If your significant other is having a birthday, there are things that one should not do. It just so happens that yesterday was my significant other’s birthday, and except for one thing I managed to avoid the other stuff on the list.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday by John W. Howell © 2019
10 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not take a lot of time writing a Ten Things Not to Do list. If you do, at best there is still time for other activities. At worst, you will run out of time to celebrate the birthday. (Now you are in deep yogurt, Ghoukas. What happened to the cake, presents, and good wishes? You better pray for author understanding.)
9 If your significant other is having a birthday, do go to the gym with Tiny the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best you’ll only have sore muscles from sparring with him. At worst, Tiny will show you his latest helicopter spin and drop maneuver. (Hard to celebrate from the ER huh, Giancarlo? Don’t worry someone will call and let your significant other know you won’t make the party.)
8 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think a packet of beef jerky from the convenience store is the perfect gift. If you do, at best your significant other will take it as a joke. At worst, you’ll be dining alone tonight. (That beef jerky helps cover the taste of the crow, Gili. Better luck next year.)
7 If your significant other is having a birthday, don’t forget to cancel your participation in the weekly bowling event. If you do forget, at best you’ll stay home. At worst, you’ll go to the event and suffer dire consequences. (Did no one ever tell you about life choices, Gilvaethwy? You now must live with the results of your neglect. Please remember it was Fido’s house before you moved in.)
6 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think going to your favorite place is the best experience for a birthday. If you do, at best none of the usual crowd are there. At worst, your bowling team members and the local motorcycle club are having a beer chugging contest. (You could have made a reservation at a beautiful place, Giovany. But no, and now your significant other is being cheered on as she downs a quart bong. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day for you.)
5 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not expect a home cooked meal instead of dinner out. If you do, at best you’ll get cold cuts. At worst, your significant other will cook something and leave it with a note that lets you know a restaurant visit was expected. (Looks like your significant other and a bunch of friends are having more fun than you, Girvin.)
4 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not offer to bake a cake unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best you can still have time to call the bakery. At worst, the suggestion will be made to use your masterpiece as a doorstop. (Never knew frosting to get that hard did you, Glaucus. Maybe NASA would like to know about your formula.)
3 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not buy a card with a message that is obviously not a natural expression of your feelings. If you do, at best your significant other will get a chuckle. At worst the inscription, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to run away, How about you?” will be taken the wrong way. (You were talking about a trip together, Gobrwy. What are you doing in court?)
2 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not give a gift which you know is not suited. If you do, at best you might be able to keep it. At worst, you might be wearing it. (They say to give a gift that you would like to receive, Godric. Not sure your significant other had a cordless weed trimmer in mind as the perfect gift.)
1 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not invite guests to the celebration who your significant other does not know. If you do, at best there will be some new friendships made. At worst, you will get no kudos for the uncomfortable feeling your significant other will have in a room filled with strangers. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, Gofraidh. You better get over there it looks like your significant other, and your boss are having some kind of argument.)
Fiction Favorites 
Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog.
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Thank you so much, Chris. 😊
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My pleasure, John – important information for us males of the species 😂
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So true. 😀
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👍😃😆
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“Do not think a packet of beef jerky from the convenience store is the perfect gift.” LOL! Your timing is perfect as Derek has a birthday coming up. Great list, John!
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Happy Birthdat to Derek. Thank you, Jill.
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Thanks, John! 🙂
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😊
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Hilarious, John. 😀 My husband just had his birthday and I’m relieved to see that I successfully avoided each item on your “not to do” list. Happy Birthday to the Producer!
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Thank you, Gwen. It was a great day.
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Great picture. 🤣
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😊
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So now we are left to ponder which one you did not avoid…😉
Was my eldest son’s birthday yesterday, too. 21 years old and legal all over.
Happy birthday to The Producer!
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Happy birthday to your eldest. Numer ten was mine.
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Thank you.
Of March, for yours?
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No. 22 of May is my birthday. I thought you were asking which of the ten I did. 😁
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Buahaha! Me newest D’Oh! moment… shaking my own head at my own self… bloody hell…
😛
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😀
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The weed trimmer as the perfect gift cracked me up. It reminded of my dad, actually. He loved giving gadgets and gizmos. Mom always said she didn’t mind — that it prevented him from lugging home ghastly perfumes.
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I think a trimmer would be better than a bottle of Shalamar. 😀. Thanks, Linda
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All true, John, all true!
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😁
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Happy Birthday to the (Real) Boss!
I think the chug contest is perfectly acceptable just so long as it’s done in the company of two. 😉
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Ha ha ha
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🙂
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Beef jerky. It sooo says two souls, one love.
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Ha haha. Thanks, Andrew. 😁
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Reblogged this on The Country Goth Girl.
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Thank you for the terrific reblog.
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Think I’ll forward this list to my hubby, John. He has a history of buying gifts that really aren’t for me. I usually just get my own.
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I can feel his pain. Thanks, Teri
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I won’t tell you which ones, but suffice it to say, it’s a good list, John. Although, modern convenience stores are stocking gourmet brands of jerky.
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Taht would certainly make a difference the, Thanks, Dan
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I know a guy who used to pull the weed trimmer routine. Oddly enough he isn’t married to her any more.
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Ha haha. I’m not surprised
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Yes a bakery cake is always appreciated:) Happy birthday to the Producer.
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Thanks, Denise.
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Lol! Great list of things to avoid for sure! I hope The Producer had a GREAT birthday!
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She had a great birthday, Jan. Thank you. 😁
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I’m guessing you baked a cake that NASA wants to get hold of, John? You’ll go down in history as the first man who baked a cake that ended up on Mars. My question, though – will it still be there in 10 years, or will E.T have found it by then, and his species are now planning on invading earth? 👽
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No, I wrote the blog. I do think your story has a high feasibilty factor. I dsid bake such a cake long ago.
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My wife plans to retire on her birthday. Here is hoping that she’s so excited that she won’t notice that I forgot it was her birthday.
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Ha ha ha,
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Lovely post, John! I got lots of chuckles from this one. I’m one of those who invariably gets my Companion exactly the perfectly… wrong gift! Lord knows I do try, though.
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You should get points for trying, Jim. 😄
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A packet of beef jerky and a weed trimmer wouldn’t be high on my want list for a birthday either, John! Tell the producer I hope hers was spectacular — and perhaps glittery!
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Hers was great and yes glittery. Thank you, Debbie
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The very best kind. Good job, my friend!
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Thank you, Debbie.
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Good advice, John, lol. Happy birthday to the Mrs.!
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Thank you, Jacquie. It was a delightful day
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A partner once took me to a Tupperware Party for my birthday. I thought it was a joke until the Tupperware came out. Happy Birthday to your wife, John.
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Thak you, Rob. That sounds like an ex-partner move to me. 😀
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LOL. You got it. Eventually.
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😁
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Wonderful list, dear John!Last 5 points are extremely urgent! Happy birthday to Your Lady. I hope there were plenty of baloons at the party and the cake was delicious! 🙂
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The cake was delicious. Thank you, Maria.
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Mmmmm! I’m happy to learn that! 🙂
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May I share this with my hubby! I think he´s done most of these things. I´m a vegetarian so the beef jerky did not go down well at all.
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Yes. Please share. A life saved would be a nice reward.
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out this post from the Fiction Favorites blog with the Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday
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Thank you, Don
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You’re welcome
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An excellent list, John. Terence bought me a bread maker for Christmas but I love it so I didn’t mind the domesticated gift.
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I woud like a bread maker too.
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I’ve found that you’re golden as long as you remember your significant other’s birthday, John
Beyond that, it’s a minefield for sure, but remembering is the hard part for most people.
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You just summed up men when it comes to birthdays and being outside of their comfort zone. Really funny, John! I hope I don’t get beef jerky for my birthday. 😅
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Could be worse. 😄
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Haha! 😀
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