This post was originally run on April 7th, 2015. I hope you get a laugh or two out of this re-run.
Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods
10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best, your heart will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout. (The people behind you have a feeling of love right now.)
9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first, then buy spot. If you do, at best, store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything before checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge on your next visit. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)
8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best, you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad, you could have bought a farm and raised your own. (You will need a horse, of course.)
7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best, you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”( Yes, you can get a loan for your next trip.)
6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on the government’s use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground, which has only one satisfactory conclusion, and that is to run out of the store. (You are lucky you didn’t sign up.)
5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best, you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction. (Now that you are tied up, maybe you can explain it was a joke.)
4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not reach over the counter to help yourself if you sit at the wine bar. If you do, at best, you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year.)
3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips understand they still are not a good thing to eat. If you forget, at best, you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes. (The calories jump on the body the same way organic or no.)
2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember, the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best, you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.(You can leave a security deposit to hold your place.)
1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, the rest of the line will wonder what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest. ( That buzz you feel is all-natural.)
Fiction Favorites 
#9 brings back memories. Not of doing that, but communal salad bars. Those were sketchy even before covid. Now I wonder if they still exist around here.
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I know they don’t here. Thanks, Charles.
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I shopped at Whole Foods for the first time several years ago. I went there only to buy some milk. It was a beautiful experience walking through a clean and well-lit store, with shelves stocked with items I had not seen before. At checkout, I was too shocked to return any of the items that I bought out of curiosity. Once I got home, I applied for a second mortgage.
And, I forgot the milk.
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What a funny story, Karen. Thanks for the laugh. 😁
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Great the second time around, John. Whole Foods is a nice store, but way overpriced for my budget. Do you all have Aldi or Lidl? Great prices and fantastic produce…definitely no sticker shock at the register.
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We have one but too far away from us. 😊
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Actually, I’ve never been to a Whole Foods, and after today – I don’t think I ever will. They can’t take a joke, eh?! 😕
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Like most things specialized, humor is not at the top of the list.
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Ha ha! You have Whole Foods’ number!
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Thanks, Liz
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You’re welcome, John.
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Sounds like an accurate depiction of the one we have here.
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Thanks, Craig.
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Still makes me smile, John. I worked with a couple of the people who might have tied me up for asking where they keep the Doritos. I loved “…extras beyond the tortilla…” but it’s also just a bit scary. I think the best breakfast taco I ever had was from a little stand in San Antonio – I don’t it was stocked by Whole Foods.
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When we lived in San Antonio there was a place named Taco-Taco Cafe which was a short walk from our house. They won national acclaim as Best Tacos in America by Bon Appitite on the Food Network. We loved them.
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Living next to the best tacos in America had to be dangerous.
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Life threatening. Good thing the lines were long.😊
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“That buzz you feel is all-natural.” Love that line, John. 😁 I’ve been to Whole Foods once but left without buying anything because of the prices. Like a few others, I frequent Aldi and a couple of local stories that have a large organic section. Thanks for the morning chuckles.
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We don’t have an Aldi near us. I think it is a German based supermarket so you know it is probably good.
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I have a vague memory of salad bars, lol. There were a few items we’d always buy at Whole Foods when we visited (the closest one is an hour away), but they quit carrying them. Good rerun!
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Thanks, Pilgrim.
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I’ve never been to a Whole Foods. The closest one is in Houston, and I’m not about to drive an hour to buy groceries. Besides: I have a local store that’s part of a local chain that’s cleaner than a hospital, hires high school kids who are unfailingly polite, and checks its produce for freshness every day. I hope they never sell out..
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Love the locals
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This is so true, John:) I thought it would be cheaper than our local co-op, boy was I wrong! Not worth the hour drive for me when I can shop locally or go to Costco or the grocery store that all have organic.
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Gosh no. Local is better.
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To me, the top thing not to do is to go there without a well-filled check book. At least that was the way before it was taken over by Amazon, when it used to be called “Whole Checks”. 😀
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Yes indeed.
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Lol! Good ones, John. COVID eliminated the salad bar, but #1 had me laughing out loud! I might or might not have done that at some point. 🙂
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Never read this before but it has me chuckling since I go to Whole Weeks regularly very familiar with their sneaky salad bar…number 8 made me really laugh….you could have bought a farm and raised your own. That is so true. Suddenly your modest salad could have come from the Ritz Fedexed. You’re so funny John, and they do tend to be rude so yes, they’ll embarrass you just to make their shift pass faster. 🙂
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I always loved the ones with the nose ring, green hair, and wearing overalls who would tell me “You might find that at Safeway.”
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I think she works at the one I go to. 🙂
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There is one at every store. I think they manufacture them. Might even be robots.
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And this, dear John, is exactly why I cook from scratch and never buy in healthy foods. A fabulously entertaining post.
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I’m glad you liked it Robbie.
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You nailed it, John! We have a Whole Foods in town but I never go to it. We went to one a couple of times while visiting in Santa Fe a few years ago. Frankly, I wasn’t impressed … well, I was impressed by the prices but not by the food or other products. A friend of mine worked for Whole Foods here for a few weeks when they first opened up and was treated badly. I am happy with my local coop which is small and personable (and has reasonable prices) 🙂
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Yeah the coop would be much more reasonable. Thanks, Marie
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I don’t think I’ve ever shopped in Whole Foods before, but I’m going to remember your post if I ever do.
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Good idea, Pete. 😁
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Beg to differ: any potato chips are very healthy. They are a vegetable and usually very thin. They are good even when you have a tummy ache. I swear by them for all occasions.
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I do too. The folks at Whole Foods are not so enamored. 😁
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LOL!!!!
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Don’t go there hungry! 😁😀😁😂😂😂 Oh, dear John! No place like this should be allowed to visit hungry ever!
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I agree, Maria. Shopping in a grocery store while hungry means more money spent. 😁
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😂😂😂
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🍔😁
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
John Howell is back with another great top ten list. Head over to his blog to check out the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT WHOLE FOODS
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Thank you for sharing, Don.
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You’re welcome.
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Your lists give me hope AND educate at the same time. Both!
But I guess I am on their watch list because I swore the salad bar was for sampling as I shopped. Oh well . . .
And a hundred dollar taco? What’s not to love?
You’ve created a new coffee selection. “Rainforest Oil Change”.
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Hahaha. Love the cofee selection. I have an acquaintance who was banned for a year because he reached over to serve himself some wine. The story made me pee my pants when he told it. Hi slast line was, “Who is arrogant enough to think being banned from Whole Foods is a life altering event? Whole Foods , that’s who.”
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Getting banned from Whole Foods is a gift. It means you’re not going to pay Lambo prices for Standard groceries.
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I would think so too. 😁
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Fo sho
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I’ll have to take your word for it as we, in Quebec, have no Whole Foods (they’d have to translate the name for the language police, anyway!
I do remember going into one in Chicago… It was a small one with big prices!
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I guess Aliments Entiers wouldn’t have the same ring to it. Thanks, Dale.
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Pas vraiment, non 😉
Mon plaisir, Patron!
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😁
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#10 has actually happened to me. 🙂
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To everyone
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John, I can’t remember when I have laughed so hard. I live in Whole Foods country, and all of your ten were hilariously true.
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Thanks, Jennie. So glad you liked it.
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You’re welcome, John.
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“With just two cups of water and a three stalks of asparagus, Whole Foods has finally invented a product that not even people who shop at Whole Foods will buy.”
No wonder at $6.00 a bottle!!!
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hahahah. I finished Yellow Hair and am working on the review. Loved it (of course)
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I’m dying 🤣🤣
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Glad you iked it
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I have been there once, the price is higher than other stores, but foods there look good and most of the products are organic. One of the staffs looked stern , but I didn’t talk with them, just shopped and left.
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Thank you for your comment. The last time I was in Taipai was in 1995. Maybe I will return some day.
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Wow, it’s good to hear that. Hope everything goes well to you and your country.
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Thank you.
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all the best for your journeys ahead…this was an interesting post.
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Thank you, Sophia. 😊
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