Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing with a Toddler Around

July 7, 2014July 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

This is the 53rd edition of What Not to Do. This week Charles Yallowitz famed Fantasy author of the Legends of Windemere series of Fantasy novels and blogger extraordinaire has authored the list. If you would like to join the fun e-mail me at johnhowell.wave@gmail.com. This list will appear on Legends of Windemere post as well as on Fiction Favorites.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing with a Toddler Around

10. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a hungry toddler, do not give them the entire box of their favorite cereal in lieu of cooking dinner. At best, they will scatter the contents of the box around the room and give you an hour of focused vacuuming to do during your break. At worst, their cereal will be high in sugar and you will spend the rest of the week gluing all of your wife’s pottery back together.

9. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a loud toddler, do not wear headphones to drown them out with heavy metal music. At best, you will find that they took advantage of your obliviousness and cleaned all of your underwear in the toilet. At worst, you will find that they started a ‘Pet Breakfast Club’ in the basement with the hamster, the bird, and a cat that you have never seen before.

8. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an energetic toddler, do not put them in the backyard to wear themselves out while you ‘watch’ from inside. At best, you will find them trapped in a tree, under the bushes, or at the top of their swing set. At worst, you will find that they drove the riding mower throughout the neighborhood and now you have to throw a BBQ to make peace with the neighbors.

7. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a sleeping toddler, do not fill the silent void with music. At best, they will stay asleep, but your concentration will break every time the music sounds a bit too loud. At worst, they will wake up and take screeching vengeance on the parent who dared disturb their slumber.

6. If you are trying to edit a print out of your book while supervising an imaginative toddler, do not leave your manuscript alone for more than a few seconds. At best, you will find that someone played ‘editor’ with a pink highlighter and left their sweating sippy cup on your chair. At worst, you will return to find the pages strewn across the office by a child who announces himself as ‘Princess Else’ and asks if you want to make a snowman. This is also when you realize that Microsoft Word doesn’t automatically put page numbers on documents.

5. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a talkative toddler, do not try to continue typing while holding a conversation. At best, you will write gibberish because your fingers have slipped one key to the left and you never noticed. At worst, you will unknowingly include the conversation in your manuscript and give your editor more embarrassing ammo to tease you with. Even worse, your editor doesn’t catch the issue and you publish with the hero and villain discussing why big boys don’t poop in their underwear.

4. If you are trying to write your book while waiting for the toddler to come home from school, do not ignore the clock and push your time to the final minute. At best, you will have to go running out to the bus without shoes and wearing your lucky ‘Hello, Kitty’ author shirt. At worst, you never hear the bus, your toddler is trapped for the rest of the route, and you get a delightful call from the bus company that they are not transporting your child.

3. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a curious child, do not scream at them for asking the same question 13 times. At best, they will get upset and throw a tantrum that signifies the end of your writing day. At worst, you will teach him several colorful words that he will gladly repeat to his mother, grandparents, teachers, strangers in public, and the head of your church/synagogue.

2. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an attentive toddler, do not read what you’re typing out loud. At best, you will be bombarded by questions about your book that will cause you to realize that you have no idea what you’re doing. At worst, your toddler will learn about what mommy and daddy do behind closed doors because you happened to be writing a graphic sex scene.

1. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a rambunctious toddler, do not duct tape them to the wall for a few moments of peace. At best, the child will get free and collect various objects on the tape while rushing around the house. At worst, your spouse will come home with parents in tow and you’ll wake up in the hospital with a police officer and divorce lawyer hovering over you.

My GRL Blog Tour Volunteer Recognition – Devorah Fox

January 19, 2014January 20, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 6 Comments

Devorah Fox is helping spread the message of the launch of My GRL. Visit her at http://devorahfox.com

Devorah is an author of critically acclaimed novels. She is unique in the fact she is capable of writing in both the literary fantasy and thriller fiction genres. Her books The Lost King and The King’s Ransom are acclaimed literary fantasy novels whose time and place carry the reader into a land where all things are magical and still practical at the same time. The reader can follow the story of King Robin Bewilliam as he tries to sort out the details of circumstances causing him to lose his kingdom. Book One, The Lost King, Robin awakens one morning to find himself mysteriously transformed from a beloved and respected ruler to a homeless vagabond. His quest to uncover and break the bewitching spell that plagues him and regain his kingdom sets him on a journey of adventure, romance, and self-discovery. Book Two, The Kings Ransom finds Robin at sea both literally and figuratively. At first directionless and purposeless, he determines to reunite with his sons and with them restore his shattered kingdom but Fate has different plans for the lost king. Driven far from his home in the Chalklands, Robin pits his will against a dragon, a fortress’ duplicitous and deadly guards, high winds on the open water, and a horrifying sea monster only to meet his most formidable opponent.

Devorah with Jed Donellie also wrote the contemporary thriller Naked Came the Sharks which tells the story of murder and mayhem in the Texas Costal Bend. Chasing her dream of becoming an investigative reporter in San Francisco. Holly Rivera Berry returns to her hometown of Bonafides on the Texas Coastal Bend to settle her recently deceased father’s estate. She comes to doubt that her father died of natural causes. The more she investigates, the more things don’t add up.

Devorah has also written for television, radio, magazines, newspapers, and various blogs. She was born in Brooklyn, New York, and wrote her first novel in the third grade. She now lives in Port Aransas, Texas, where she writes the “Dee-Scoveries” blog at http://devorahfox.com and columns of the same name for The Island Moon newspaper and TexasNOW magazine. On the rare occasions when she’s not writing, she dabbles in glass painting and etching and enjoys relaxing with her Significant Other and a trio of gray tabby cats.

Her three books can be found by clicking on the covers or HERE, HERE and HERE

Ten No Nos is as Ten No Nos Does

January 13, 2014January 10, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 28th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

10. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was. At best they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done. At worst, they will regale you with stories of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you and the fact you would be fired if it were not for them.

9. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws. At best your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual. At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.

8. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name. At best, your boss will play along and pretend to forget your name and your salary grade. At worst, your boss, who got called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency that came up in your area, will purposely forget who you are and have security escort you from the building.

7. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it. At best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone since most surfaces were uncovered. At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-up notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.

6. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect you can spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job. At best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing stuff rather than doing stuff, but in the end it will cost you. At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.

5. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was. At best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day. At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your supervisor hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.

4. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual. At best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you. At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten where you work and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs didn’t you?)

3. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties. At best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they had resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays. At worst, the three-week old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.

2. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done. At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave. At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.

1. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood. At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days. At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer and you’ll have a four-month long headache to show for it.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 6, 2014January 4, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 27th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. At best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” At best, you’ll only lose a lot of water which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” At best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokeable filter. Of course, even five minutes you don’t smoke is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. At best, it’s too vague (it could be mean get organized at work, get your kitchen organized, organize your bookshelf) and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and families’ schedules, and they will commit you for a having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” In the best case, you only have two books on your TBR list and so you now have the whole year to read them. In the worst case, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. At best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need little editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? At best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” At best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No No’s Does

December 23, 2013December 20, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Here is the 25th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Shopping at the Last Minute for Christmas

10. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not battle another for a parking place. If they are similarly crazed, you may just lose the front end of your car while the other driver yells “Tawanda! Tawanda!” at you as if they are Kath Bates in Green Fried Tomatoes.

9. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not take your children with you. At best, they will get in the way; at worst, they will be a witness to your stepped-up aggressive behavior when you Taser another parent for the last remaining iPod Nano.

8. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not leave home without a list. If you do, at best, you will no doubt forget something or someone. At worst, you will be tempted to grab armloads of stuff with the rationale what doesn’t work can be returned only to find out after Christmas that you were wrong.

7. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not think you are going to get anything on sale. If you think you will, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, you will be afraid to go home given what you have spent.

6. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not forget sizes on your list. If you do, at best, you may just misjudge. At worst, you will get your mother-in-law an extra-large and you’ll never hear the end of it (even if it is the right size).

5. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not think expensive will take the place of thoughtful. If you do, at best, you will spend too much and become every one’s favorite gift giver. At worst, none of your gifts will be appreciated and all of them will be returned for cash.

4. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not have everything gift wrapped at the store. If you do, at best, it will appear as if you did not put your heart into the gifts. At worst, you could be accused of giving gifts you bought for someone else.

3. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not buy gifts that you yourself would not want to receive. If you do, at best, you might just get it back someday. At worst, the gift might be as tasteless as you thought it was and now you are the embarrassed recipient.

2. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not stop until your list is complete. If you do, at best, the person you left off will give you the best gift ever and you’ll have to admit that you got them nothing. At worst, your excuse of running out of time will be the straw that broke the camel’s back since you had a year to make it right.

1. When shopping at the last-minute for Christmas, do not stop humming your favorite Christmas song. If you do, you might break out in tears and nobody likes a crier this time of year.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 16, 2013December 12, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling With a Cat

10. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick. Take it for a short spin first. Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast. At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier. At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8. When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out. At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of being to do so directly into your ear. At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7. When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board what you know is a non-pet-friendly train. Just because you’ve trained your cat to lay across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled. One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do. Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is at best annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested. At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post. At best, you’ll simply be admonished by the conductor to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7). At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors and needle and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you. While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will. In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board. In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint. At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan. At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that. Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal. In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket. For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship and what she comes across may just catch her instead. For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 9, 2013December 6, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Here is the 23rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

10. If you are buying a gift for a girlfriend, do not plan to give clothes unless you are double dog sure of the sizes. If you’re lucky, you buy something too small and she feels bad (yet happy) because you think she’s smaller than she really is. If you’re unlucky, you buy something too big and she makes you feel bad for thinking that she’s bigger than she really is.

9. If you are buying a gift for a boyfriend, do not plan to give him one of those latest mechanical gifts from an on-line gadget store. Best case: he won’t be able to figure out what it is for and will feel stupid. Worst case: he will know what it is for since he already has one.

8. If you are getting a gift for a mother-in-law, do not plan to re-gift something you received from a family member or even a complete stranger. In the best case, you’ll have left the gift receipt in the box with last year’s date. In the worst case, it will be the very gift your mother-in-law gave you two years ago. To make it even more embarrassing, you raved about how perfect the gift was when you got it.

7. If you are buying a gift for a father-in-law, do not plan to give any kind of hat. The best case is your mother-in-law will tell him he looks ridiculous in it. The worst case is he will actually like it and wear it just to spite the mother-in-law, and then you will be on the hook for the resulting friction.

6. If you are buying a gift for a spouse, do not plan to give them anything they asked for when you asked what they wanted for Christmas. At best, your spouse will consider the gift as a no brainer on your part and wonder why you didn’t get something else. At worst, your spouse will have changed their mind and you now have a new door stop.

5. If you want to give a gift to a teen-ager, do not buy anything. Simply give them the money you would have spent. If you do buy an unwanted gift, the best you can hope for will be an eye-roll followed by the teen-ager getting a cash refund for the gift. At the worst, you’ll soon find the gift, with the gift sticker still affixed, at your local thrift store.

4. If you are buying a gift for a co-worker, do not buy any intimate apparel or anything that could be considered personal. In the best case, you will be thought of as “kind of creepy.” In the worst case, you will be explaining to Human Resources what you had intended by the gift.

3. If you are buying a gift for the postal person do not give anything you have baked. The postal employee is fully capable of putting their own cookie together. At best, you will see your baked goods handed off to the next mailbox on your street. At worst, you will wonder why your mail stopped after the holidays.

2. If you are buying a gift for a white elephant gift exchange, do not buy anything you might not want to take home. The best case is you manage to avoid being stuck with what you brought. The worst case is you will be the proud owner of the gift you brought which then you will have to store away until next year or gift to your mother-in-law.

1. If you are buying a gift for your boss, do not try to keep up with his tastes. Simply get a gift card from Amazon and let him pick up a book. The best case is whatever you give other than the gift card will never cost enough. The worst case is you might actually spend enough to find out your boss has one of what you bought. Unless it is a new Ferrari, you will never recover.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 2, 2013November 29, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Here is the 22nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling with Dogs

10. If you are traveling with your dog by car, refrain from putting your pet in a pet taxi on the roof because there’s no room inside. At best, it will be a short trip once you realize that the laws of motion sickness dictate a downward flow over your windshield. At worst, given your heartless demeanor your family may decide to strap you to the car’s roof on the way home.

9. If you are traveling with your dog by car, avoid letting your dog drive, no matter how tired you may be and how good a driver you think he is. At best, your dog will insist on making frequent stops at every fire hydrant he sees. At worst, your dog will confuse the stop and go lights at intersections since they can’t distinguish between red and green, and you will wind up having to explain to your insurance company and the police how your unlicensed operator dog wound up in your driver’s seat with the keys in its paw.

8. If you are traveling with your dog by car, do not put your dog in the front passenger’s seat wearing sunglasses and clothes just so you can use the carpool lane. It doesn’t matter how much your dog might look like your spouse. Chances are you’ll be pulled over by a traffic cop who will then take a photo of your dog, put it up on Facebook tagged with your spouse’s name (which you were stupid enough to give), and you’ll have divorce papers or worse waiting for you when you get home.

7. If you are traveling with your dog and planning to stay at hotels, be sure the hotel will accommodate pets. A barking dog is bad enough in a pet-friendly hotel; but in a non-pet-friendly hotel, at best, you’ll be charged double for disturbing your neighbors. At worst, you and your dog may have to take shelter at a shelter.

6. If you are traveling with your dog and staying at a pet-friendly hotel, do not think that just because the hotel is pet friendly, everyone else is. At best, some guests may just asked to be removed from your immediate vicinity due to the incessant (but to your ears, endearing) yapping of your young pug. At worst, you and your dog may wind up like #7, taking shelter in a shelter.

5. If you are traveling with your dog by plane, don’t think that just because you taught Hugo, your Great Dane, how to roll up into a ball, you can claim him as carry-on baggage. At best, Hugo won’t fit under the seat and you’ll have his head in your lap for the whole flight. At worst, the airport won’t be deceived by your efforts and will have the TSA examine you for other hidden dogs.

4. If you are traveling with your dog by plane and your dog actually does fit into a soft carry-on bag, do not assume that the flight attendant will appreciate your frequent requests for water, doggie biscuits (because the ones you had on you were confiscated by TSA), or wee-wee pads. At best, the flight attendant might simply douse you with water and suggest that your dog lick it off you. At worst, the attendant will be so smitten with your Pomeranian and its pink bow, she will offer to take her to the galley to feed her and that will be the last you see of either the attendant or your dog.

3. If you are traveling with your dog by train, do not think that all the other passengers will find it entertaining if you let your dog run up and down the length of the train car for exercise. At best, your dog might get tired from all the running and you won’t be able to coax him off the train when you reach your destination. At worst, you might find both of you dumped off at the next station, hundreds of miles from your destination as the Siberian winter sets in.

2. If you want to take a cruise with your dog, do not try to pass your dog off as a service animal in order to sidestep the cruise line’s no pet policy. While your dog might do quite well at acting the part of a service animal, chances are you will forget which disability you chose. At best, cruise line staff might start following you around, suspicious that at one moment you claim to be deaf and the next you’re singing along to music from your iPod. At worst, you might find yourself set in a dinghy tethered to the stern of the ship, while your dog gets to stay on board and play with the cruise line staff for the rest of the trip.

1. If you are traveling with your dog on a pet-friendly cruise line, take precautions to make sure the cruise line stays pet-friendly. For example, do not allow your dog to jump into the pool with the other passengers just because your dog loves to swim. At best, you’ll be made to clean the pool by yourself. At worst, you may find yourself taking a swim that is a bit longer than across the pool.

Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No Nos Does

November 25, 2013November 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10. If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7. If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner. The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.

6. If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.

5. If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4. If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3. If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2. If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner. At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1. If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

November 18, 2013November 15, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 20th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. This list has been prepared for all you campers who will be taking advantage of the Thanksgiving weekend. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

10. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet paper for your stay. Yes, the added bulk and weight of the paper may seem burdensome in your backpack, but you will appreciate the luxury soon after you’ve eaten too much of the wrong kind of berries.

9. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent thinking it will be more protected from the elements there. If you do, you will likely be rudely surprised in the middle of the night by, at worst, a bear that will find your leg more delicious than your beef jerky, or, at best, a coterie of raccoons who will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes.

8. If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of the area in which you are camping. At best Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst the Google map didn’t give you a warning about the five hundred foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below.

7. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters. No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister. Without aid, at best you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.

6. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water. The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst you might get a close up view of the local ER.

5. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun thinking it will be sure protection against any wild animals that you may encounter. For one thing, you are in their territory and if it isn’t hunting season, you have no right to be toting a lethal weapon. For another, if you are afraid of wild animals, then you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.

4. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellant. Be prepared to apply repellant every hour unless you don’t mind being a blood donor for all species of biting insects.

3. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160. Chances are your feet will wind up in worse condition than is suggested in item #7, and you will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.

2. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across. Chances are the bear cub is not orphaned, its mama is in smelling distance of you, and you’ll soon find yourself having to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands.

1. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not leave your trash behind. Take out what you pack in. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.