The inspiration for this post came as a result of thinking hard about the Top Tens that have already been done. Since history was a little less funny this week I decided to do this since it hasn’t been done before.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator
10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)
9 If you are on an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny is bust worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)
8 If you are on an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire Stae building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water.)
7 If you are on an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (That report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)
6 If you are on an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)
5 If you are on an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)
4 If you are on an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you. At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)
3 If you are on an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)
2 If you are on an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)
1 If you are on an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)
Fiction Favorites 
Great list, John. 😀 Maybe you can market the lists. Seriously! Elevator etiquette is a must, especially on long journeys in a high rise.
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Thank you, Gwen. Have done many high rise trips. Never comfortable.
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Fantastic list, John! Number four cracked me up. 🙂
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Number four is my favorite, too!
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Thanks, Liz
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Glad you liked it, Jill. Thanks.
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That smelly food one should be a law. Happens so many times.
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Same for taking off shoes. Thanks, Charles.
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hilarious, I could picture each one as actually happening too!!
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I think somewhere and sometime they did happen. Thanks, GP.
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That’s my emotional support lion. I just forgot to feed him. You didn’t really need that muffin, John.
These are all good. It might explain why I usually take the stairs.
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I don’t blame you on the stairs, Dan. Thanks. I don’t miss the muffin but the hand is another matter. 😁
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Good to see the return of tiny. Lol… The big guy in the back was the one that got me this time though. Lol.
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Hahaha. Thanks, Kevin
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A great list. May I add, it is not necessary to show everyone on the elevator your daughter´s wedding pictures or the photos of your new grandson. My husband still won´t go in an elevator with me after that. How did I know, I didn´t have your list with me. xo
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Yes. Never leave home without my lists. Thanks, Darlene.
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That mass evacuation comment will stay with me all day.
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Ha ha ha. Remember it when you take a big drink.
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Winter back when got stuck in a new Chicago 60-+ story high-rise halfway up with the elevator packed and snow falling – we were stuck for about two hours; powers at be finally sent up an adjacent elevator, and we all crawled out…it was a convention party everyone was going up to celebrate ‘something’. Yes, we idiots got on another elevator and went up to the party. Crazy! Ah, the memories… ♥
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I got caught in the elevator in the parking garage at LaGuardia airport. I was alone but it took four hours to get the doors open. I was heading home and finally got there at 1:00 AM.
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Ouch! ♥
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I know
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I like Gwen’s term – elevator etiquette. Not everyone knows it. Thanks for the laughs, John!
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Thank you, Teri.
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Image the elevator shutting down after you gulped those 32 ounces.
Ugh the pain.
Happy Monday John.
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Caught on the 32nd floor.
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And the nearest bathroom on the 40th. Lol
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Lucky for us there is potted plant over there.
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Perhaps that’s why they’ve got lighted numbers at the top of the door — so people will fixate on them rather than do annoying things (like hum, try to engage strangers in meaningless conversation, or yak on cell phones!) Nicely done, John.
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I think you are right, Debbie. 😊
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Ha! You’re in great form today, John. I’m still laughing about the lion. Alternatively, you could get in the front, turn to face everyone, and grin. 😀 Hugs on the wing!
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That would scare everyone more I think.
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I would much rather deal with a lion on an elevator than someone who is droning on and on and on in a cell phone call with no end in sight.
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I love the ones on speaker and holding the damn phone about a foot from their face.
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Ugh! I want to take that phone and . . .
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Be fun to have a phone grinder. Grab the phone and give the party back a bag of confetti made of the phone.
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Oh my God, that would be perfect.
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I know right?
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Truth.
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😊
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I’m not a fan of riding elevators so this really had me laughing
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I don’t like them myself.
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Best to post those in some elevators in the City … 😉
The lion one can’t be helped, though. What’s the kind of the jungle expected to do, climb the STAIRS? 😉
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king* (auto-correct goblin at my g and made it d)
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ate my e and made it poof
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Ha ha ha. You are challenged today.
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Yep, the goblins are out in full force to humble me. 🙂
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Here is a humble ward.
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🙂
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Damn, I think I caught something from you. The ‘a” is missing in the word “award.”
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Sorry … I know autocorrectis is infectious … 😉 Take two spell-checkers and call your doctor in the morning … 😉
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Yes. I need to do that. Thank you, nurse.
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“Atchooo!” (Sorry! Still apparently sik … 😉 )
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😷 Wearing protection
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LOL!
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LOL
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Yes not suitable for a king to do stairs after all. 🦁
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And the biggest not to do: fart!
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Yowzaa
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That upped my fear of elevators anxiety level! Yikes!
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😊
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I guess I’d have to add, “Don’t bore everyone with stories of what it used to be like to ride in an elevator, back in the days when elevators were civilized.” I remember the elevator operators who wore uniforms, sitting on a little stool, and saying, “Floor, please?” Sometimes, they’d announce each floor you came to — “Fourth Floor–ladies lingerie and sleepwear”!
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Don’t forget, “Watch your step.”
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Ha! Good ones, John. Garlic chicken on an elevator would cause me to get off and take the stairs!
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I think a side of broccoli would guarantee it. Thanks, Jan 😀
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I cannot help but wonder, John, how you omitted the um… dangers of eating, say, beans, and thinking you can get away with the nefarious effects within the confines.
Then again, this is a classy place so, maybe best to not include that one!
I’m with you on the phones. I would so love to knock it out of their hands and accidentally insert my stiletto heel…(if I wore stilettos, that is)
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Yeah, you have to believe I contemplated the flatulence episode but thought it over and went with evacuation instead. Of course, one comment hit it directly. 😁
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Duh. Well, so focused on the lion I missed that excellent subtle mass evacuation and all its meanings.
And maybe you omitted it, knowing one of your faithful readers would be crass enough to bring it up… thereby giving you an 11th item on your list…
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Hahaha. Thanks, Dale. Plus I can always say, “It wasn’t me.” 😁
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Buahaha!!! 😉
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Mass evacuation… I’m still juvenile enough to appreciate that! I’ll be chuckling the rest of the night!
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You gotta believe the author of that line is juvenile enough to write it. Thanks, Jim. 😁
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“Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)” — That’s reassuring, I think.
“I got caught in the elevator in the parking garage at LaGuardia airport. I was alone but it took four hours to get the doors open.” — Thank God you didn’t have to pee … or did you? I’m sure there was no potted plant in the elevator.
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It is reassuring unless someone has tampered with the brake. 🎶 cue the spooky music.
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What a thriller story, dear John! Garlic chicken & lions in elevators! What terrible times! 🙂
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I know right? so America.
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Indeed! Indeed!
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😀
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Reblogged this on Where Genres Collide Traci Kenworth YA Author & Book Blogger.
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Thank you, Traci.
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You’re welcome, John!
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Pet lion, garlic chicken and eye contact… I belly laughed! This was terrific, John.
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Thank you, Jennie. Belly laughs are good.
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Yes, they are! 😀
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well, just walk those stairs… 😂
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Good for the heart too.
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True 🏃♀️ 👍
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Huff puff.
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I like the warning about OCD Tiny. I don’t want to ever meet him, either inside an elevator or outside. I have just ‘met’ you, but you have made my day.
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Yes , Tiny is not one to make friends easily. Thank you for the visit, Zambian Lady. I went to your site to find out your name but was unsuccessful. Interesting posts there Ms. Lady.
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Ha!
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[…] 6. https://johnwhowell.com/2019/09/09/top-ten-things-not-to-do-in-an-elevator/ […]
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Thank you, Traci.
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