Top Ten Things Not to Do When it’s Your Birthday

May 17, 2021 · by John W. Howell · in Ten Things Not to Do · 110 Comments

This post ran on May 11, 2015. I hope you like it if you haven’t seen it.

The inspiration for this is the fact that all of us have a day of birth, even those of you from another planet. So I thought we could all use a little advice on that particular day.

Top Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

10 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone what you want for a present. If you do, at best, you won’t get what you requested. At worst, you will get all kinds of things that are sort of like what you wanted but not quite. (Yeah, that used Prius doesn’t even look like a Bentley)

9 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone you are feeling older. If you do, at best, a well-meaning someone will plop a post on Facebook asking everyone to cheer you up. At worst, you will get all those people who are older than you telling you things like “you only live once, enjoy,” and “When I was your age…”(Thanks, Pops, that really cheered me up)

8 When it’s your birthday, do not request a special dinner even if asked. If you do, at best, the dinner will not resemble what you thought you wanted. At worst, the dinner will be so complex and require so much prep that you will be forever in the debt of the preparer. (and reminded of same periodically)

7 When it is your birthday, do not let anyone at work know, even if you are in a birthday club. If you do, at best, all the cake and potluck will be made of everything forbidden on your restricted diet. At worst, since you have no idea which one of the dishes was prepared in the home of an Ebola sufferer, you will be playing potluck roulette with anything you try. (Just drink your ipecac and quit complaining.)

6 When it’s your birthday, do not accept an invitation to celebrate after work. If you do, at best, you will only be slightly late to your surprise birthday party at home. At worst, you might forget all about a prior commitment and join in the rest of the work crew for way too many birthday shots that could ultimately end with a late-night karaoke sing-off which you will win just before passing out in the restroom. (You’ve looked better in the morning)

5 When it’s your birthday, do not join everyone and sing Happy Birthday to yourself. If you do, at best, the assumption is you had too much punch. At worst, the party goers will come away with the feeling you could have had your own narcissistic party that would have been cheaper for them. (They may be right.)

4 When it’s your birthday, try to look pleased with your in-law’s gift. If you don’t, at best, you might hurt their feelings. At worst, you will be the center of a raging controversy about what it takes to please you with no good result. ( Can you say the center of attention?)

3 When it’s your birthday, do not tell the restaurant this information. If you do, at best, someone will quietly bring a piece of cake and congratulations. At worst, the entire restaurant crew will gather at your table clapping and singing some rendition of Happy Birthday while delivering a cake with a sparkler that gets the attention of the whole room.(Oh joy, your boss is over there.)

2 When it’s your birthday, do not stop at a store just to see what’s new. If you do, at best, you will only look around and realize you don’t need anything. At worst, you will feel as if your birthday somehow suspends any restraint that you have for overspending. The presents you buy yourself will be way too expensive. (and unnecessary.)

1 When it’s your birthday, do not take the occasion to over analyze the significance of the event. If you do, at best, you may miss the fun of the day. At worst, you may be unkind to yourself and in the process discount much of your success. (This took a nasty psychological turn, didn’t it?)

Tags: author, books, Circumstances of Childhood, Eternal Road - The final stop, fiction favorites, His Revenge, John W. Howell Author, My GRL, Our Justice, The Contract with Gwen Plano, Top Ten Things Not to Do

110 comments

Charles Yallowitz · May 17, 2021 - 4:18 am ·

Pretty sure I’ve broken most of these.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:14 am ·
  
  Me too. Hahahaha
  
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karenringalls · May 17, 2021 - 5:34 am ·

I know I have broken most of these, but I have a year to learn! Thanks for the advice.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:16 am ·
  
  Yes. New learning is a good thing. Thanks, Karen.
  
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Gwen M. Plano · May 17, 2021 - 5:46 am ·

Some good reminders, John, expecially with your birthday rapidly approaching. 😁

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:16 am ·
  
  Yes it is coming like the wind. Thanks, Gwen.
  
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Jill Weatherholt · May 17, 2021 - 5:56 am ·

Number three is the worst!

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:17 am ·
  
  I agree. Stopped doing that when I was 19. 😁
  
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2. Luanne · May 17, 2021 - 8:27 pm ·
  
  Yes, and that’s because our necks get red!
  
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  1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:20 am ·
    
    Which rises to the cheeks and makes our noses look longer. 😁
    
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  2. Luanne · May 18, 2021 - 12:50 pm ·
    
    LOL!!! I never noticed that!
    
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  3. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 2:27 pm ·
    
    Check it out next time you are embarrassed.
    
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  4. Luanne · May 19, 2021 - 6:12 pm ·
    
    Hah, ok!
    
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Princess · May 17, 2021 - 6:29 am ·

Good reminders

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:19 am ·
  
  Thank you, Niyati. Best wishes on your blog. 😁
  
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  1. Princess · May 17, 2021 - 8:03 am ·
    
    Thank you
    
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robertawrites235681907 · May 17, 2021 - 6:31 am ·

I have taken FB notifications of my birthday off, John. I am old enough to prefer not to announce it, and my age, to the whole world. An entertaining post.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:22 am ·
  
  I passed the point of caring about who knows I’m 80 this year. I think when I turned 70, I started to forget about birthdays. *Shakes cane at the whippersnappers.
  
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  1. robertawrites235681907 · May 17, 2021 - 11:40 pm ·
    
    Hahaha. Once you are passed middle age, I am sure it matters less.
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:22 am ·
    
    I think you are right.
    
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GP · May 17, 2021 - 6:39 am ·

When is Tiny’s birthday? I want to ask him how old he is – I keep seeing the big fella at all the spots in history we’ve visited!! 😏

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:26 am ·
  
  I think if you ask Tiny his age, he will think you owe him a present. You know how he is when he doesn’t get his way. Enjoy the helicopter spin, GP. 😁
  
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  1. GP · May 17, 2021 - 1:03 pm ·
    
    You bet! haha
    
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Teri Polen · May 17, 2021 - 7:27 am ·

And we were out celebrating the birthdays of two friends this weekend. Number three is the worst.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 7:29 am ·
  
  Talk about red face. Need plenty of drinks to get by that scene. Thanks, Teri.
  
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kethuprofumo · May 17, 2021 - 7:36 am ·

That’s a bomb. dear John! So true & so sad! Thank you! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 12:06 pm ·
  
  Hahaha. Have to watch those birthdays. 😁
  
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shoreacres · May 17, 2021 - 7:40 am ·

I agree with Jill. Number three is to be avoided at all costs — although the free dessert isn’t a bad deal, especially if they let you choose which you want!

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 12:06 pm ·
  
  I’m with you. A nice molten fudge cake would be super.
  
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Debbie · May 17, 2021 - 9:10 am ·

John, it strikes me as funny that these rules don’t really apply to kids. One regularly hears little ones break #10, 8, and 5! Any why is it they can’t wait to grow up? A little kid is never 5; they’re 5 and a half, or almost 6. Happy Birthday Week to you!

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 12:04 pm ·
  
  Like human nature. Always want what we don’t have. Thanks, Debbie.
  
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D.L. Finn, Author · May 17, 2021 - 9:23 am ·

I believe I’ve broken a few of these, John. I prefer a hike or swimming over a party now:)

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 11:59 am ·
  
  Yes. I agree. I asked for and got a magnolia tree for my birthday. It won’t be delivered until July 6th. It is mammoth.
  
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Susannah Bianchi · May 17, 2021 - 10:18 am ·

I real appreciate all these repostings since, I missed most of them. It’s nice that you do this. More later.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 11:58 am ·
  
  Thank you, Susannah. These also save me about three to four hours on a Sunday. Time I sorely need right now. 😁
  
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  1. Susannah Bianchi · May 17, 2021 - 3:22 pm ·
    
    Yeah but, they’re like your greatest hits.
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:40 pm ·
    
    I could live off them for five years. If I went back to 2013 could even be longer.
    
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  3. Susannah Bianchi · May 18, 2021 - 3:56 am ·
    
    Sounds good to me. 🙂
    
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The Coastal Crone · May 17, 2021 - 1:13 pm ·

Great advice to remember. I hate it when I get asked, “How does it feel to be ….years old?” Have a good one, John, when yours comes this month.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:35 pm ·
  
  Yes it feels great to be 80. (A testimony to big Pharma.)
  
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D. Wallace Peach · May 17, 2021 - 1:22 pm ·

Ha ha. I think I’ve done all of these, except maybe join in the singing. 🙂 When my husband makes dinner arrangements, he always says it’s his birthday (or mine or our anniversary) so he gets a complimentary dessert. Lol

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:36 pm ·
  
  Hahaha. Sounds like a plan.(If it weren’t for all the clapping etc)
  
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  1. D. Wallace Peach · May 17, 2021 - 3:45 pm ·
    
    Yes, that part is a bit ridiculous. 🙂
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 4:30 pm ·
    
    😁
    
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srbottch · May 17, 2021 - 1:26 pm ·

Great tips. I write a story a couple of years ago about bdays. Everything good that happens anywhere on your bday is because of your bday, an international celebration, of sorts. But I like your tips about keeping silent and just let the day pass.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:36 pm ·
  
  Could be good advice. Thanks, Steve.
  
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Jan Sikes · May 17, 2021 - 2:19 pm ·

Lol, John! Great tips! I especially like #1. Avoid that at all costs! 🙂 Happy pre-birthday! 🙂

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:37 pm ·
  
  Thank you, Jan. 😁
  
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Jacqui Murray · May 17, 2021 - 2:20 pm ·

Do the over-70 crowd still celebrate birthdays? Hmm…

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:38 pm ·
  
  I’ll be 80 and the family demands it. 😁
  
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  1. Jacqui Murray · May 17, 2021 - 4:20 pm ·
    
    They must live close to you. Mine are too far away to demand anything other than a phone call!
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 4:26 pm ·
    
    Yes, the youngest lives near. She would miss not celebrating
    
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Andrew Joyce · May 17, 2021 - 3:37 pm ·

Man … I couldn’t agree more with #3. I get the shakes just thinking about the restaurant staff crowding around my table and singing to me while I have that stupid look on my face.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 3:41 pm ·
  
  Hahaha. This would be like throwing Howard Hughes a surprise party.
  
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Dan Antion · May 17, 2021 - 3:52 pm ·

I had to laugh at number 7, John. I suffered through too many potluck roulette meals at work over the course of 31 years. I’m not sure we had an Ebola-infected chef, but we did have a woman who brought squirrel stew.

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 4:30 pm ·
  
  Oh my. I’m not sure I could do squirrel stew. 🤢
  
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  1. Dan Antion · May 17, 2021 - 8:05 pm ·
    
    I couldn’t.
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:17 am ·
    
    hahaha.
    
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2. Liz Gauffreau · May 17, 2021 - 6:00 pm ·
  
  #7 gave me the shudders, too. (Pot lucks violate the 2-hour rule!!)
  
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  1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:15 am ·
    
    Yes indeed. 🤢
    
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noelleg44 · May 17, 2021 - 4:55 pm ·

Good grief, I’ve done almost all of these!

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 5:56 pm ·
  
  Hahaha. Me too.
  
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jilldennison · May 17, 2021 - 5:15 pm ·

B-b-but the used P-p-prius was all I could afford, J-j-john! I was just trying to show I cared! 😥 At least I didn’t fix you a special dinner, though I had considered my famous Leftyover HodgePodge!

Happy Birthday, John!!!!

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1. John W. Howell · May 17, 2021 - 5:56 pm ·
  
  Hahaha. Thanks, Jill.
  
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Liz Gauffreau · May 17, 2021 - 6:02 pm ·

Seems there is consensus for #3 being the worst!!

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1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:16 am ·
  
  Looks that way. 😊
  
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Luanne · May 17, 2021 - 8:25 pm ·

Oh, these are good! Is it your birthday, John? If so, happy birthday! I am a weird one for my birthday. I usually manage to find a way to cry. One time I opened a gift from the gardener and the kids and started to cry. They were traumatized. I loved the gift–it was a rooster cookie jar.

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1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:19 am ·
  
  My birthday is on Saturday. Thank you for the birthday wish. I haven’t cried at a birthday yet but I’m not saying it couldn’t happen. Thanks for sharing Luanne. 😁
  
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  1. Luanne · May 18, 2021 - 12:51 pm ·
    
    I’m less inclined to cry at my birthday lately. I’m more grateful haha. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 2:26 pm ·
    
    That is a good thing then.
    
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petespringerauthor · May 17, 2021 - 9:23 pm ·

I think the only time I wanted a restaurant or bar to know it was my birthday was when I turned 21. There aren’t too many occasions when the drinks are free.

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1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 7:22 am ·
  
  I remember the 21st. Didn’t dare tell the bartender it was my birthday since I had been drinking there for a few months. 😁
  
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Don Massenzio · May 18, 2021 - 6:19 am ·

Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Head over to John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog for another great list. This one is the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

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1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 10:04 am ·
  
  Thank you, Don.
  
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  1. Don Massenzio · May 18, 2021 - 1:25 pm ·
    
    You’re welcome.
    
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Sorryless · May 18, 2021 - 9:08 am ·

Never tell the restaurant is a rule I follow closely. Great tips Boss.

This list reminds me of a Marv Albert story. Albert is retiring after fifty years as a HOF broadcaster. He used to prank his friends by telling the restaurant it was their birthday, so they would send out a cake and everybody would serenade the birthday person. Only thing was, it wasn’t their birthday.

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1. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 9:53 am ·
  
  A good one. I think that would be fun to do. 😁
  
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  1. Sorryless · May 18, 2021 - 10:17 am ·
    
    I think I’ll pull that one on my sister.
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 18, 2021 - 2:32 pm ·
    
    I think that would be a great idea. Let me know how it works out.
    
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  3. Sorryless · May 19, 2021 - 8:06 am ·
    
    I will 😉
    
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Ajaykumar Katageri · May 19, 2021 - 9:02 am ·

Why not break the 3rd rule for a free cake? (Boss won’t be there around all the time)

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1. John W. Howell · May 19, 2021 - 9:46 am ·
  
  Always up to the indivdual. Thanks, Ajay.
  
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Baydreamer · May 19, 2021 - 11:01 am ·

Hmm…why do most of these sound familiar? 🙂 #3..been there, done that, only someone else spills the beans. A free dessert is worth it, kind of, maybe not. :O
Thanks for the reminders, John!

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1. John W. Howell · May 19, 2021 - 11:04 am ·
  
  It is worth it if you get to pick it. Most times not. Thanks, Lauren.
  
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  1. Baydreamer · May 19, 2021 - 11:06 am ·
    
    Good point. After all, if it’s our birthday, we should get to choose, right? I’m going to remember this post next March. 🙂
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 19, 2021 - 11:07 am ·
    
    Yes. Put it on the fridge. 😊
    
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  3. Baydreamer · May 19, 2021 - 11:07 am ·
    
    Done! 😁🍰
    
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  4. John W. Howell · May 19, 2021 - 3:00 pm ·
    
    😁
    
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lovablevidushi1403 · May 20, 2021 - 10:34 am ·

Loved these tips. Very well written.

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Dale · May 20, 2021 - 10:34 am ·

I was sure I had commented on this one! Sheesh… and I’m not the one having a birthday very soon like some people… 😉

The singing in the restaurant has to be the worst!

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1. John W. Howell · May 20, 2021 - 11:54 am ·
  
  Yes, like some 80 year olds. Thanks, Dale.
  
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  1. Dale · May 20, 2021 - 12:20 pm ·
    
    Yep. A special one comes to mind… I do believe it is in two days…
    
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Top Ten Things Not to Do When it’s Your Birthday – Eduardo Silva✓ · May 20, 2021 - 10:43 am ·

[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do When it’s Your Birthday […]

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Curios-xp · May 22, 2021 - 1:33 am ·

Hehe😄 nice things ❤

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1. John W. Howell · May 22, 2021 - 7:44 am ·
  
  Thank you, Samad. 😊
  
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Jennie · May 23, 2021 - 6:47 am ·

Singing in a restaurant is worse than singing in the classroom. Happy birthday, John. I join you adding another year this month.

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1. John W. Howell · May 23, 2021 - 9:24 am ·
  
  Happy Birthday. May has the best birthdays or the best people having birthdays.
  
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  1. Jennie · May 23, 2021 - 9:59 am ·
    
    Yup! 🙂
    
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  2. John W. Howell · May 23, 2021 - 2:43 pm ·
    
    😁
    
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Ankur Mithal · May 23, 2021 - 8:50 am ·

I can confidently say I am not guilty of no. 1. The rest…well, we live and learn. And sometimes we don’t 😦

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1. John W. Howell · May 23, 2021 - 2:47 pm ·
  
  So true. 😁
  
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Eni Greatman · May 24, 2021 - 1:26 pm ·

Guilty as charged. Hahaha… I find it hard not to tell “everyone with ears” the count down to my birthday.

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1. John W. Howell · May 24, 2021 - 1:27 pm ·
  
  Yes would be a good idea except in a restaurant. Thanks, Eni.
  
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markbierman · May 24, 2021 - 4:07 pm ·

Yes, the good old ‘potluck roulette’ nothing like finding a bit of non-bovine DNA in the meatballs.

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1. John W. Howell · May 24, 2021 - 5:27 pm ·
  
  Hahahaha. Like snake DNA?
  
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  1. markbierman · May 24, 2021 - 6:00 pm ·
    
    Maybe…
    
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~Lu-Ser~ · May 25, 2021 - 4:07 pm ·

The birthday club and the restaurant crew cracked me up😂😂it’s kinda cute though

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1. John W. Howell · May 25, 2021 - 5:17 pm ·
  
  Glad you liked it.
  
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kendorphin · May 26, 2021 - 2:53 am ·

Hilarious! Birthdays are interesting days for sure!!

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1. John W. Howell · May 26, 2021 - 6:50 am ·
  
  Nice thing is they only come once a year. 😁
  
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