Unsplash photo by Vasily Koloda
This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. Although COVID has replaced physical ceremonies with virtual, it still seems relevant.
The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time
10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers.
9 If you are a graduate parent, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.
8 If you are a speaker at graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.
7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.
6 If your family is experiencing graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child asks to move into your spare room.
5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.
4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will look for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses
3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced, and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.
2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the school colors and jersey and that giant foam # 1 hand. At worst, you will get many interested police and firefighters responding to the school complaint regarding the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.
1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.
Fiction Favorites 
These are great, John! Happy Monday!
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Thank you, Jill. Have a great start to the week. 😁
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“I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” #7 probably scarred Marshawn Lynch for life.
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I’m sure it did. Gotta admit he was/is one heck of a player.
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I still shake my head wondering why they didn’t give him the ball on those last plays before throwing an interception in the SB.
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I know, right? Might have been a coach’s way of trying to exercise control. Didn’t work
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Your list has some very good advice. I would add one more, do not bring your pet dog. Cute, yes. Barking, yes. Therefore, the cute dog quickly became “not so cute.”
The outdoor ceremony was at a small private high school of 10 graduates.
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Yes. A barking dog is not a ceremony enhancement. Thanks, Karen.
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These are all spot-on!
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Thank you, Liz. 😁
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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Good stuff. Maybe all that tailgating helped get the fast food career in motion.
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I’m sure it helped. 😊
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All good advice. Especially #5.
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Thank you, Charles.
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As a retired educator, I’ve attended countless graduations and your points are more real than fantasy. Good job, John. 😁 But … I still love the pomp and circumstance.
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I enjoyed my graduations for sure. Thank you, Gwen
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Can’t say I’m sad those days are behind me!
We had a gym teacher who gave a speech at the end (since it was also the end of his time at our our school, gave himself some permisisions…) He thanked the parents who, at one point, around 18 years ago had fogotten their contraceptive methods resulting in these wonderful kids he was able to teach.
We were talking about it the other day and he was awfully glad that back then, there were no cell phones and no danger of going viral 😉
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He would have been vilified today.
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No kidding!!
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We got married on Saturday and the next day we attended my new wife’s (no, I never had an old wife prior to her) college graduation. Famed economist Milton Friedman was the speaker. The big smile on my face during his speech had nothing to do with his words of supply side economics, if I even heard them. I’m still laughing at your 10 points and your creative thinking. Great post, John. By the way, that was 53 yrs ago and we’re still at it, ‘smiling’, that is. 😉
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Listening to Milton Friedman on my honey moon would be lost lesson in economics. Thanks for sharing, Steve. Keep on smiling.
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Man, the ceremony really doesn’t prepare you for the next chapter at all, does it?
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Not at all.
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Great tips, John! I look forward to graduations with my grandchildren!
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Yes that will be fun.
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Great list, John! It’s hard to believe graduations are behind us now. Time sure does fly. 😁
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It does. All the kids are out of school so only the grandkids college graduations to go.
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Fun and timely list, John 🙂 i might have broken a couple over the years. I get to attend a kindergarten graduation Thursday.
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How fun. I didn’t know they had kindergarten graduations. All the best.
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Preschool graduations too. My next one is 8th grade graduation:)
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Oh my.
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haha, I like # 9. Do you think Tiny would have a hangover? I’ll willingly buy a tuba for the occasion!!
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I hope you plan to wear that tuba for a while. Tiny with a hangover is very unpredictable.
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It would already be wrapped around me – that’s why I chose it! 😉
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🤣 You are right. It would be a little tighter is all.
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ouch ~~~
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Excuse me sir but that tuba mouthpiece doesn’t belong there.
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Oops, hadn’t thought about that. Tiny is quite capable of putting it there too!! 😲
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Hahahaha.
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These are great and so true! I think you hit the nail on the head with these, John. Thanks for the memories! Lol.
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Thank you for reading, Diana
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Six is mine!!! Yes, so true! My kids are in their 30s, but I still parent all the time! (and not just cats)
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Kids are always kids.
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Hah so true
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Great list, John … and quite timely, too. I’ve probably been to enough graduations now that I’ve actually seen many of these no-nos in person, ha!
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Me too, Debbie. Thanks for reading. 😁
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Great list, John! And you’re right, it’s still very relevant today. 🙂
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I love and so appreciate how you’re reblogging these essays since, I’ve read none of them. They’re always so clever and fleshed out, your writer in full sail. 🙂
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Aw. Thank you, Susannah. 😁
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You’re welcome John. Always a pleasure.
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#6 – so very true.
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😁
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Love this list, John! How timely is number 10. It amazes me how, after all these years with social media, people are still surprised when their silly behavior goes viral 😉
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I know right? Thanks, Marie.
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All great tips, John!
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Thank you, Joan.
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Btw i got graduated this, last year🌹😄
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Congratulations. 🥂
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Graduation ceremonies used to fairly dignified affairs. Now, the over/under is about five minutes before one of the graduates does something cringeworthy.
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So true. 😁 Thanks, Pete.
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[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation time […]
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Thank you for sharing my post today.
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I’m glad I have a number of years to go before the Grandsons graduate. Fun list, John!
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It is fun though.
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Head over to the Fiction Favorites blog where author John Howell has put out a timely list titled: The TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT GRADUATION TIME
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Thank you fro sharing, Don.
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I particularly like the one “do not think your parenting is over” – so darned true.
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Yes it is.
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So funny yet…. helpful! #1 made me laugh out loud.
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Thank you, Pamela. I’m glad you got a laugh.
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Nice image
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Thank you. 😊
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Send this to recent college grads I am sure they will thank you for it haha good post !
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Good idea. Thank you. 😁
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This was really funny, John. Thanks for the laughs!
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Always welcome, Jennie. 😊
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😀
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All valid and funny points, John. My oldest is graduating (grade 8), but the ceremony has been moved to August in hopes of the receding COVID restrictions.
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Probabily a good idea.
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2015 was it? I suppose some things don’t change. Did you say graduation? I suppose nothing changes.
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Never.
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At Harvard’s graduation ceremonies, a student delivers — in Latin and from memory — an address to an assemblage of approximately 32,000. How do you spell “the epitome of pomposity?”
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A-s-s-h-a-t
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Yeah … what’s the use of giving a speech if no one can understand it? Well, I mean present company excepted.
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Of course.
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Have seen an abundance of violations of #10. {head shaking}. All too often, youthful indiscretions are a stupid waste on the young. 😇
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Very true. Indiscretions should be reserved for the old.
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Darn tootin!
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😊
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