Anne of Cleves
This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves by John W. Howell © 2019
10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)
9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)
8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)
7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)
6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)
5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)
4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)
3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)
2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)
1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)
Fiction Favorites 
#4 would be my fate if I had too much mead. I assume beheading is the true end result of all these.
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Beheading woud be the result of choice if henry had his way. And why no? He’s the king.
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It’s good to be the king?
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Yes it is.
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Haha, John, very good. I believe that Anne of Cleves wore a wig and that did not go down well with her husband. She was lucky though, he divorced her.
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And gave her two castles and land.
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LOL! Great list, John! Number 4 cracks me up. 🙂
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It was something I would do. Stand there like an idiot.
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Dilly Dilly!
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LOL. Thanks, Craig.
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He’s not exactly a king with a sense of humor!
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I would say not. He looks jolly but looks can be deceiving.
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John,
This makes going to ANY wedding from here on out pressure free! I mean, between Tiny and his dancing shoes, the King’s wife removal system and Ivan the Brutal . . yikes!
Love your lists.
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Thank you, Marc. I think it would be funny to toast Henry with “So here’s to many more weddings such as this.”
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Buahahaha! Me and you could be wedding crashers. We’d have to have an exit strategy, like . . a really good one.
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Like know where the door to the outside is at all times.
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On it!
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Hillarious, John. Weddings are always a bit touchy, but this one “takes the cake”. #3 was a hoot…
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Thank you so much, Gwen.
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Best stay quietly in my corner. Definitely would not want any undue attention…
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Undue attention quickly turns into undivided attention which has as its reward the business side of an ax. I agree. In fact, we should stay here.
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Too true. Best we should.
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See, this is why I don’t do well at fancy social events – so much nuance…
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Very true. And being from here I suppose we would make a lot of mistakes.
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I hope any drunks at the wedding mumbled and didn’t annunciate. I remember reading a piece that said Anne made out like a bandit after the annulment. It said she stayed single, had a number of children, and lived very well as Henry VIII’s dear sister. Maybe he should have gritted his teeth and stayed married to her to get a male heir. She might not have benefitted as well though and ended up on the chopping block. 😦 — Suzanne
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She was liked by the King and is buried in Westminster Abby. Thanks, Suzanne.
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You would think the King had weddings down by now…lol. Great list John.
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You would for sure. Thanks, Denise.
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Need to make sure attend with no one
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That is the safest. Thanks, Andrew
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wishing you all of the beauty and success life has to offer this 2019
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Thank you, Andrew. ll the best to you
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Thanks John
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#4 and ‘Mead’! ♥
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Strong mead
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I wonder if Henry married just for the gifts and the honeymoon? Of course, I won’t ask him. You can do that for me, John. At least Anne survived the plight of being locked in The Tower of London.
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Yes, Anne and Henry never consumated their marrage. I don’t think it was the honeymoon.
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When I read the title, I knew this would be another good one, John. Thanks for the laughs!
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I’m glad you could laugh, Teri. Thanks for letting me know.
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Lots of good advice here, John, whether attending the king’s nuptials or a wedding today. Love how Tiny always makes a special appearance, too!
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He’s under contract. Thanks, Debbie.
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Amazing, dear John! !!!! Very creative & helpful tips to save your head on. 🙂
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Saving your head is important. (Need a place for your hat.)
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Or for a crown! 🙂
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Good add.
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🙂
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Number Eleven: Don’t die of syphilis.
Great post, John, as usual.
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Ha haha. Thanks, Hook
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And if you’re part of the planning committee for the nuptials, for gosh sakes’ don’t book this group!
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Ha ha ha. Herman’s Hermits were very popular with the older folk when I was much younger. I guess it was their lively , self effacing manner.
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They formed in 1964, which was my senior year in high school. Now that I think of it, that was quite some time ago!
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Ha ha ha. I had graduated from college in 1964. Yes it was a while ago.
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out another top ten list from John Howell’s blog. This one is the Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves
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Thank you so much, Don
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You’re welcome.
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🙂
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Really funny, John!
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Thank you, Jennie.
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You’re welcome, John.
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LOL. Henry VIII is so much fun to make fun of. Little did he know we would still be laughing at him today. Of course, we wouldn’t have dared during his time. I think the little plain German, Anne, was smarter than we give her credit. She kept her head and did OK financially.
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She did for sure. Thanks, Darlene.
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