This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.

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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)