This post originally ran on June 15th 2015. It still appears to hold some water today.
Unsplash photo by Sandy Millar
Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding, or married. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)
10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.
9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best, you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).
8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best, people will assume the only reason you are at the wedding party is that you are family. (Whether you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassé to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.
7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments, including a detailed description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best, the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.
6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best, the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.
5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best, you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct, but hope are close to the real thing. (hint they’re not)
4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best, you will be able to substitute for the few things that you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.
3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best, you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. ( Better keep playing).
2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be any problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best, your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled, “Get some tar and feathers.”
1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best, you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent, and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course, you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw, that’s not right.)
Fiction Favorites 
Excellent, John. The last one had me in stiches.
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I’m glad you liked the post. Obviously the last one was a bit of fancy. 😁
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These are hilarious, John!🤣
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Thak you, Jill. 😊
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I see you’ve attended a wedding or two in your time. 😀 😀 😀
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Yes, I have, Liz. Including three of my own. 😁
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Ah, I see! 🙂
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Uh-huh.
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Where was this advice before my daughter’s wedding last month? lol
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Hahaha. Thanks, Staci
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Nice list. All of these mistakes would make excellent YouTube videos.
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They would. 😁
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I should frame this. Looks like we may have a wedding coming up next spring or early summer.
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Congratulations are in order?
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You are a wedding professional, Sheriff . . no doubt about it.
As far as clearing the deck at the reception, cop weddings are most problematic. They leave when the alcohol is all gone and really, who’s going to tell them different?
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Know right. If the alcohol is not gone neither are they.
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Nope.
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Excellent advice, John! I especially like #9. Probably best to hold one’s tongue, right?
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That is usually a good thing to do. Thanks, Debbie.
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Having served at weddings (both bar and meal), I can attest to the lack of tips! A bit at the bar… zero at the tables!
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I always tipped. Even at my own
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Absolutely! But lemme tell you… those invited to an open bar? Not all know proper etiquette.
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They think free is free.
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Yep. Cheap bastards.
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Yeah.😁
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😉
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Lol, John! Great tips! 🙂
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Thank you, Jan
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Number 0: If you are a groom, just DON’T forget where your wedding takes place.😁
Excellent sushi set, dear John!
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Number -0 If you are the Bride don’t forget who you are going home with after the wedding. Thanks, Maria 😁
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Number – – 0…And don’t lose the keys from this house! 😂😂😂
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– – -0 If you do lose the keys hope for a dog house.
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😁😁😁 without dogs!
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Or at least those that have had a bath. 🤣
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Is Tiny planning on getting married? ’cause I SO want to get an invite for THAT one!!!!!
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You are going to be IN the wedding, GP. Not sure what role you will be playing but I know Tiny is counting on it.
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The voice of experience! DO NOT BRING KIDS!
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Yes indeed.
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These are hilarious, John!
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Thank you, Joan. 😁
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Good practice for point of view!
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Yes indeed.
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Good list, John. I particularly liked the part about “a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).”
I didn’t get a notification for this post. I need to see if that’s WordPress or Google messing with me.
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I hope the non-notification stuff stops.
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Weddings are always good for a few head-shaking moments from some of the participants. You got most of them, John.
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Thank you, Pete.
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out another great list from John Howell via his Fiction Favorites blog with the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT A WEDDING
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Thank you, Don.
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I especially like number 4. When I was a kid back in the ice age, there was a place called Mary Journey’s Inn where everyone got married. Italians, Jews, Wasps, everybody and they were all the same. Cookie-cutter receptions they were called. A 6 tiered banana cake we all took home in napkins. The same band played, More and Love is a Splendid Thing. You made me think of that. 🙂
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It makes me happy when something I’ve written brings up a memory. Thanks for sharing this one. I can almost smell the banana cake with vanilla frosting.
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it’s still a favorite of mine. Can you imagine?
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I can.
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These are some solid guidelines right here, John.
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Yup. Spent a lot of research time on these.
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[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wedding […]
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Thank you for sharing my post.
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These are great, John. Loved #5! 🙂
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Thank you, lauren. 😁
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Lol! These are great, John. After reading #3 I’ve come to appreciate D.J’s that much more. Another good one is not to stick your finger in the wedding cake, to see if it’s real or not. My drunk cousin actually did that. 🙂
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I hope they sent him home with the whole layer. Who knows where that finger has been. 😁
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True.
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“Best Person?” Man, am I behind the times!
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I think so. 🤣
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