Photo by Two Paddles Axe and Leatherwork on Unsplash
This post was originally published on May 10, 2018, but it may still be relevant today. Of course, if you have transferred all your credit cards and access to cash to your phone, this old-timey post won’t mean much unless you forgot your phone. (Which would be like forgetting your arm.)
* * *
This list was inspired by going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?), so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.
10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best, your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness firsthand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu, and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)
9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best, Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. It might be time to leave fast.)
8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, explaining who you are and that you are licensed to driver may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)
7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best, the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager, you can detect discontent behind you, Everley. It might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)
6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin, is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)
5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best, a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He will take your vehicle to the impound lot where, if you are lucky, no one will put another on top of yours.)
4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the store manager has been reprimanded for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team, claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard getaway.)
3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best, the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)
2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best, you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen, and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)
1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best, the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID, you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and not move.)
Today, we are visiting the Community Band concert in the sculpture garden. Aba of Austin caters to us, and in addition to the concert, Sly and the Family Stone provide entertainment.
BRUNCH
MEYER LEMON DROP BISCUITpeach compote, whipped cream
AVOCADO TOASTpomegranate, preserved lemon, mint
KHACHAPURI baked egg, cremini mushroom, graviera, green onion
AÇAÍ BOWLblueberry, banana, pomegranate, dukkah, coconut, mint
SHORT RIB SHAKSHUKA local eggs, spicy harissa, graviera, roasted potato
One knows when the machine is going to function correctly. There are no knocks or pings, and the aroma begins immediately. This knowledge comes from years of experience relying on machines for life-affirming elixir. Today is good in that the liquid pours from the twin spouts like it is happy to see me.
One sip and my mind turns to the clock. It is set for Saturday, October 18, 1924, and the location is the Polo Grounds in New York. The duration is an hour, and when the plunger is pulled, we find ourselves in the stands surrounded by screaming fans.
In one of the most anticipated games of the 1924 college football season, played before 60,000 at the Polo Grounds stadium in New York City, Notre Dame defeated Army, 13 to 7. Nationally syndicated sportswriter Grantland Rice wrote his famous “Four Horsemen” column published in the next day’s newspapers.
The article included the famous lines.”Outlined against a blue-gray October sky,” Rice wrote, “the Four Horsemen rode again. In dramatic lore, they are known as famine, pestilence, destruction, and death. These are only aliases. Their real names are Stuhldreher, Miller, Crowley, and Layden.”
Just as it was time to run on the field, the alarm goes off and we are back on the couch. A text from Linda Hill has this week’s prompt. It reads:
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with ‘kn.’” Find a word that starts with the letters “kn” and use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!
A hydrogen-powered car fueled by sewage and manufactured with various recycled materials may soon attempt to break several land speed records.
The car was built by Warwick Manufacturing Group (WMG) students at the University of Warwick. It will run off a byproduct of wastewater from the utilities company Severn Trent Water.
The Waste2Race Le Mans Prototype race car (LMP3) has been built from a selection of spare and unused parts to further its sustainable street cred in a world little-regarded for its sustainability—motorsport.
The car itself will be used to try to break one of several land speed records depending on how it performs, including the fastest standing and flying starts for both a mile and a kilometer. Its creators hope to have the car fully up and running in the next 6 to 12 months.
The parts themselves come from Ginetta, a British specialist builder of racing and sports cars based in Leeds. Among its green bits and bobs are recycled carbon fiber materials and a wing mirror made from beetroot waste.
The steering wheel is also 100% natural, while the firm ENRG Motorsport contributed a battery recovered from a crashed road car.
“These sorts of collaborations are a great example of how businesses, universities, and the endless curiosity of our students can break barriers and push the boundaries of what’s possible,” said Head of the Sustainable Materials and Manufacturing Research Group at WMG, Professor Kerry Kirwan.
“We’re incredibly proud of the ingenuity of our students and wish them all the best of luck in their land speed record attempt.”
WMG staff and students aim to complete the car in 2025 and use it to showcase a wide range of sustainable concepts being developed across the university and industry.
“We have a firm commitment to support technologies that have positive impacts on our environment, from reducing the process emissions at our sites to developing the circular economy in our region and helping partners like the University of Warwick to realize potentially game-changing new technologies like this,” Richard Walwyn, Head of Asset Intelligence & Innovation at Severn Trent Water, said in a statement.
The project, ‘Waste2Race’, comes as manufacturers such as Alpine and Toyota are exploring hydrogen as a fuel for future racing cars. BMW recently announced plans for its first hydrogen car to go on sale in 2028.
Typically, hydrogen fuels are investigated for their potential to power heavy machinery such as planes, trains, and construction equipment.
The 24 Hours of Le Mans, one of the most famous motorsport events in the world, will open the race to hydrogen fuel cell vehicles in 2026 as a way of greening the event.
The Good News in this story is that motorsport racing is getting serious about carbon emissions. Today’s JohnKu talks about carbon emissions efforts. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
“Is it a contemplation, or are you not feeling well?”
“A little of both, I suppose.”
“Aw. What is bothering you?”
“I think I overate at lunch.”
“I thought you seemed overly hungry.”
“I don’t think it was that.”
“What was it then?”
“I have been wondering why we were put on the Earth. I think the contemplation of that question just got me to a point where I binge ate.”
“Well, I have certainly had that feeling myself.”
“You have?”
“Yes. A while back, I was also wondering what is the ultimate meaning of life?”
“Oh wow. Then I’m not weird.”
“Not at all. I think most thinking beings ask themselves that very thing. Especially in our case, given the way we live.”
“By the way we live, what do you mean?”
“We have to rely on some unfortunate circumstance to happen in order to get a meal.”
“What do you mean by unfortunate?”
“Like today. We would never have had such a beautiful lunch had that raccoon not run under that car.”
“Oh, I get it. We need road kill to survive.”
“Exactly.”
“But I never thought such a thing was unfortunate.”
“No. Then ask our lunch host the next time.”
“Oh, my goodness. I never thought of them. Is there a way to change how we find food?”
“Like become vegans? Don’t make me laugh. We are vultures, and we are destined to eat what has gone before us.”
“So contemplation about such things is not very healthy.”
“Just think of this. If we weren’t here, who would clean up the mess left by a dead animal? Certainly not humans. They can’t seem to pick up a beer can, let alone a skunk.”
“So we have purpose.”
“You bet. And some pretty fine eats.”
“Thanks, you’ve helped me.”
“Good. Feel better?”
“Yeah. Let’s catch a thermal and find another meal.”
This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.
Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself
10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)
9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)
8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)
7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)
6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)
5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)
4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)
3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)
2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)
1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)
A note on the coffee machine held in place by a clip made a heart-stopping announcement: THE MACHINE IS OUT OF ORDER. This is the message from hell. There is no signature and, therefore, no avenue of appeal. How can the machine be out of order? What manner of trickery is this? Who is responsible? All are good questions, followed by the sound of crickets.
There is only one thing left to do before my carbon unit goes into shutdown mode.
A trip to the coffee store is now a matter of life and death. There can be no delay since neurons in my brain are beginning to misfire. One fist won’t open so it is clear before any more symptoms develop, survival demands a shutdown of the security system and quick exit.
The turret machine guns are set to stand by, the boiling oil cauldron tipping mechanism is turned off, and the automated arrow launching pods are unarmed. In addition, the Trebuchet, ballista, and falling rock device are switched to manual. The claymore mines are set to manual, the mote net rolled back, and the concertina wire retracted. The Iron gate is raised, and the bolts are thrown on the front door.
There is a guy standing on the porch with a large carryout container of Dunkin Donuts coffee. “Is that world-famous author J.W. Howell?”
“Uh, I’m J. W. Howell”
“Good. Here’s your coffee.”
I take it in my only functioning hand and thank the man. He nods and then leaves. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, a big sip of the magical liquid brings me back to life. Just as my memory returns, I feel the buzz of an incoming text. It is from Linda Hill and reads: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “clip.” Use it as a noun or a verb, use it any way you’d like. Have fun!
“Did you ever find out what was wrong with the machine?”
“No. I did a self-repair and was good as new by the afternoon.”
“Who put the clip with the note?”
“I have no idea.”
“Who called for the delivery?”
“I know this will sound strange, but I think the machine did.”
“Oh, come on. Machines can’t do that.”
“This one almost seems alive. I haven’t told anyone this, but I lock the kitchen door when I go to bed.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No. I know it sounds nuts, but that thing gives me the willies.”
“Why not get a different one?”
“Cause it makes the best coffee.”
“Yeah, that reminds me of the old joke about the five-dollar-a-day workhand.”
“Haven’t heard it.”
“This farmer has a five dollar-a-day work and who burned all his crops and set fire to the barn and house. When asked if he fired the guy, he said. ‘No.'”
“No? why not?”
“His answer was, ‘Where am I going to get a five-dollar-a-day workhand to replace him.'”
“Good one, Henny Youngman. Order an Uber.”
“Right over there. You have a choice today.”
Photo by Dan Antion
A new FJ40 Toyota Land Cruiser or..”
“Your old 1978 FJ40 Land Cruiser
“Wow, that is a tough choice. In fact, my old FJ brings a tear to the eye.”
“Don’t get carried away. Just choose.”
“I’m choosing the old one.”
“Good. Let’s go. Remember that the old one has a top-end clip of 60 miles an hour, so it will take a little time.”
A note on the coffee machine held in place by a clip made a heart-stopping announcement: THE MACHINE IS OUT OF ORDER. This is the message from hell. There is no signature and, therefore, no avenue of appeal. How can the machine be out of order? What manner of trickery is this? Who is responsible? All are good questions, followed by the sound of crickets.
