Top Ten Things Not to Do at The Second Monte Carlo Auto Rally in 1912

January 20, 2020 · by John W. Howell · in Ten Things Not to Do · 59 Comments

Henri Rougier and the 25Hp Turcat-Mery before the inaugural Monte Carlo rally 1911

This week marks the anniversary of the second auto rally at Monte Carlo in 1912. We all know we want to go there, and as usual, we need to take a list of things not to do to stay out of trouble. So here is the list.

10 If you go, do not ask anyone when the first rally took place. If you do, at best, whoever you ask will think you are drunk. At worst, you’ll be considered an outsider and non-rally buff. (The first rally took place in 1911, Jan. It was won by Henri Rougier under a ton of scandal around the vague judging rules. You now have the officials nervous thinking you might be a hired Pinkerton agent.)

9 If you go, do not encourage Tiny the WWF champ to join a rally team. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he will join, and since he weighs so much, his team’s car could not manage the 22 Miles Per Hour needed to win. (Tiny, who has missed over a year’s worth of self-esteem and body shaming group sessions, is now looking for you, Janus. He plans to practice his new hold. He loosely describes it as the ‘Backbreaker.’)

8 If you go, do not promise to enter a car in the race next year and pay the entry fee. If you do, at best, the price is low. At worst, the high cost of entry will be held for you until 1923. (You see, Janyl because of tensions surrounding the circumstances leading up to WWI the race was canceled for next year. The race did not resume until 1923. Let’s hope you can make it back. That entry fee was very dear.)

7 If you go, do not talk about Peugeots, Mini-Coopers, Alpine-Renaults, Lancias, and Porsches. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give the impression that you need mental care. ( The cars of the day are Turcat-Mery, Gobron, Dunkop, and Berliet, Japheth. Yes, we know you’ve never heard of them but take my word for it. Here come some guys in white coats, and they don’t look like they have a very good sense of humor.)

6 If you go, do not ask to buy tickets to the pits. If you do, at best, no one will know what the pits are. At worst, someone will take your money and show you to an underground jail. (The rally isn’t the kind of race where you have pit stops, Jaran. Competitors come from several cities and end up in Monaco. The idea at this time is to get there first and have the most elegant car. I hope you enjoy your stay in the pit. Pay no attention to that guy hanging from the wall in chains. He’ll try to make you believe he is innocent. Maybe like you will with the next sucker.)

5 If you go, do not ask where the VIP tent is set up. If you do, at best, someone will direct you to a restroom. At worst, they’ll think you are part of a radical political element. (The person thought the letters VIP stood for Vendredi International Partier which they loosely interpret ‘do away with the monarchy on Friday.’ So now the special police are headed your way, Jaren. You may end up in the pit after all.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the t-shirt stand. If you do, at best, someone will point to the North (for no real reason). At worst, you will be asking a secret service person who now wants to know where you came from. (Don’t tell him anything, Jarin. If he discovers you are a time traveler, you will break all laws of the time continuum. Huh, it looks like he is heating up a poker. Yeah, I would spill my guts if I were you. That thing looks like it might hurt.)

3 If you go, do not kick the tires on the Turcat-Mery. If you do, at best, nothing will happen. At worst, your kick just happened to hit the weak spot on the front left tire. (Good for you, Jaromir. You now have flattened the tire on last year’s winner. It looks like they won’t place this year since there is no spare. By the way, Henri looks a little upset, and that monkey wrench in his hand appears very big and solid.)

2 If you go, do not congratulate Von Eismark for his second-place finish. If you do, at best, he may just step on your foot. At worst, instead of confronting Jules Beutler, the winner, he may turn on you. (Looks like you are in line for a duel, Jarrah. It seems there was a dispute on the road, and ole Von Eismark just couldn’t get over it. Just a word of advice. Don’t choose swords as the weapon of honor.)

1 If you go, do not ask Jules Beutler the winner for a selfie. If you do, at best, it’ll happen before he knows what is up. At worst, the police will think you are holding a gun and come get you. (Why on Earth would you take a selfie anyway, Jarrel. Just pulling out that camera phone causes riots in this time zone.)

Tags: author, books, Circumstances of Childhood, fiction favorites, His Revenge, John W. Howell Author, My GRL, Our Justice, Ten Things Not to Do, The Contract with Gwen Plano

59 comments

Charles Yallowitz · January 20, 2020 - 4:05 am ·

I was actually going to ask about #10. Oops.

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 8:06 am ·
  
  Hahahaha. Thanks, Charles.
  
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Jill Weatherholt · January 20, 2020 - 4:51 am ·

“Don’t kick the tires.” LOL! Great list, John!

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 8:06 am ·
  
  Thank you, Jill. 😊. You were tempted weren’t you?
  
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  1. Jill Weatherholt · January 20, 2020 - 1:40 pm ·
    
    Yep! 🙂
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 3:16 pm ·
    
    Hahahaha
    
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Dan Antion · January 20, 2020 - 5:54 am ·

So many rules, John. So many ways to get hurt. I’m not sure this is worth it. If only I could keep my mouth shut.

This is a great list. I particularly like the VIP tent. Whoda thunk that?

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 7:59 am ·
  
  I had to go into the French dictionary and fine three word that somewhat matched VIP. Thanks for the appreciation. 😁
  
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Gwen M. Plano · January 20, 2020 - 6:12 am ·

Goodness, I’d be a tag along for sure and a silent one at that!

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 7:58 am ·
  
  Might be a good idea (Tag a long and silent) Thanks, Gwen
  
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GP Cox · January 20, 2020 - 6:49 am ·

Hey – can I ask for a model with air conditioning?

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 7:50 am ·
  
  Here’s a fan. Now youare set. 😁
  
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John Hric · January 20, 2020 - 6:54 am ·

Gee sometimes you act like not remaining inconspicuous in the past is a very dangerous thing to do! Hold my beer and watch this !

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 7:49 am ·
  
  Good luck. Did you spit in this beer?
  
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  1. John Hric · January 20, 2020 - 1:53 pm ·
    
    Wasn’t there a 10 things to do in Texas when you tell someone to hold your beer ?
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 3:16 pm ·
    
    There should be. Top Ten Things Not to Do When a Texan Asks You to Hold Their Beer. Also, Top Ten things Not to Do in Texas When You Tell Someone to Hold Your Beer. Both can be funny.
    
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Teri Polen · January 20, 2020 - 7:42 am ·

I know nothing about cars – I’d probably be kicked out anyway.

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 7:48 am ·
  
  You could just stand around with a coktail. That would work. 😁
  
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shoreacres · January 20, 2020 - 7:58 am ·

Can I just stay home, and read about it later in the newspapers? I know they had newspapers back then!

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Pit · January 20, 2020 - 8:33 am ·

When was the first one?

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 8:54 am ·
  
  1911. The picture is from the first. 😊
  
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  1. Pit · January 20, 2020 - 8:57 am ·
    
    Thanks, John, for the info!
    
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Debbie · January 20, 2020 - 9:02 am ·

Seriously? A mere 22 mph would win?! Golly, it’s hard keeping today’s cars at anything under 30! I think I like Tiny’s new hold, but it sounds painful.

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 9:11 am ·
  
  Yes. The winner had a 25 HP engine. You would think coasting down a hill would get a bigger speed than 22 MPH
  
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Ankur Mithal · January 20, 2020 - 9:48 am ·

Wonder if anyone would notice if I just quietly filmed the race with my drone.

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D.L. Finn, Author · January 20, 2020 - 12:09 pm ·

Good thing I am not a tire kicker…another funny list John:)

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 3:18 pm ·
  
  Thank you, Denise.
  
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Dale · January 20, 2020 - 12:23 pm ·

I can’t believe rallies have been around so long!
22 mph – they were just whizzing by, weren’t they?

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 3:18 pm ·
  
  You had to make sure your neck didn’t break on the take off. I can hear that rubber squealing now.
  
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  1. Dale · January 20, 2020 - 4:41 pm ·
    
    Hold on tight! 🙂
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 4:43 pm ·
    
    Hahaha
    
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coldhandboyack · January 20, 2020 - 12:59 pm ·

I want my selfie with the rally girls. Checkered dresses from neck to ankle. As for weapons, I choose tomatoes at ten paces.

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1. John W. Howell · January 20, 2020 - 3:17 pm ·
  
  Good choice. Hahahahaha
  
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Liz Gauffreau · January 20, 2020 - 4:58 pm ·

#5 is my favorite!

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1. John W. Howell · January 21, 2020 - 9:02 am ·
  
  Thanks, Liz. I like it too.
  
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  1. Liz Gauffreau · January 21, 2020 - 7:15 pm ·
    
    🙂
    
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kevin cooper · January 20, 2020 - 5:40 pm ·

Lol… When was your first… er… scratch that, oh darn, I think I kicked the wrong tire! 😁

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1. John W. Howell · January 21, 2020 - 9:01 am ·
  
  Hahaha. Thanks, Kevin.
  
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Don Massenzio · January 21, 2020 - 8:36 am ·

Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Here’s another great top ten post from John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog: TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT THE SECOND MONTE CARLO AUTO RALLY IN 1912

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1. John W. Howell · January 21, 2020 - 8:54 am ·
  
  Thank you, Don.
  
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  1. Don Massenzio · January 21, 2020 - 9:33 am ·
    
    You’re welcome
    
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kethuprofumo · January 21, 2020 - 12:54 pm ·

What a funny set, dear John! And don’t ask about Michael Schumacher! People might think it is a new engine. 🙂

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1. John W. Howell · January 21, 2020 - 2:02 pm ·
  
  A sad story too. Thanks, Maria.
  
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  1. kethuprofumo · January 21, 2020 - 3:14 pm ·
    
    Agree, dear John. It teaches us how much the high speed might be dangerous.
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 21, 2020 - 4:02 pm ·
    
    It does teach that lesson. Also stay off skis.
    
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  3. kethuprofumo · January 21, 2020 - 4:14 pm ·
    
    Saint true,dear John!!!
    
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  4. John W. Howell · January 22, 2020 - 7:20 am ·
    
    😊
    
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robertawrites235681907 · January 21, 2020 - 10:48 pm ·

You have shared some interesting facts here, John. A great post.

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1. John W. Howell · January 22, 2020 - 7:29 am ·
  
  Thank you, Robbie. I managed to put a few in there. 😁
  
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markbierman · January 21, 2020 - 10:52 pm ·

Turcat-Mery, Gobron, Dunkop . . . so many early car companies that have gone the way of the Dodo bird. I’d love to time travel there. I’d be mighty tempted to bring my camera phone.

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1. John W. Howell · January 22, 2020 - 7:30 am ·
  
  Just be careful how you use it and you should be fine. Throw a jacket over your head and pretend you have a box camera. 😁
  
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  1. markbierman · January 23, 2020 - 3:09 am ·
    
    Good one!
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 23, 2020 - 7:39 am ·
    
    Hahahaha. Thaks, Mark.
    
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Andrew Joyce · January 22, 2020 - 1:42 pm ·

A Turcat-Mery? Man, you sure do your homework.

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1. John W. Howell · January 22, 2020 - 2:13 pm ·
  
  Yeppers. I have you looking over my shoulder. Need to be accurate for sure. 😁
  
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Jennie · January 23, 2020 - 8:29 pm ·

Hilarious, John. Tiny was at his best, or your best. I learned so much on this one. That was a real bonus!

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1. John W. Howell · January 24, 2020 - 8:30 am ·
  
  Thank you, Jennie. Learn with a smile. 😊
  
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  1. Jennie · January 24, 2020 - 8:26 pm ·
    
    Absolutely! 😀
    
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  2. John W. Howell · January 25, 2020 - 8:19 am ·
    
    😊
    
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