I did a post last week on Fiction Favorites titled Dialog is as Dialog Does where I attempted to demonstrate some of the principles necessary for good dialog. The piece is a bit of flash fiction that contained only dialog and really no context with the idea that the reader could figure out the story with just the dialog and no tags. You can read it here http://wp.me/p2Qoij-s5 if you would like to contrast it to what I am about to cover. This post will take the dialog from the last which had no tags and add tags that are totally inappropriate. By inappropriate I don’t mean offensive or derisive but really unnecessary to either the story or the conversation.
The reason I am doing this is to hopefully point out some of the glaring mistakes that new writer’s make in wanting to over explain the situation in a dialog setting. The true test of good dialog is the ability of the writer to separate conversations so that the reader knows exactly who is talking. Also good dialog should move the story along without causing the reader to be forced to stop and think about what the writer has laid out. So here we go.
John Howard by John Howell © 2013
“Can I help you young man?” the woman behind the desk asks.
“Yes I am here to see the president,” I reply with a bit of urgency.
“Is he expecting you?” she says with an eyebrow raised.
“He should be. I sent him a letter and said I was going to stop by,” I respond back with a note of irritation in my voice.
“A letter?” she says with surprise in her voice.
“Yes,” I counter with a sense of superiority
“When did you send a letter?” she questions with some doubtfulness.
“I guess it was about a month ago. The letter asked that my correct name be used since there has been a computer error and the University keeps calling me Howard instead of Howell,” I say almost running out of breath.
“Did Dr. Hannah respond to the letter?” she asks with an interrogator’s tone.
“Yes he did. I got a nice letter back. Here is a copy read it for yourself,” I say handing her the letter.
“Humm. Dr Hannah specifically thanked you for your correspondence and indicated that he would look into your problem. You say that your name is Howell and not Howard?” she says while looking over her glasses.
“Yes it has been Howell for the last nineteen years,” I reply with a certain air of smugness.
“Yet the letter from Dr. Hannah is addressed to John Howard,” she points out handing the letter back to me.
“This is why I need to see him,” I say forcibly.
“Wait here Mr. Howard. Let me see if I can find someone to help,” she says and then turns to go.
“It’s Howell,” I call out to her back.
“Excuse me?” she questions as she stops and slowly turns around to look at me.
“My name is Howell not Howard,” I repeat directly to her.
“Oh yes that is what I said. Howard,” she says and continues to move away.
“Howell,” I say even louder as she gets further from the room.
“I said Howard not Howell,” she calls back to me.
“I know,” I say and sigh loudly.
“Very well Mr. Howard, I will be right back,” she says and begins to move again.
“Howell,” I raise my voice
“I am only trying to help,” she says with an expression of irritation on her face.
“I’m sure,” I sort of blurt out sarcastically.
“I think you should call for an appointment. Good day Mr. Howard,” she says and disappears through the door way behind the desk.
If you found this dialog off setting and somewhat clumsy you are probably on the right track to great dialog in your writing. In my mind (although not an expert) this entire scene did not benefit from any of the stage directions that were added into the tags. I also believe the story itself lost some of the power of authoritarianism and tension that was present in the original.
Have a great weekend
