Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash
This post was published on November 21, 2016. Still good advice if you are a writer.
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The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all my mistakes while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe some. I hope you enjoy it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer
10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best, the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name, either. They will find you)
9 If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best, you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one, Buford?)
8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best, your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better, huh, Clyde?)
7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best, they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)
6 If you are a writer, do not think your life will end when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best, your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is unavailable.)
5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about entertainment, did you, Ernest?)
4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best, you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock, huh?)
3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best, those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)
2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best, you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right, Bunkie?)
1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best, the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny, the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)
Fiction Favorites 
All good advice. #8 is why I always bring a notebook along. That seems to keep them at bay.
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That will work for sure.
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Good advice. I will remember it should I ever manage to write the novel that manifested itself in my head.
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From head to hands is what is needed. Thanks, Rabirius.
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Teeheehe! Great advice, John 💕🙂
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Thank you, Harmony.
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My only point of disagreement is number five: I find that my characters are so much better at it than I am, so giving them their head probably results in a better story (except when they take it into their heads to directly challenge me, of course).
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I can see the revolution forming up now. Put all the sharp stuff under lock and key.
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Sharp stuff? I usually try to be perfectly blunt 🤓
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Just the same I would hide the hardware.
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Safe in the cloud, John. And if there’s one thing we’re not short of on these islands, it’s clouds ☁️ ⛅️ 🌧 😁
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😊
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Seems about right. Early retirement does not seem to be happening based upon my royalties.
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Yes. I had the same situation. Age finally dictated the move not wealth.
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I think #10 should be a requirement for all writers. Furry friends and kids will never be harmed in my books. If I had to rely on my royalties for retirement, I’d probably curl into a fetal position in a corner somewhere.
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I would have to give up food and water. 😁
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Uh oh. Does someone age 13 still count as a child?
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Teen? Not so much.
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Whew!
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Not sure teens are even people.
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Heh heh.
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Great advice. Maybe that’s why my dream of writing a children’s book remains a dream.
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Maybe someday, Lauren. 😊
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#1 is hilarious.
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Glad you liked it, Bonnie. 😁
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I’m a reviewer but no martial arts experience lol.
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You can still kick though. 😁
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All are sound advice, John. Adherence to these will still not ensure a writer’s physical and mental health, but these are a heck of a start towards at least keeping the impact of periodic writing agony to a minimum.
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Or raise the level of agony. Who knows. Thanks, Bruce.
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Good advice, John. 🙂
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Thanks, Tim.
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Too funny…and too close to the truth. 😄 Have a great day, John.
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You as well, Gwen.
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Great advice. My favorite is not to be in a hurry to publish. Yes yes yes.
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Yeah that has all kinds of problems connected with it.
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Oooh, TIny’s back — I love him!! Great advice, John. I probably need to print this one out and keep it near my computer, just in case I ever decide to write another book, ha!
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Good idea, Debbie.😁 You’ll be writing another.
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I hope you’re right. If Monkey has any say in it, I won’t — he’d rather me serve as entertainment chairman around here, ha!
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I can understand. A few more years until he’s fully content.
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Ah, yes, time for ideas, story structure, and characters to simmer! Thanks for the encouragement, John.
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Yup. 😁
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So funny, John. I could relate to all of these!
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Yes indeed. I think we all can. Thanks, Diana.
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Very good advice, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise. 😊
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I remember this list and yes, it is still applicable, especially #2! 🙂 Good one, John!
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Thank you, Jan
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A great list, John! #7 made me chuckle. I’ve had this happen a few times!
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I have too. I had one guy tell me I should write his autobiography. He got the hint when gin came flying out of my nose while trying to stifle a belly laugh.
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Oh my word, that’s fantastic!!!
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“If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story.” Screw the kid! You better not kill a dog. You ever notice how you can watch a movie where 1,009 human beings are killed (all of ’em men) and not care, but if a dog is harmed, you walk out of the theater feeling really bad?
Been off-planet for a few weeks. Saved all your Top Ten Lists. Will get to them as soon as I decompress, or sober up … whatever comes first.
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I have been wondering about you. Figured you had a project going on. Yeah don’t get sober. Not a good state to be in these days. Glad you are back.
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How intuitive of you. A project, yes. But not my own. The last time I disappeared on you, I was writing “Mahoney.”
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And what a terrific story that was. 😁
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This is one of those evergreen lists, John. Never goes out of fashion 🙂
Hands down #7 and #9 are why I don’t (i.e., no longer) talk to family, friends, or strangers about my writing. Not unless they are writers as well 😉
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Yes. It is always a rue awakening to discuss with family and then they look at you like you have two heads. Thanks, Marie.
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I think I’m OK, here, John. Well, maybe with the exception of number 5, at least in a few places. I hope you have a wonderful week.
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You as well
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It took me a while to figure this out, but I will no longer send my manuscript to family members and friends. That’s led to many disappointments in terms of people not getting back to me in a reasonable time. That leaves a writer in an awkward position because none of us want to become pests, but we want to keep the process moving forward. I’ve realized it’s not fair to put them in that position either
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LOL! This was great, John!
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Glad you liked it, Jill. 😁
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Great list, John. #7 in particular.
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Speaking as the wife of a newly retired husband, I can attest to #2 being pretty much on target! I’m practicing on learning to love all kinds of soup, and crossing my fingers that allergies won’t be involved!
Great list, John!!! I’ll be smiling all day! 😁😊😁
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Well at least there is soup. Best have hubby try it first. I like that sweater with the hole in it too. You get that at Bloomies?
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😂😂😂
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Funny stuff and still relevant.
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Thank you, Thomas
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I am (used to be) guilty of #9. I laughed my head off at #10… no one would really do that? Thanks, John. You know how much I enjoy your Top Ten.
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I do and thank you.
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😀
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[…] Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer […]
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Thanks for sharing my post, Madi.
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😂😂😂 All is true, dear John. I wonder how little the writer’s world changes…if it ever does.🍺🍺🍺🦐🦐🦐
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I don’t think it does, Maria. 🥂 🍰
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Ummm…. excuse me, sir? Did YOU not break rule number 10? Just saying 😉
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Well……yes but she lives on in spirit.
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Uh huh… nice loophole. 😉
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Hee hee hee.
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😀
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😊
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I think writers would do well to have a rehearsed and ready response for “And I am the Queen of England” or equivalent depending on the location, which they are likely to get when they say “I am a writer.”
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Good idea. What comes to mind is “Funny you don’t smell like the Queen of England.”
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Where?
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🤭
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I have broken most of those rules including the ‘don’t kill a pet one’ and lived to tell the tale. I do observe the ‘don’t argue with reviewers’ one though. Even I am not a big enough rule breaker to go there.
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Yes that is a one way slide to disaster. Thanks for the comment.My maternal Grandparents were Scots. Beautiful country.
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