This week’s list was prompted by the huge amount of rainfall that came down in California. I used to live in Sonoma and remember what it was like when the five and six-inch rainfalls hit. Most people are not aware that most of California is a desert and the people living there rely on the winter rainfalls to refill the reservoirs for use in the summer. It has been tough for the last few years since rainfall amounts were not up to levels that could sustain consumption through the summer. The latest round of rain has not eliminated the problem since fast accumulation generally means runoff as opposed to conservation. Our thoughts are with those in California and maybe a chuckle will help a little.

Top Ten Things Not to do in the Rain

10 If you are in the rain driving your car, do not engage cruise control. If you do, at best  you may have a spin out. At worst, your car will continue at a constant rate of speed as you slide off the highway into the old river gorge which is swollen with rain water and moving at fifty miles an hour.

9 If you are in the rain driving your car do not cross a puddle of unknown depth especially if you see the back fin of an unidentified fish. If you do, at best rescue will come before the car sinks. At worst, you and your car will be the subject of the six o’clock news as the coast guard boards your temporary boat and claps you in irons

8 If you are in the rain and don’t have an umbrella, do not hold a paper over your head. If you do, at best you will end up wet and ink-covered. At worst, you might be mistaken for a person with a paper mache head and have to deal with parents of children who are sure you are from a different planet.

7 If you are in the rain, do not try to run to minimize the effects of the raindrops. If you do, at best you will simply get wetter faster as a result of your increased velocity. At worst, running in a downpour has all the makings of a two-reel comedy especially if you slip and fall into a puddle as you step off the curb. (You know a cellphone camera will catch that underwear flash and all)

6 If you are in the rain and standing with people to get on the bus, do not mention the rain. If you do, at best those around you will think you are an idiot for discussing the obvious. At worst, you may just be lucky enough to be able to get under an umbrella and then be told to move since you  have made your umbrella mate uncomfortable with your observation of “wow some rain, huh.”

5 If you are in the rain and you are carrying anything, do not think you can keep it dry by shoving it under your clothes. If you do, at best you will have a cold wet lump next to your skin. At worst, those around you will think you have taken something illegally and turn you into the police who decide not to step out of their car in the rain but rather Taser you from inside the car.

4 If you are in the rain, do not try to eat your sandwich on the go. If you do, at best you will have to eat it too fast to save it from melting. At worst, you will be too slow and the best part of the sandwich will have run down the sleeve of the arm connected to the hand which was wrapped around the sandwich. This part of the sandwich will only be discovered when you raise your arm to ask a question of the visiting executive from the home office who will naturally think you rolled in something bad.

3 If you are in the rain, do not think your dog will perform as they usually do on walk. If you do, at best you and the dog will be in for a frustrating experience. At worst, your dog will associate rain with your disappointment and my want to help by leaving a surprise for you at the door before walk if it is raining outside to show you there is no need for the walk.

2 If you are in the rain and you have a flat tire, do not try to change it yourself. If you do, at best you will be soaking wet and dirty. At worst you might just be part of a freak accident where the car slips off the jack and rolls down an embankment only to become airborne until landing on a person’s roof below and coming to a stop in their living room. (While they are watching the six o’clock news about an earthquake in Asia) Okay, I’ll admit it’s not a realistic situation but hey, it could happen and why take the chance.

1 If you are in the rain, do not take your shoes off to prevent your Italian leathers from getting wet. If you do, at best you will only step on some strangers gum. At worst, you may step into a puddle that if you had your shoes on you would have tried to avoid only to discover someone let their pet piranhas loose for a run down the street without their leashes. The sad part is the piranhas were let loose prior to their tapir dinner.