Photo by Hugo Herrera on Unsplash
This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.
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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo
10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)
9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)
8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)
7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)
6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)
5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)
4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)
3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)
2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)
1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)
Fiction Favorites 
I’m always nervous in the aviary and the enclosed tunnel that leads into the lion’s territory. What is the birds unload and the tunnel breaks? Curtains!
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Sounds like a good end of the zoo story, Steve 😁
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You had me at the goat story–hilarious, John! And #5 is too familiar, searching after my youngest brother at the zoo and years later, my son. Little boys like to escape on their own and a leash is a lifesaver (or at least a sanity protector)!
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Than you, Gwen. I’m glad it brought back some memories.
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My youngest disappeared on us at the zoo. Came out of the washroom all proud of himself that he went by himself. Took everything in my power not to feed him to the lions (right next to the restrooms)…
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Ha ha ha. I can almost feel your pain, Dale. 😳
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It was not fun… and not the only time we “lost” the little bugger…
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😊
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Don’t think that taking a little one to the zoo is always fun for them. My 2-year-old daughter was terrified of all things, the monkeys, and had nightmares for weeks after. Who knew?
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Monkeys can be scary for sure. Thanks, Darlene.
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After reading # 10, I didn’t think you could beat running around after the ostrich – but you did!! Great post, John!
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Thanks, GP. So glad you liked it. 😊
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Hilarious! Number nine reminded me of an elementary school field trip. One of the boys in my class was making faces and yelling things to a giraffe. After a couple of minutes, the giraffe got fed up and spit in his face. We all laughed, and the boy started to cry. Great post, John!
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I would have loved to see that, Jill. Must have been fun. Thanks for sharing. 😁
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Good for the giraffe!
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Think I’ve seen all of these happens. As far as the zoo in winter, it is cold, but fewer crowds. Higher chance of the snow leopards being active too.
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We had plenty of trips to the zoo, but I never looked at the displays in the reptile house. I can take anything but snakes. Monkeys were my favorite.
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Yeah, that glass separating the snakes from humans always looked too thin. Thanks, Teri
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We spent well over $50 to take our 5 year-old granddaughter to the zoo and all she wanted to do was play at the playground. Lesson learned – go to the park next time. She did enjoy feeding the giraffe, though.
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Those giraffe get all the treats it seems
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Ticket sale are up this week as zoo patrons follow John Howell from enclosure to enclosure hoping to film the next viral video.
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I hope they hurry before Tic Toc is no longer legal.
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Ha ha, good one, Craig!
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This reminds me too much of a middle school field trip I chaperoned to the Bronx Zoo. I lost count of how many rules were broken that day. If you ever do a top ten for chaperones, include “don’t expect every parent to have remembered to give their kids money for snacks.”
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I remember those days as well. Thanks, Dan
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Lots of potential perils for those who aren’t familiar with wild animals. Thanks for another entertaining Monday read, my friend!
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Glad you liked it, Debbie. 😁
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I’ll stay far away from the goats. I’m losing enough hair as it is! 😀
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Ha ha ha. Me too. Thanks, Joan.
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I would probably do #1, John, since I like making a fool of myself. But the rest… It’s amazing that people actually do these things. 🙂 A fun post, my friend.
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Thank you, Diana. 😁
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Good ones, John! 🙂 I saw an idiot (a grown man) get sprayed by a lion once. He was banging on the bars of the cage and got sprayed. It was quite the smell! I just about died laughing. 🙂
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Served him tight too. I wish I had seen that.
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Good for the lion!
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Hahahaha!!!1 Wouldn’t be so funny if people didn’t do all of these things.
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The beauty of the human race. Plenty of humor fodder. Thanks, L.K.
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All good advice for that next trip to the zoo, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise.
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Lol! Fabulous list, John! Having just visited Animal Kingdom in Florida, I can relate to most of these. 🙂
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I’ll bet you can.
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Fabulous list, we had a zoo near where I grew up called Chester Zoo
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Good name for a zoo.
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I would add, don’t take your child to see the buffalo when it’s a humid, ninety- degree day. I’ll never forget that smell.
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Good one, Liz.
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Thanks, John. 🙂
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😊
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I would add: don’t put possibly tasty treats in your pockets. I once had a baby elephant pull a pack of gum out of my shirt pocket with its trunk. It was — a memorable experience.
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I can only imagine. Thanks, Linda. 😁
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John, I remember field trips to the Zoo where I always saddled up to the closest spot to the animals, and then got yelled at. Teachers were so paranoid we’d all scale the railings and join the animals. Then again, at that age maybe it was better they were overly concerned!
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I think they had some inkling of the possibilities. Thanks, Bruce.
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I love going to zoos, but at the same time, I feel sad that they are not free to be in their own natural habitat. Without zoos, most people would never get to see so many animals from the wild.
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Classic case of approach/avoidance conflict.
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LOL lots of ideiots do some of this dumb stuff. I love the animals so it’s a good thing I am very aware of what’s good for them at the zoo and don’t try some of this crazy stuff. But I have gone to the zoo in the winter as our zoo puts up all the lights and it is, of course, Arizona. They serve hot chocolate, and we pretend it’s like a Michigan winter 😉 but with our thinned out blood.
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We do the same here and I look like I’m dressed for a Michigan winter. Thanks Luanne.
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Hah. It is surprising how fast your blood thins.
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Yes it is. 🥶
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These are hilarious, John! #6 & #3 made me laugh. It’s been years since I’ve been to a zoo, and I have to admit those lions look awfully cuddly. (cough) 😂
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Thank you, Lauren. I would not try the cuddle routine with those guys. 😁
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🥰
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Thanks for the list, John. #7 was a little scary!
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😁
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Great list, John. I wonder if they’ve caught the owl that escaped from the Central Park Zoo in NYC.
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I don’t know. Given the rats in NYC it will eat well.
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It has been. 🙂
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I might have to blow kisses at the lions, but that’s about it. I wouldn’t want to annoy the magnificent beasts. And as for ostriches? They scare me most of all. It’s that deadly kick man.
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That and swallowing the alarm clock.
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Bahahahaha!
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😁
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The goat one reminded me that I once saw (in real life) a goat eat a tin can. Yummy!
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Ha ha ha. I would like to see that.
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