Top Ten Things Not To Do When Visiting the Zoo
10. When visiting the zoo, do not try to get the chimpanzees’ attention by throwing popcorn at them. If you do, at best, they will simply pick up the popcorn and eat it and continue to ignore you. At worst, they will reciprocate by flinging some dark, smelly stuff back at you, causing you and the family to have an uncomfortable ride home, with your shirt covered in chimp poop.
9. When visiting the zoo, do not think that just because the Siberian Leopard kitten is fast asleep, you can simply reach through the bars and scratch its adorable furry little head. If you do, at best, you might merely bruise your arm as you jerk it back when you hear the kitten’s mother roar. At worst, the kitten will wake up and decide to play tug-of-war with your arm while mama gets closer and closer, snarling the whole way.
8. When visiting the zoo, do not throw things into the elephant exhibit just because you think it is fun to watch elephants pick things up with their trunks. If you do, at best, you will be reprimanded by the zoo staff and told to leave the zoo. At worst, you will be tasked with cleaning up the elephant exhibit, which could be a lengthy process since the elephants never forget a litter bug and might think it is fun to pick you up with their trunks.
7. When visiting the zoo, do not try to mimic the Lemurs as they run through their exhibit, catapulting themselves through the air and landing upright on trees. If you do, at best, your efforts will result in some embarrassment and a rash on your bark from you ungracefully sliding down a tree that you tried to leap onto. At worst, the tree you leapt onto will turn out to be inside the Lemur exhibit, causing the Lemurs to see you as a predator and mob you until you are rescued by zoo staff.
6. When visiting the zoo, do not sneak in a pair of roller skates because you made a bet with your best friend that you can get through all the exhibits within an hour. If you do, at best, you will only draw the ire of the other zoo visitors, as they have to jump out of your way to avoid being run over by you. At worst, you might take one of the downhill paths too fast and find yourself nose-to-nose with a rhinoceros in its wading pool at feeding time.
5. When visiting the zoo, do not tap on the glass of the Goliath birdeater exhibit, thinking you can coax the tarantula to where you can see it better. If you do, at best, the tarantula will just hunker down even more, and zoo staff will be compelled to ask you to leave. At worst, before making you go, the staff will insist that you clean the cage of the birdeater, blindfolded with peanut butter on your fingers.
4. When visiting the zoo, do not try to entice a crocodile to open its mouth by holding food out over the fence. If you do, at best, the croc will simply ignore you since it probably is more interested in the Pekingese that someone snuck in. At worst, the croc will leap up and forward to get your hand as well as the treat in it, causing you to dislocate your shoulder as you try to get out of the way without falling over the fence and into the croc’s open mouth.
3. When visiting the zoo, do not think yelling at bears is a good and effective way to get their attention and make them active. If you do, at best, you will simply annoy the other zoo visitors until someone wads up a paper bag and stuffs it in your mouth. At worst, after stuffing the paper bag in your mouth, the other zoo visitors band together and toss you over into the bear exhibit, causing such a commotion that the bears then wake up and become active, thinking you to be a member of a rival clan.
2. When visiting the zoo, do not think that you can hide out until after the zoo closes because you always wanted to see the zoo at night. If you do, at best, you might become very bored very quickly because most of the animals are also done for the night and curled away in their beds. At worst, you try to entertain yourself by climbing trees, pretending to be a monkey, until you realize, much too late, that you’ve flung yourself into the lion exhibit, and since they hunt at night, they are all wide awake and waiting for you.
1. When visiting the zoo, do not try to pretend you are a member of the zoo staff just so you can arrange a close encounter with the zoo’s mascot, a yellow reticulated python named Lemondrop. If you do, at best, you will be found out because you have to keep looking at your badge to remember the name of the staff member from whom you stole the uniform. At worst, you get your close encounter with Lemondrop, who turns out to like you so much that the python can’t help but take you into its burrow to give you a big hug.
