The inspiration for this list is my three days a week eight-mile ride on the single speed beach cruiser bike which is pictured above. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along and I thought I would share them with you. For those of you who have seen my bike before will recognize the fact that this is a newer version. It is all aluminum, so maybe it won’t rust and collapse under me like the last model. Hope you enjoy the list.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best the hand wave you make to the Hells Angles will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion) will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hells Angles. (Don’t worry he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive.( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a mark down from public lewdness.( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best a couple of  slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation aren’t they Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you, What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best you will get home safely. At worst, your story line development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air you have plenty of time to do the story line huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get half way through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking John?”)