This list was originally posted on June 6th, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list is some men-only ski trips I have taken to Lake Tahoe. Some of the items in this list are a result of observation. There is at least one in which I participated. I’ll let you decide which one it is. I also wanted to make this list while the memory of snow is good.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men Only Weekend Trip.
10 If you are on a men’s trip, do not volunteer to cook anything. If you do, at best, you will be relieved after the first meal. At worst, the group will love what you do, and you’ll spend the rest of the trip chained to the six-burner stove. (You always wanted someone to praise your food but not this much, huh, chump?)
9 If you are on a men’s trip, do not take your time to enter the house when you get there. If you do, at best, you’ll have the last pick of sleeping accommodations. At worst, the final selection will be the swing on the three-season porch, and the three seasons have passed. (Yes, that is snow on your shoulder this morning.)
8 If you are on a men’s trip, do not wear your at-home sleeping attire. If you do, at best, that hole-filled T-shirt will be the talk of the group long after the trip is over. At worst, pictures will be taken and go viral. (Pretty hard to explain no bottoms, isn’t it?)
7 If you are on a men’s trip, do not slip and fall headfirst into the hot tub while holding onto a pastrami sandwich. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to get rid of the sandwich before it hits the filter. At worst, the damage deposit will be entirely consumed by replacing the filter. (Guess who’s going to pay the whole thing?)
6 If you are on a men’s trip, do not decide to gamble unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best, you will lose early and quit. At worst, you will win early and then continue until you are cleaned out. (Sure, the casino accepts American Express)
5 If you are on a men’s trip, do not try to convert anyone to your vegan principles. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, your fellow travelers will keep their distance, hoping they don’t catch whatever you have. (The explanation of the virtues of the vegan lifestyle might be better if your audience is sober)
4 If you are on a men’s trip, do not forget the effects of high altitude on liquor consumption. If you do, at best, you might just pass out. At worst, you will spend the night using the ceramic microphone to call trains to places like Pittsburgh. (Amazing how long the detox process takes, huh, Bunky?)
3 If you are on a men’s trip, do not think the whole group wants to go with you to visit the place you were married. If you do, at best, you’ll go alone. At worst, those who go with you will think they have wasted their time and demand you pay for drinks. (Okay, I confess. This one is mine. The Producer and I married at Lake Tahoe, and I did convince some to visit the spot with me. Yes, I bought the drinks after.)
2 If you go on a men’s trip, do not think you must use all the drink coupons on the journey to the destination. If you do, at best, you will still be flying when you land. At worst, you’ll have to face the trip home without any fortification and in the center row between two members of the University wrestling team. (Maybe more air would help, but you can’t raise your arms trapped by the incredible hulks on each side.)
1 If you go on a man’s trip, do not forget a souvenir for the folks back home. If you fail, at best, you have just had your last men’s trip. At worst, the memory token will be chosen for you and will cost a little more than what you would have spent. (No, two ticket stubs from a casino show will not do.)