Dialog – Fiction Favorites

wepoetsshowit just published one of my stories on their Debut Writer feature. It is a lovely blog that is certainly worth a visit. All week they have special features on poetry, the arts and an open mic segment. Their blog has a calendar which you can click on and view the up and coming daily events. Since this blog is designed to feature the work of the artistic community you may want to look at the submission policy. Thank you wepoetsshowit for the opportunity. So here is the story:

Talk by John W. Howell

“So the guy says to me ‘what the hell do you think you’re doing?’ I just look at him and smile.”

“Then what happens?”

“I take him by the arm and walk him over to the trash can. I make him look into the can and then I say, ‘does that look like yours?’”

“I’ll bet he is shitting his pants by then.”

“Oh yeah. I can feel him shaking just by holding his arm.”

“So what then?”

“He tells me he has never seen the bag before and I call him a liar. I place the barrel of the cold gun against his temple and whisper that he better tell me the truth. I squeeze his arm for effect just to make sure he knows I mean it”

“Did he spill his guts then?”

“Naw he keeps insisting he has never seen the bag before. I tell him to pull the bag out of the can which he does.”

“Do you make him open it?”

“Yeah, I tell him to undo the latch.”

“He has the key right?”

“He still says he has no idea how to open the bag so I hit him with the butt of the pistol.”

“Woo. I’ll bet that hurt.”

“He starts bleeding like a stuck pig. I had to give him my handkerchief to stop it.”

“Why did you do that?”

“The main reason is I didn’t want any of his blood on me. You never know these days what some of these assholes are carrying. He could have aids for god’s sake.”

“Yeah I guess that was the smart thing to do. What happened then?”

“I told him to get on his knees and pray since this might be the last few minutes that he would be alive.”

“No shit you told him that?”

“Yeah and then I put the gun barrel on the back of his head and asked him one more time to open the bag.”

“Did he open it?”

“Naw he just started crying and begging me to let him go.”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Let him go?”

“Hell no. I pulled the trigger and he hit the ground like I had hit him with a two by four.”

“Oh my god. I can’t believe it. Why?”

“I told him I was going to kill him if he didn’t open the bag. I am a man of my word.”

“Unbelievable. My god you killed a man. Where is the bag now?”

“Right here. Take a look.”

“What is that mess on it?”

“I would say some blood and a little brain.”

“Ew. That is too disgusting.”

“So why don’t you open it.”

“What do you mean? Open it.”

“Just as I said. Open it. You were the one who mentioned the key. Only the owner of the bag would know there is a key needed.”

“I..I don’t know what you mean.”

“Open the bag or I will kill you.”

“Come on. Quit screwing around. You know I don’t have a key.”

“I don’t know any such thing. You were the one who pointed out the guy and said he had dumped the bag in the trash can. You sent me there to get the bag thinking I would just pick it up. All along it was you who threw the bag in the can right?”

“Yes okay I was the one who threw the bag in the can.”

“Why?”

“The bag is filled with diamonds that I took from work.”

“You took diamonds from work. Why?”

“I was going to recover them and pick up a reward.”

“You were the one who took the diamonds and you wanted me to get caught with them? That guy was a cop and you knew that. He was supposed to arrest me when I picked up the bag. You didn’t think I was going to go after the guy did you? ”

“N-no I didn’t.”

“Now it is too late. The cop is dead and all we have left is a bag of diamonds.”

“Ten million dollars’ worth of diamonds.”

“What?”

“I am the only one who can get rid of them. They will be hotter than hell tomorrow.”

“Why not just turn them in for the reward?”

“It’s too late. There is no one to blame for taking them but me.”

“That would be okay as far as I am concerned.”

“Yeah but I would have to do hard time.”

“That wouldn’t bother me.”

“What are you doing?”

“Looks like I am screwing a silencer on this very loud pistol to me.”

“Don’t kid around like this.”

“I never kid. By the way, you never opened the bag. Bye now.”

I did a post last week on Fiction Favorites titled Dialog is as Dialog Does where I attempted to demonstrate some of the principles necessary for good dialog. The piece is a bit of flash fiction that contained only dialog and really no context with the idea that the reader could figure out the story with just the dialog and no tags. You can read it here http://wp.me/p2Qoij-s5 if you would like to contrast it to what I am about to cover. This post will take the dialog from the last which had no tags and add tags that are totally inappropriate. By inappropriate I don’t mean offensive or derisive but really unnecessary to either the story or the conversation.

The reason I am doing this is to hopefully point out some of the glaring mistakes that new writer’s make in wanting to over explain the situation in a dialog setting. The true test of good dialog is the ability of the writer to separate conversations so that the reader knows exactly who is talking. Also good dialog should move the story along without causing the reader to be forced to stop and think about what the writer has laid out. So here we go.

“Can I help you young man?” the woman behind the desk asks.

“Yes I am here to see the president,” I reply with a bit of urgency.

“Is he expecting you?” she says with an eyebrow raised.

“He should be. I sent him a letter and said I was going to stop by,” I respond back with a note of irritation in my voice.

“A letter?” she says with surprise in her voice.

“Yes,” I counter with a sense of superiority

“When did you send a letter?” she questions with some doubtfulness.

“I guess it was about a month ago. The letter asked that my correct name be used since there has been a computer error and the University keeps calling me Howard instead of Howell,” I say almost running out of breath.

“Did Dr. Hannah respond to the letter?” she asks with an interrogator’s tone.

“Yes he did. I got a nice letter back. Here is a copy read it for yourself,” I say handing her the letter.

“Humm. Dr Hannah specifically thanked you for your correspondence and indicated that he would look into your problem. You say that your name is Howell and not Howard?” she says while looking over her glasses.

“Yes it has been Howell for the last nineteen years,” I reply with a certain air of smugness.

“Yet the letter from Dr. Hannah is addressed to John Howard,” she points out handing the letter back to me.

“This is why I need to see him,” I say forcibly.

“Wait here Mr. Howard. Let me see if I can find someone to help,” she says and then turns to go.

“It’s Howell,” I call out to her back.

“Excuse me?” she questions as she stops and slowly turns around to look at me.

“My name is Howell not Howard,” I repeat directly to her.

“Oh yes that is what I said. Howard,” she says and continues to move away.

“Howell,” I say even louder as she gets further from the room.

“I said Howard not Howell,” she calls back to me.

“I know,” I say and sigh loudly.

“Very well Mr. Howard, I will be right back,” she says and begins to move again.

“Howell,” I raise my voice

“I am only trying to help,” she says with an expression of irritation on her face.

“I’m sure,” I sort of blurt out sarcastically.

“I think you should call for an appointment. Good day Mr. Howard,” she says and disappears through the door way behind the desk.

If you found this dialog off setting and somewhat clumsy you are probably on the right track to great dialog in your writing. In my mind (although not an expert) this entire scene did not benefit from any of the stage directions that were added into the tags. I also believe the story itself lost some of the power of authoritarianism and tension that was present in the original.

Have a great weekend

Category: Dialog

Talk is as Talk Does

Clumsy Dialog is as Clumsy Dialog Does