Photo by Євгенія Височина on Unsplash
This list was originally posted on December 7th, 2015. Except for the fact that eighty-plus years have witnessed the holidays, all else seems relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
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This list is inspired by watching seventy-plus Holidays come with mixed results on gifting, both giving and receiving.
Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year
10 This year, do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best, it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure, it looked good in the catalog, didn’t it?
9 This year, do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best, the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t get that recall notice, did you?)
8 This year, do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best, the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)
7 This year, do not give frozen mail-order steaks. If you do, at best, the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Year while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town, did they?)
6 This year, do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best, whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you select arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well, did they?)
5 This year, do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best, the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipient’s lawyer talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it, right?)
4 This year, do not give a box of chocolate-covered cherries. If you do, at best, they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient is admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)
3 This year, do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst, the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)
2 This year, do not give anything that is designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best, you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you choose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show, or are you just an idiot?)
1 This year, do not give anything you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best, you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)
Fiction Favorites 
I do happen to appreciate anything fruit related that doesn’t come in brick form (read cake), seeing as how it helps me fit into my worn under garb . . .
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That stretch band on the undergarb helps but you are right. Gotta hit the fruits and veggies.
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Yeah, it might hide the truth but we still know 😉
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😁
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Great list, John! After Covid, personal grooming devices could make a comeback this year.
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I think you may be on to something. Thanks, Jill. 😁
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This is a good list, John. I would extend #2 to under / over. I once bought the Ex a winter coat. The saleswoman talked me into a larger size (It has a slender cut). That was bad enough. When it was still too small, Christmas was pretty much ruined. I would have been better off with a fruitcake.
I didn’t see a bourbon on the list. I assume that’s a safe gift.
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Hahaha Bourbon is always a safe gift. (at least around here) I can identify with your coat story. 😁
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Most expensive worst gift ever.
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I’ll bet
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This Top Ten made me laugh out loud. With all the divisiveness in the world, we might as well add fruitcake to the list. Of course, the likers wouldn’t have to wear a mask, but Social Media could come up with some kind of nonsense to marginalize. 😂 Great job, John.
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We could build a political party out of anti-fruitcakers. Big demonstrations etc. Have a super day, Gwen
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But #1 can lead to such interesting conversations. 😁
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“Honest this is a collector’s edition of Beef Jerky.” You are right. It could be interesting.
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Limited edition cold cuts!
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😁
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Yeah, that fruitcake is the worst. It’s so maligned I almost wonder why it’s still being made/manufactured.
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Me too, Liz. I can’t imagine why.
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Liz, if anyone gives you a fruitcake this year – send it MY way!!
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😁
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So, you’re the guy who keeps the fruitcake industry alive??
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😁
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Fruitcake has gotten a bad rap from that one that is probably still making the rounds around the world as a re-gift!! 😂 But, you’re probably right, Liz. This time of year I do eat a lot of it, especially since I have a number of failed attempts at baking it myself! 🤥🤒
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The failures sound like they work out anyway, GP. 😁
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Ha ha ha!! You will concede that it’s an acquired taste, though?
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Of course! We’re not talking chocolate cake or ice cream here!
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😁
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That’s for sure!
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You hit a lot on my ‘worst gift’ category. My grandmother used to make fruit cake – that dried candied fruit was never a good idea. Who invented it and why add colorful dyes to the fruit?
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Not sure about the dye but it is hideous for sure.
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🙂 If you smell something burning, that’s the burnt synapses in my old brain as I try to finalize my Christmas shopping list.
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Understood.
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OMG, I have done all these things at one time or another. My mother-in-law made her own fruitcakes, which were HUGE, and even giving away tiny slices on a plate with cookies never seemed to get rid of all of it. And it lasted, and lasted…
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Doorstop material
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Sounds a lot like my gift giving experience. What happened to #9?
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Interesting. There was a malfunction somehow. Where ever there was a contraction it duplicated it. A missing nine was a matter of nine being carried up to 10. Thanks, Craig. This was a mess. I’m surprised no one mentioned it.
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Mine looks fine, John.
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Thanks GP. I fixed it after Craig spotted the missing number 9
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I’m guilty of doing all these. I hope to do better this year!
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Rais your right hand and promise. 😁
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LOL! 😂
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😁
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Oh dear, what a timely list, John. I’m having trouble making a “want list” for myself, as well as for gift-giving this year. Add the problems over the supply chain, costs for everything going up, and a lingering malaise over this COVID plague, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find a dozen fruitcakes at my front door … all from folks who received them last year and are eagerly sharing!!
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Hahaha. I could not imagine how you would get rid of a dozen fruitcakes.
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Lol, John! Great list! I agree with you and Dan. Bourbon is always a safe gift! 🙂
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Yes. Indeed.
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Oh dear, fruit cake! I once saw a cartoon which said there were actually 4 wise men but one was turned away as he brought fruit cake! I never know whether to regift or throw it away when I get one. Not even the dogs like it.
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Problem with a regift is the person you give it to now thinks you’re an idiot. Best put it out in the trash.
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All sound advice, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise.
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Good ones! 🎄 Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays, John!
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Thank you, Bette. The very same wish to you. 😁
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Not to show off over here… but MY fruitcake is actually rather well-received. Of course, it is not anything close to the year-old stuff in stores and does not contain those fluorescent “cherries” either… 😉
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I’ll bet it is good.
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I can’t stand regular fruitcake but like mine, so there is that 😉
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😁
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I should have read this before I spend hours baking my Christmas cakes gifts, John.
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I’m sure yours are delicious.
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You may have posted this 6 years ago, but it is still right-on today! All I want for Christmas is a fruitcake!! (perhaps one with a little rum in it?) 🥳
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Rum is a good thing in fruitcake.
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Always a hard pass on fruitcake and chocolate covered cherries. I prefer my chocolate straight up.
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Me too. Thanks, Teri.
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Ah, the dreaded fruitcake. Can’t remember who, but someone used to give my Mom and Dad one every year. (They were never eaten!)
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Hahaha. Door stop.
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Does anyone actually like fruitcake? I’ve never met anyone who does. I put that in the same category of foods I don’t understand that are still here, like candy corn at Halloween.
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Or whipped squash.
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Oh, what a fun, dear John! 😂😁😂 What about socks? It is one of the most popular gift for men here in Russia. 🧦 The Soviet tradition has plenty of wierd gift ideas.
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Yes, socks are perfect for men. (Maybe with a bottle of Tsarskaya vodka tucked inside) Just don’t try to give them to a woman if you are a man.
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You put this list together in 2015. It’s funny how things never change. Also, I see a lot of hatred in the comments for the poor, maligned fruitcake. In its day — before air-conditioning — the fruitcake served a noble purpose. In those days we all needed a doorstop.
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Yes and the same cake still serves that purpose when the turkey gets burned.
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[…] Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year […]
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Great list, John! #10 made me laugh and nod because I don’t like fruitcakes. But #4, well, I love chocolate covered cherries. 🙂
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One out of two isn’t bad. Thanks, Lauren.
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Spot on, John, and so funny!
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Thank you, Jennie.
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You’re welcome, John.
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Chocolate covered cherries- yuck! Some great advice John.
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Thank you, Mark. 😊
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