The inspiration for this list is the unrelenting heat here in South Texas. (And all over) We have had eight weeks of hot weather and no rain. Normally on the coast, we have the advantage of the Gulf breezes which serve to keep the daytime highs at no more than 89 degrees. Now that may seem warm but compared to the 106 degree inland temperatures 89 feels fresh. Lately, the temperatures have gone above 90 degrees and coupled with humidity; we have been looking at heat indexes of 111 to 113 degrees.

I will admit this list is by design a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that there thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.

10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best the 1000 degree oven will win.  At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way hey Bunkie?)

9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heart beat is signalling you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)

8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)

7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at the school. If you do, at best the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement which the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)

6 If you are in the heat, do not think it was a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag along with your wallet proved to be a mistake on several levels. (Handing the police your ice cream soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home officer before the ice cream melted.”)

5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)

4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)

3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)

2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Maybe not.)

1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. (Okay, this one is serious and all too often people forget to keep their pets (and children sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures.