This post ran on December 24th, 2018. I hope you can enjoy it again.

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This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818, the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel, here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best, the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid contributing to the collection plate being passed by Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. It sure beats a windmill body slam, though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best, most will not understand the message. At worst, a six-foot-seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he will keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best, there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson, the director, is holding his baton in mid-air, waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words, and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best, you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing, as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you do, at best, only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle.)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best, the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour, you are beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best, most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best, the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best, the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)

This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.

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The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)