Photo by David Menidrey on Unsplash
This post was published on October 31st, 2016. At last, Halloween falls on a Monday, so I can post it again. I hope you like it, and Happy Halloween to you.
* * *
I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween
10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best, you will be marked as a cheapskate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a professional crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well, did it, Rube?)
9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best, you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)
8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches, not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)
7 On Halloween, do not hand out homemade anything. If you do, at best, it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will act on a complaint and insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks terrible in the light, Bunkie.)
6 On Halloween, do not make the trick-or-treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best, you’ll get blank stares. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids, and he will insist that you dance or get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)
5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best, you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most trick-or-treaters will be polite, but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool, isn’t it?)
4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick-or-treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best, they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong, and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. Surprisingly, the five-year-olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid, right?)
3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to ensure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it, Beauford?)
2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best, the goodies will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick-or-treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)
1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best, you will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were the cause of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book, Bevis. At the scary part, you could have put it down.)
Fiction Favorites 
Ah yes… I fear I shall be the lights off, nobody home meanie! Plus my doorbell doesn’t work, so there’s that 😉 I do miss those days, though,.
Happy Hallowe’en to you and your crew!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you, Dale. Stay low. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, I will… trust me 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahem. I am one of the lights off brigade as well.
LikeLiked by 2 people
🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Halloween is not what it used to be…not many things are. Loved #10, which is what I will do. I love horror movies! No kids in our senior neighborhood so I will not be disturbed.
Happy Halloween, John.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Karen. In some ways the quiet is a good thing.
LikeLike
I confess … years ago I ran out of candy. It was an error I’ve never repeated. I had to hide in my own home and hope for the best. Since that fateful experience, I over-prepare and donate the excess to food banks. Great list, John! 🦇🎃🦇
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you, Gwen. I’m glad you liked it. The one about scaring the kids I own. I had rigged up this ghoulish laugh every time I opened the door. So when the Trick-or- Treater’s showed up I would throw open the door. Had some pretty wide eyes and hair stands plus a few run off the porch incidents.
LikeLike
Poor kids! 🎃 I can totally envision you doing that! I bet they still talk about your stunt today. LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would hope so. Thanks, Gwen 🎃
LikeLike
When I lived in Florida, I ran out of candy the first year, and I had to flee out the back door and drive to my office. (I did okay with the kids on foot, but then I started getting truckloads of kids from who-knew-where.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha h ha. I can just imagine you running.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m home alone this Halloween so I might lay off the scary movies, Lols 😂. Great list, John! Have a wonderful week 💕🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you can’t resist at least check the doors. Happy Halloween, Harmony. 🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
🎃😂💖🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hate it when people do #6. My son didn’t prepare a skit and wants to get to as many houses as possible before it’s too dark.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In my day almost every house asked for some kind of act. Very annoying.
LikeLike
That has to suck.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yup.
LikeLike
Loved the list, John. Another terrible idea is passing out fruit. There was always that house that had apples and raisins.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We always avoided that house. 😁 Thanks, Michele.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I’ll post these in the kitchen and beside the door this year.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha ha ha. I would keep the bear trap in the garage too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good advice, John.
https://pacificparatrooper.files.wordpress.com/2022/10/happy-halloween-animated-images-15.webp
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, GP. Happy Halloween. 🎃
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good advice, John. Happy Halloween!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Joan. Happy Halloween to you. 🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great list, John! I’d add don’t cut holes in your mother’s best sheets. Happy Halloween!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a good one, Jill
LikeLike
Good to see Tiny’s progeny carrying on the family tradition.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. I had forgotten about Tiny Jr.
LikeLiked by 1 person
John, I hope no one does #2 on my porch. I may have mis-read this.
But that aside, I really did like your list. We are guilty of a few.
We don’t get any kids in our senior neighborhood so we go to my sons for the fun with grand kids. I enjoy the spirits at his house too
Happy Halloween !!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds fun too. 🎃
LikeLike
The only one of these I’ll be violating is #1. Can’t have Halloween without some kind of horror movie!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I can see that in your case.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear John
Oh dear, we will be at home tonight. But we’ll survive it – just 😉 Thanks for your list. Now we know what not to do.
Wishing you Happy Halloween
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed it. 🎃 Happy Halloween
LikeLike
Great list John. I am guilty of doing #8. Each year I dress up in my giant squirrel costume and run around the yard. Surprisingly it scares the heck out of little kids to the point of tears. The older kids usually punch or kick me (that’s why I run around the yard). My next-door neighbor brings out his be-be gun and pretends to be shooting at me. Great lesson for the kids.
Happy Halloween!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know this all to be true
LikeLiked by 1 person
I saw the photo.
LikeLike
Sounds fun, Dan. Happy Halloween 🎃
LikeLike
Lol, John! I love all of these. We tried the honor system one year and yep, ran out before sundown. 🙂 Happy Halloween!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Candy and honor are opposites.
LikeLike
Haha. Great advice, John. Happy Halloween hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Teagan. 🎃 Happy Halloween to you.
LikeLike
This is all sound advice for a holiday when not everyone is of sound mind. Happy Halloween, John!🎃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. You make a good point, Bruce.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good ones, John! I have to be disciplined so I don’t eat too much candy before trick-or-treating starts tonight. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. You must be strong
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great advice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was very popular the year I made candy apples – I had every kid in a five-block area at my door. But that clearly had to stop.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Clearly. 😁
LikeLike
LOLOL!!!!
I’m taking all of your advice!
Happy Hallowe’en, John.
One night only every year:
🎃 = hugs
👸🏻 = kisses
🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻 🎃👸🏻
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Resa.
🐨= hugs
🤴🏻 = Kisses
🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻🐨🤴🏻
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awwww!!!
You are adorable!!!!!!!
💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋
LikeLike
Sorry, Trick or Treaters, but Monkey and I will be hunkered down with the porch light OFF. I don’t even want to consider what this poor pup would do if he saw strange kids in costumes on his front porch begging for candy!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. I don’t blame you a bit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha, very cute! We don’t get trick or treaters here. I miss it because I used to love Halloween. It was very special to give out candy dressed in my witch’s costume.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That does sound fun.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would never hide in the dark on Halloween night, mostly because I would never have the lights out on Halloween night. As for the honor system or free drinks? No way Joe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I remember one of our neighbors with a sense of humor giving out baked potatoes for Halloween.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. I love that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I miss the trick-or-treaters. I’ve not had a single one in the past decade — probably because I live in a mostly adult apartment complex. The residential neighborhoods around us are a different story. I’ll confess that at one time or another I’ve done six of these, but I must say I remember the homemade treats of #7 with affection. We all wanted those instead of store-bought candy: homemade popcorn balls, fudge, pulled taffy, and so on. If I thought I could get a good popcorn ball, I’d be hitting the streets with the kids.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A good popcorn ball would be worth hitting the streets. Thanks, Linda.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ditto on #1. The first time I tried to watch Psycho as a teenager (Halloween of course), there was a message on TV that someone had just escaped from the mental hospital, and therefore the movie would not be shown. 😳
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, that was quite a twist on the evening. 😳
LikeLiked by 1 person
No kidding! 😳
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankfully…er should I say, gosh, once again, there were no little goblins or ghosties appearing at my front door. I think in the 20 years I’ve lived here there may have been 10 trick or treaters. There’s a small shopping square a couple of blocks away that hands out buckets of treats that the kids likely prefer. And in daylight rather than on a chilly night. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
We don’t get any either. I wonder if the “Go away” sign at the foot of the drive has anything to do with it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
{snort} Haha…coffee spewed out of my nose with that comment. 👍🏻
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Monika. Your comment made my day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLike
“… do not hand out toothbrushes …” I didn’t know people did that. I still remember one house that gave me an apple when I was eight years old. I remember it’s relation to the other houses on the block. I remember the man who gave it to me, and I remember the disappointment in my body and soul as I accepted it and said, “Thank you, sir.” (There was no razorblade in it, but there might as well have been. Because for the rest of my life, up to and including this year, every time I hear the warnings about razorblades in apples, I think of that man. Maybe it’s about time I let it go.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
It might be time to let it go, Andrew.
LikeLike