Here is a post that I originally published on April 4th, 2016, in honor of opening day in baseball. Maybe you’ll find it funny again or for the first time.
This list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.
Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.
10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee, including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)
9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”
8. If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)
7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now maybe a lone wolf).
6. If you plan to attend a game and sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)
5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to better your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)
4. If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)
3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and then root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)
2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)
1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream.)
Fiction Favorites 
I’m betting #10 happens a lot during every season. Seems like it’s out of a sitcom though.
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It does souns like a sitcom for sure. Opening day is when work skippers can mostly be found. If you can hold an internet connection in the park “work at home” remains intact. Just stay away form the jumbotron camera. Thanks, Charles
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Easier said than done. Wonder if some bosses purposely watch the games in search of ‘sick’ employees. Especially those who have team merch around their office space.
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Hahaha. Would be a pretty bankrupt boss. (Hmmm. Now I wonder too.)
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Maybe. They could just put the game on TV or DVR it for later.
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Good answer, Charles
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Five years later, you could probably take two luxury vacations!
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Hahahaha. I think you are right. 😁
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Another great Top Ten Things Not To Do and especially relevant today! We may not like politics, but who doesn’t love the sport. 😊
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Good thing none of the teams are named after Confederate generals. Then politics and the game would merge quickly. Right now the Cleveland Indians are playing their last season so named. Thanks, Gwen. Love the sport indeed. 😁
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You make attending a baseball game sound so appealing. 😉 I’ll pass . . .
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Aw come on. Paying outragious prices for a hard seat in the sun? It doesn’t get any better than that. 😂
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Aw, come on, I can’t yell at the umpire? I want to see the re-play!!
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Bring a megaphone. I’m sure a lot of fans will be right with you. Thanks, GP.
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I’ve seen a few of these guys at games. Good list, John but I could live with the cheese nachos reminder. Good to see “Tiny” in his earlier form.
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Yeah, Brutus seems to be the kin of Tiny. Thanks, Dan
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You also inspired a future one-liner memory for me.
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That is a good thing as well. 😁
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Feels like it’s been so long since I’ve been to a game, I’m printing this list to post it on my refrigerator for future reference. Have a good week, John.
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Do they allow people to attend games? I’m not even sure.
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Being a hardcore baseball fan channeling The Babe every chance I get, I LOVED THIS. I remember being on the train to Yankee Stadium because it’s the easiest way to go. Only out of towners drive, so number 8 made me laugh. Considering a hotdog and beer will cost you 20 bucks, parking….fugetaboutit. I love these Monday pieces of yours. Susannah
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Thank you, Susannah. I have enjoyed a few games at Yankee Stadium too. I remember taking a break with the ad agency and sitting eating peanuts still in a suit. Fun times.
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I love the smell of the Stadium. There’s nothing else like it. And watching the kids who get so excited just to be there. Yes, fun times, even now. 🙂
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I was always humbled to know I was sitting in that famous park.
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The House That Ruth Built. Of course that is no more…sigh…now we have a newer version without the accumulated character. Why do few respect the old. They could have restored rather than replace. Right Babe? Right!!!
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You would think.
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#10 made me think of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when he skipped school and showed up on TV at a Cubs game, lol.
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I know right? I love that movie. It inspired number 10.
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This was great, John. #1 and #10 had me laughing out loud!
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Good. A good laugh is a healthy thing.
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It is!
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I think this is one of your best — and I don’t even watch baseball! All ten bits of advice are on point — well done!
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Thank you, Linda. Glad you liked it.
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I love this one. Already watched a game on television and listened to one on Sirius XM.
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There you go. A fan’s fan.
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Going to a ball game used to be a cheap date – now you need to earn 6 figures. If you plan to attend an MLB game, it won’t be in Georgia. Dear heavens, I hate this woke movement.
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The sad part is the woke-types have no understanding of the voting bill in Georgia
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They only know what Biden told them, which earned five Pinocchios from the NYT. I’d like to be generous and say he only said what his handlers told him to say. Maybe he was a little tired to read the entire bill.
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We are entering a new era where cancel culture, and systemic racism will be the excuses for all kinds of foolish behavior. Sad part those who try to say it is wrong behavior are labelled Trumpers or racist. Karl Marx is having the last laugh.
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Always fun times on Mondays 🙂
And yeah, talk about putting yourself into debt if you choose to eat and drink at a game!
So many people do number 10 😀
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Thank you, Dale. I think it must be easier now to catch a game while “Working from home.”
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This is true… were I in the least interested in watching a game 😉
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As a sports junkie, I loved this post. Where else can you get a beer for $12? Your post reminded me that two years ago, I was at the Final Four. I think I might need to reblog that since the championship game is tonight.
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Yes, indeed. My daughter’s Baylor Bears are at the final game tonight. They aren’t in the stands either.
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Love it. Now I’m excited for baseball again. The greatest game ever played!
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I’m glad you liked it, Trent
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out another great top ten list from John Howell via this post on his blog. This one is the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU PLAN TO ATTEND A MLB GAME
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Thank you for reblogging, Don. 😁
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You’re welcome.
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Nice home run call in re-posting this one Boss. And since it’s been a couple seasons since I took out a second mortgage for a day at Yankee Stadium . . I get it.
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Hahahaha. Thanks, Pilgrim
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Ah, Baseball.
You mean like rounders, the girls game?
No I mean a game for guys, a manly game. We dress the boys in uniforms and get them to strut around and stretch. After the stretches are done they run out onto the field and we cheer them.
Like us oldies ogling young girls playing rounders?
Well, no, this is sport. And anyway it is is young men we are ogling……
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Now this one is unusual, Ray
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ah sorry, that is just me being weird as usual, we Scots, do not understand baseball, well I suppose that no one really does apart from Americans. Here it is a sport for young girls.No one else in the world really understands the US’s fascination for “rounders”
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My grandfather and grandmother came to the US from Scotland. He was from Glasgow and she from Port Soy. Sharp and McKay are the clan names. 😁
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Still very prominent names here.
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Where do you live?
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Great list, John.
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Thank you, Mark
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Great advice. Thanks!
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I’m enjoying Yellow Hair. I’m at the part where everyone in the train is dead except for Jacob and the Native Americans have arrived and the girl wants to save Jacob. Great story. Of course, I enjoy all your stories.
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