’s authors?
-So is your book based on Harry Potter or Game of Thrones?
-I bought your book, but probably won’t read it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That last one… yeah. I had a lady tell me she would like to read my book but she only reads good books. And yet, how would she know if it was any good, when she’d never read it? Hmmmm….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Never got that one, but I can just imagine the mental slap that delivered. Sad thing for me is that most of those examples have come from family.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Close. Most of the insults came from church. Which I left and will never go back to again. The rest came from family and old friends who are no longer fiends. It’s amazing the amount of hate out there in the world.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Would not have guessed church. The oddest thing with many of these statements is that they’re said as if to help. Like the honesty is something you need because everyone else might be lying to spare your feelings. It just amazes me how often people will try to discourage an author, but not point out to someone going into law that there are tons of lawyers out there.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Excellent point, Charles.
LikeLike
Yeah, they do tend to think they’re helping, and when you tell them you’ve heard enough criticism they basically give you (well me) the deer in headlights look. As far as church goes, I hate to say it, but there’s a lot of judgment and backstabbing, at least where I was attending it was like that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get the ‘you need thicker skin’ speech if I protest. And people wonder why I don’t go out much and now have trouble figuring out genuine interest in my books. Honestly, I’ve heard that about a few churches. Seems counterproductive to the whole Jesus thing. I’m Jewish, so we just have the guilt trip.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Jewish guilt trip, that sounds fun. Not. At this point I’m what they call an Organic Christian, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I still believe in God and don’t blame him for the mess humanity made of the world. (Honestly, I don’t know why he hasn’t killed us all off yet!). But I don’t go to church or belong to any denomination.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s tradition and instinctive. You just end up doing it along with some level sarcasm. Once you’re old enough to do it yourself, you’re immune as long as it doesn’t come from your mother or grandmother. I’m Jewish light though. More a cultural than religious one, but not even that really. In the same boat as you especially since we do so much evil in Gods name. Maybe he is killing us off by not stopping us from doing it ourselves. He’s just thrown up his hands and walked away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would hope God smacks the judgmental ones.
LikeLike
Being Jewish, those smacks tend to be more smites. He’ll just drop burning bushes on everyone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Followed by a horde of locusts.
LikeLike
Could be worse. A horde of spiders would be a true nightmare.
LikeLike
Do you guys get to drink wine? If so I’ll sign up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do! I prefer flavored vodka though.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh. Even better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Where ever humans congregate there is the judgmental aspect. It is how the less talented justify their existence.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a very good point, John. Makes them feel better about themselves, I guess.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That must be it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have to agree, Olivia. When certain people ask me what I do I respond with. “I’m retired.” That gets an,”Oh, ” and not much more.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I tend to tell them I homeschool my kids. That gets more respect and they think I’m smart, or something. Haha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Good one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is all too often, Charles.
LikeLike
If only we were paid by the off-handed insult.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Would be great.
LikeLike
A fortune would be made by all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can see people bragging on the number of insults they got a year.
LikeLike
I got 504. Half of those were hoping I’d die in a fire. Sweeeet! *goes back to crying in the corner*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Love it.
LikeLike
Oh my. This was one to the gut. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, Charles. I should have asked you to guest post. These are classic.
LikeLike
It would have been interesting, but might not have been as funny. Probably dripping with enough snark to fill a bathtub.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your snark. 😀
LikeLike
Oh, wow. I’ve heard all of these, and then I was told I had issues for getting upset about what they said. Thanks for this list. It really puts things into perspective.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Every time I go out in public (except for book signings) at least one of these comes up. Thanks for the comment and interchange.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup. I know what you mean. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on The Claymore and Surcoat and commented:
If you’re a writer, or you have one in your life, then read this list. It’s not just humorous, but it’s 100% true. I’ve heard MANY of these from ingnorant people. So, maybe, read it and don’t be ignorant anymore?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the reblog, Olivia.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
So, John, what brand of whiskey do you actually drink? (Ducking for cover. Hope it came in a plastic bottle they hurt less.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Woodford Reserve Bourbon. *glass clunk
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have a shot now that you are on the floor.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t mind if I do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Here you go.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have excellent taste, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Teri. I am very particular since I don’t guzzle. 😀
LikeLike
Lots of fun today, John. I get #10 and #8 almost anytime I mention writing to someone 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate. Thanks, Mae.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Please tell Tiny that we have six copies of his blockbuster novel…. Make that seven copies just to be sure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Thanks, Greg. He smiled (In truth,I think he has gas.)
LikeLike
Hmm…. does Tiny have an engaging reading voice? Might be cheaper than buying the audio book, eh, John! Great list, good sir!
LikeLiked by 1 person
He sounds like the cross between nails on a chalkboard and a cat with a tail under the rocker. Thanks, John
LikeLike
OMG!!!! Let’s see… “Amazon.com…”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha haha.
LikeLike
Good one, John. Very relatable, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it is.
LikeLike
Haha. Excellent list John. It’s no different for writers in the business world. Lucky, i get both worlds. If one more person hands me a document for edits and says “Make it pretty”…
When a coworker learned I was writing a book, she asked when the movie would be out. She was serious. I appreciate the vote of confidence but…
My favorite is when people hear you’re a writer and they instantly want to “collaborate” on a book. However, their definition of collaborate means they do no work, you write a novel based on their idea, at their direction, and they get all the credit and supposed money. Or so they think….
Okay… stepping down from my Julia Sugarbaker soapbox. Hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, and you slayed me with the one about Tiny!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Teagan. Tiny is going to be in there all the time.
LikeLike
Actually it was the Billy Graham box of truth. Thanks, Teagan
LikeLike
Ha! Think I’d better stick with Julia Sugarbaker. I’d be afraid to step on anything marked Box of Truth. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. 😀
LikeLike
Golly! That Tiny’s multi-talented isn’t he? 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
He is. Does everything. Thanks, Jan
LikeLike
Awesome list… I laughed harder than I should have in reference to #2 and ADD. Your title needs to be a car sticker!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Thanks D.L.
LikeLike
Great post, John. I love Charles’ comment “-I bought your book, but probably won’t read it.” What!?? Did you ask why they bought it? Olivia, what did you say in response to “she would like to read my book but she only reads good books?” Did you slap her silly? Why do people think they can make remarks like these? Don’t they know how personal these questions are? How would they react if you said they’d be good looking if they did something about their nose or that blouse they broke the bank to buy looks ridiculous on them?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Michelle. If you and I ever show up to the same cocktail party, I want you right next to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha! It’s a trait I learned with age. Older and wiser.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great list, John. Don’t forget #0 — “I have a great idea for a book. You write it and we’ll split the royalties right down the middle.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. I actually had someone say that to me.
LikeLike
Great fun with these today! I’ve experienced a few of these and have learned to smile and look for the nearest exit. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. 😀
LikeLike
But I lead with #3 all the time… 🙂
Thanks for this giggle, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent lead. 😀
LikeLike
😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get a variation of #10 – they don’t want to write the book, they tell me their idea and say I should write it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. That is always worth a stare. Thanks, Teri.
LikeLike
Always a treat, John! Thanks for the giggles. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love giggles. Thank you, Natalie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great subject for this week’s Top 10, John. You got me wondering how long Tiny’s book is. Would he mind me eating a tub of ice cream while listening to him read? Will I need to bring a sleeping bag? 🤔
When I recently told somebody I was a writer (after they asked what I did) they replied: “so you can type then?” 🙄
LikeLike
Thanks, Hugh. For some reason, I did not respond to you on this. I loved the type comment. I think I would add, “Yes and I fetch tea too.” 😀
LikeLike
No problem, John. I’ve just come back from a week’s blogging break. I’ll be back in the world of blogging from tomorrow. Just off to make a pot of tea now. 😀
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Here is another great top 10 list from John Howell. This one is the top ten things not to say to a writer. I was checking them off the list as I read them. I’ve been asked quite a few.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Don
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve experienced #5 more than I care to admit. And #4 makes me want to skip town. 🙂 Fun list, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the visit and comment. “Skip town.” Hahaha 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! Those awkward moments….
LikeLiked by 1 person
*Crickets*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on WILDsound Writing and Film Festival Review.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the Reblog.
LikeLike
I have been telling people I’m writing children’s books and the typical responses are “Do you want to be the next J.K Rowling?” like she is the only children’s book writer ever! – irks me every time! Love this article
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha haha. When I say fiction writer they say . “Fiction like who?” I say, “Fiction like me.”
LikeLike
I really love this one, John!
LikeLike
Very true! 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the visit, Victoria. Hope you got a cookie on the way out. Oh, and a margarita as well. 😀
LikeLike
Never had this… yet. At least I know what to expect when I *eventually* get to that point.
LikeLike
Thank you, for the visit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
N-no problem…
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Good list. For #3, just tell them Whistlepig. Sadly, no one has bought me one yet. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would say WhistlePig 14 Year Old ‑ The Boss Hog 2016 Edition (cask 19) Rye Whiskey. That will get em. Thanks for the visit. no one has bought me any Woodford reserve either.
LikeLike
Thanks for the laugh. So true!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad I made you laugh.
LikeLike