with John W. Howell
(1) Kindle Reader Winner
(2) Winners of eBook “Gift Baskets” of ALL ebooks
Other Winners of individual ebooks or paperbacks (randomly selected)
This list was posted in October 2013 and authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since many people are trying to get published, it may be useful today.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published
10 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.
9 When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter, and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.
8 When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.
7 When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.
6 When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”
5 When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.
4 When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is no publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is still in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”
3 When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should stay away from self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.
2 When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in this for the money even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressing the publisher for a compact timetable because you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another, more motivated by non-monetary reasons.
1 When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.
The first book in the Eternal Road series has James and Sam battling Lucifer to save mankind.
Today, we are cruising the neighborhood to see what kind of summer blooms are available. We are catered by ABA of Austin. Our entertainment is The Cowsills.
Menu
Woke to the sound of rain, so a coffee will be quite welcome. A message on the touchscreen leads me to believe the AI inside is seeking entertainment. The message reads, I’m thinking of something that opens. How great is it to have a machine that wants to play games when the low caffeine warning klaxon horn is ready to split the skull. Give up? is the next message. Nodding my head, the machine responds with An application.
I’m not sure if laughing or crying is the correct response, so a smile is all I can offer. The touchscreen comes to life, and the two coffee buttons are quickly pressed. The cup is delivered, and the doorbell delivers a Westminster melody. The hounds of Baskerville want me to know the world is coming to an end. Lucky for me and the glass windows, a knuckle bone is near and tossed into the soundproof room. As the quiet descends, a glance at the security monitor shows someone looking very much like Yogi Bear standing on the porch. Calling out through the intercom verifies that whatever is to be delivered needs a signature.
With a sigh, the security system shutdown process has begun. The SWAT team needs to be put on standby. A quick text to the leader confirms that status. Also, the flight of A-10 Warthogs must be diverted. Another call to the commander puts that worry to rest. The SEAL team needs to be called off, and a call to the leader makes that possible. The control panel simplifies the shutdown process of the security system. The boiling oil vats are put on standby, the turret mortars disengaged, the Trebuchet on safety, the concertina wire rolled, the Claymore mines reset, the tower Gatling guns on safety, the moat net dropped, the alligators fed, the IEDs and shoulder-held rockets put away. The Proton torpedoes switched off. The locks on the door are thrown. And the door opened.
“A pic a nic basket for Howell. Sign here.”
“A big surprise you didn’t keep it.”
“Don’t think I didn’t think about that. BooBoo kept me honest.”
Looking in the basket, there is a note in sight. It is from Linda Hill. It reads Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “something that opens.” Use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!
“Take this basket as a tip.” The bear smiles, and he and the basket disappear down the driveway.
To see what others have done with the prompt, visit Linda’s post. https://lindaghill.com/2025/07/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-5-2025/
Something That Opens by John W. Howell © 2025
“That machine is going to be the death of you.”
“Tell me.”
“You know, we could have fun with that prompt.”
“How so?”
“I know of something that opens.”
“Let me guess. VooDoo Ranger bottles.”
“Well, there is that. But I had something else in mind.”
“I find it hard to believe you have anything else in mind.”
“I guess it could be associated with VooDoo Rangers.”
“The pub door?”
“Now that is a good one, but no.”
“My wallet.”
“Ha ha ha. I like that one. No again.”
“Okay, I’m giving up now.”
“Think hard.”
“Still nothing.”
“The Uber car door.”
“Oh my gosh. How did I not think of that? You’re a pain, you know that?”
“He’s right over there.”
“Wait a minute. The something that opens is not that car. Look at the rope holding the passenger door closed.”
“It’s tied with a bow. All you have to do is pull it and untie.”
“Will it get us there?”
“Of course. There is one thing, though.”
“Why is there always one thing?”
“It used to be a chicken coop.”
“What?”
“Yeah, we have to help clean out the back.”
“Why can’t we get a normal car?”
“And pay full price? Here, put on these overalls and gloves. The guy said we could keep the eggs.”
“Be still, my beating heart.”
Today is the celebration of independence here in the United States. Wishing all of you a very Happy 4th of July.
JohnKu for the 4th
A celebration,
And remembrance of . . .
All who kept us free.
Comments are off, and I hope you enjoy the day.
Well, Twiggy. Looks like a good day to be outside.”
“Yeah. I looked out the front and no wind.”
“There’s no wind in the back either.”
“Dear reader. Do I even need to respond?”
“So what do you say to a game of tug-o-war?”
“I think that would be fun.”
“You know to play, you have to put a part of this in your mouth.”
“I’ve been playing tug-of-war before you were born. Bring that thing closer.”
“Says the queen. Now I’m totally exhausted from lugging it.”
“Oh, quit faking. It wasn’t that far or that heavy.”
“Okay then. Grab one of the legs and I’ll grab another.”
“Hmm. I thought this had gone through the wash.”
“You know washing out toys destroys the eau du dog. Where are you going?”
“I’m going to step over there a little. That eau du dog is a bit ripe.”
“While you do that, I’m going to hunt for some leaves.”
“You know leaves are verboten.”
“Hey Twiggy. There are absolutely no tasty leaves to be had in this entire yard.”
“You can thank our diligent parents for that. Are we going to play or not?”
“I think I want to check out the leaf yard first.”
“The leaf yard? Where is that?”
“Right here in the South Forty. There are tons of possibilities.”
“You know you are not supposed to eat leaves.”
“Oh, I know. I don’t eat them. I just let them lie in my mouth.”
“I’ve heard it all now. It looks like you are eating those Crape Myrtle leaves to me.”
“Naw, just tasting them.”
“You know the rents have a security camera covering this area.”
“Well, all it will show is me lying on the ground licking my paws.”
“Another of the seven deadly sins. You are doomed.”
“Then I’d better enjoy these leaves.”
“You are going to be so grounded you’ll look like this flat toy here.”
Today I randomly opened Eternal Road – The final stop to page 201. With eyes closed, I pointed to the page, and the word nearest my finger was planet. Planet is our prompt today.
Planet by John W. Howell © 2025
“What planet are you on?”
“Whatya mean?”
“I mean, are you crazy?”
“What makes you ask that?”
“The way you are looking at that plant.”
“I just think it looks terrific, is all.”
“That is not the look I see.”
“Okay, smart one. What do you see?”
“I see someone who is coveting something that he has no business coveting.”
“Covet? What does that mean?”
“Means you have designs on making something that doesn’t belong to you, yours.”
“Wow. You are deep into psychology today, aren’t you?”
“I just know you. When you get that look, you’ll move Heaven and Earth to get what you want.”
“I always admire that in myself.”
“That may well be, but that plant does not belong to you.”
“I think I would be a better steward. Look at those leaves. They look wilted to me.”
“They are not wilted. You are just making that up. Besides, that plant is way too big for you to carry.”
“Oh, come on. Where there is a will, there is a way.”
“Is that the secret to your success?”
“No. I think my secret is high hopes. High apple pie in the sky hopes.”
“So you are going to take that rubber tree plant?”
“Hold my beer.”
This post was published on October 20, 2014. Since corporation are still holding these events it might be useful.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Corporate Team Building Event
10 If your company is having a team building event, do not think your team relationships will last. If you do, at best, you will be seen as weak and someone to avoid. At worst, the next promotion will go to your new friend who explained to the boss how needy you are.
9 If your company has a team building event, do not fall for the old trust building exercise. If you do, at best, your trust will not be reciprocated. At worst, you will place your trust in someone who in the end wants to see you dead.
8 If your company has a team building event, do not get paired with the boss. If you do, at best, you will get low grades for being too subservient. At worst, your boss will think you are not made of the stuff originally thought and will introduce you to the meaning of the phrase persona non grata.
7 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best, you will be the only one. At worst, the note taker will immediately label you as someone who does not take work seriously.
6 If your company has a team building event, do not believe the wearing apparel instructions. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will be the only ones dressed in jeans and sweatshirt. At worst, the biggest boss on the planet will drop by the exercise to see how it is going and will inquire of your boss, “who’s the other psychologist?”
5 If your company has a team building event, do not try to be the best player in the skill competition. If you are, at best, your boss will believe you have too much time on your hands. At worst, your boss will appoint you as team leader for the next team building event.
4 If your company has a team building event, do not think the free food and drinks are on an all you can eat buffet. If you do, at best, you will be seen as someone who is obviously lacking self-control. At worst, your boss will wonder if you always take advantage of the company expense account and inform finance to conduct an audit of your expenses.
3 If your company has a team building event, do not think the truth hour is for telling the truth. If you do, at best, you and the company psychologist will become simpatico. At worst, your boss will be counting the moments until you and they will be alone so that the longer term franchise you were counting on can be terminated.
2 If your company has a team building event, do not try to bring any new ideas during creative hour. If you do, at best, your peers will poke enough holes in your idea to kill it. At worst, thinking outside the box will only convince your boss that perhaps your belongings should be in a similar container and both of you escorted out by security.
1 If your company has a team building event do not sing along when the psychologist puts the Queen CD in the player and “We Are the Champions”starts playing. If you do, at best, your co-workers will think you are a throwback to the 80s. At worst, your boss loves “We Are the Champions” and your off note singing is making the neck hair stand up which will be a reminder to ask HR to have you transferred to Guam before the next team building event.
My need for a direct infusion of caffeine was met with a cold, dark touchscreen on the coffee machine. Puzzled, the haze-filled investigation began. Hitting reset-no help. Checking the line trip – no help. Calling the electric company – no help. Sitting on hold at the manufacturer – no help. Finally, speaking with a customer service representative who asked the definitive question, “Did you check the plug?” The plug? Does this person think they are talking to a moron? The plug? How flipping insulting can one get? Reminds me of talking to a WordPress Happiness Engineer. The plug? For crying out loud, of course I checked . . .the . . .plug. “Thank you for your help, customer Service person. I’ve got it from here.”
WHO UNPLUGGED THE COFFEE MACHINE? was the question heard round the block. Of course, there was no answer. Once plugged in, my 8-oz crema-topped brew was available for the inhaling. The first sip was also accompanied by the reverberations of the Westminster chime from the front doorbell. These were instantly joined by the baying of Egor’s hounds, also known as Twiggy and Tempeste. The toss of a knuckle bone into the soundproof room and a door slam brought the sound of silence to this tortured space. Looking at the front door camera, I see something that looks like an Empire Stormtrooper. “State your business,” was the order through the intercom. “Package for Howell,” came the reply. “Just drop it there.” “Sorry, sir, but it needs a signature.”
With a sigh, the security system shutdown process has begun. The SWAT team needs to be put on standby. A quick text to the leader confirms that status. Also, the flight of A-10 Warthogs must be diverted. Another call to the commander puts that worry to rest. The SEAL team needs to be called off, and a call to the leader makes that possible. The control panel makes the shutdown of the security system process simpler. The boiling oil vats are put on standby, the turret mortars disengaged, the Trebuchet on safety, the concertina wire rolled, the Claymore mines reset, the tower Gatling guns on safety, the moat net dropped, the alligators fed, the IEDs and shoulder-held rockets put away. The Proton torpedoes switched off. The locks on the door are thrown. And the door opened.
“What is a Stormtrooper doing delivering packages?”
“A side hustle. Sign here.”
With formalities finished, the stormtrooper jumps on what looks like a motorcycle with no wheels and is gone. The package has a note from Linda Hill and a package of Sweetarts. The note reads: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “plug.” Use it as a noun, use it as a verb, use it any way you’d like. Have fun!
To see what others have done with the prompt, visit Linda Hill’s post. Here’s the link. https://lindaghill.com/2025/06/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-june-28-2025/
Plug by John W. Howell © 2025
“A stormtrooper?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Oh, I don’t know. People like cartoon characters.”
“Well, there wasn’t one there. Your plug for the readers is admirable.”
“I suppose it is funny in a way.”
“Can you imagine seeing one on your porch?”
“Didn’t stay long.”
“You know how those delivery people are. No time for social interaction.”
“I would tell Linda Hill to stop requesting a signature.”
“Maybe some day.”
“We going to the pub?”
“Duh. What do we do every Saturday? Uber?”
“Right over there.”
“Hey, now we are talking.”
“We can put the top down, but there is just one thing.”
“As usual. What is it?”
“We have to go along on a cross-country road race.”
“Road race to where?”
“Not far.”
“How far?”
“Connecticut.”
“We need a different car.”
“Oh, come on. How many road races have you been on?”
“None.”
“Well, it’s time to plug into the sport. Here’s your helmet. Let’s go.”
“It’ll take us a week.”
“Yup, that’s why I have this cooler of VooDoo Rangers. About a week’s supply, I figure.”
“Unless I decide to drink enough to end my misery.”
“I don’t think there are enough VooDoo Rangerson the planet to do that.”
“Alright, I’m in.”
