Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt “Arm”

November 11, 2017November 10, 2017 ~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

A day to honor our veterans. I thank you all for your service which has allowed me to participate in and enjoy our country’s freedoms.

It is also Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again and this week’s prompt is “Arm.” We are advised to use it or any word that has “arm” in it. If you would like to participate in this madness visit Linda Hill’s blog and read how. You don’t even have to have normal personality traits to participate. Here is the link. https://lindaghill.com/2017/11/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-11-17/

“So how did you get him to say, “yes?”

“Simple. We arm wrestled, and I won.”

“Just like that? You beat him at arm wrestling, and he told you okay?”

“That’s all it took. No arm-twisting. No arguing, no strong-arm stuff. Just a simple arm wrestle.”

“How did you get him to agree to the contest?”

“It wasn’t too hard.”

“Okay tell me how.”

“I pulled out my firearm and told him I would shoot him if he didn’t arm wrestle me.”

“You told me you didn’t do any strong-arm stuff. What would you call pulling out a firearm?”

“A getting his attention device.”

“So you had the contest and how did it go.”

“Well, there we were pretty much locked in a draw. I could see his arm starting to quiver. I applied a little pressure and he slowly started to slip.”

“This is exciting. Go on.”

“I have this special trick I use. It is a twist of the wrist which gives me an advantage over my opponent.”

“So then you pinned his arm?”

“No, he started a comeback. I could not believe his arm was almost on the table when he started to rise. I could see the sweat breaking out on his forehead and he was grunting. The crowd was starting to chant for him.”

“What did you do?”

“I applied a little more pressure and his rally was over.”

“What kind of pressure?”

“Oh, something small which usually works.”

“What?”

“I pulled the hammer back on my firearm.”

“Cheater.”

“I prefer the term winner.”

2014 in Review – AKA a Visit to the Sydney Opera House

December 30, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 11 Comments

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for Fiction Favorites. I decided to run it and sincerely thank everyone for the 15,000 views this year and to the top commentators. So here it is.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 15,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No No’s Does

January 6, 2014January 4, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 27th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do as New Year’s Resolutions

10. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Exercise Daily” or the word “exercise” anywhere on your list. At best, you will wind up paying for a gym membership you will never use because you always have an excuse not to go. At worst, while trying to cover up your lack of participation to your personal trainer, you will drop a 25-pound weight on your foot, resulting in an injury that uses up most of your sick leave and the remaining days of your gym membership.

9. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include on your list: “Start the [fill in the blank] diet to lose the ten pounds I gained over the holidays.” At best, you’ll only lose a lot of water which, for a few days, may make you look and feel like you lost ten pounds. At worst, the minute you go off the diet, the weight will all come back, two-fold. What was with all that flushing anyway?

8. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not include in your list: “Quit smoking cold turkey.” At best, this item doesn’t apply to you because you don’t smoke. At worst, you do smoke and going cold turkey might get you through five minutes without a puff. Then you will tear through your house, upending the trash as you try to salvage at least one smokeable filter. Of course, even five minutes you don’t smoke is another five minutes your body gets a break.

7. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get organized” anywhere on your list. At best, it’s too vague (it could be mean get organized at work, get your kitchen organized, organize your bookshelf) and you’ll forget it anyway. At worst, you’ll think that you have committed yourself to organizing everything in your life, including your friends’ and families’ schedules, and they will commit you for a having a near-lethal case of OCD.

6. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Read all the books on my To Be Read list.” In the best case, you only have two books on your TBR list and so you now have the whole year to read them. In the worst case, you (like so many of us) have a Leaning Tower of TBR in every room in your house. The only way you’ll get through them all is if you quit your job, quit sleeping and quit taking bathroom breaks (unless your bathroom also serves as a reading room).

5. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not commit yourself to reading every blog you follow every day. Much like item #5, that will only work if, at best, you only follow a couple of blogs. At worst, if you follow more blogs than there are seconds in a day, you may have a worse dilemma than that in #5. Unless you don’t mind taking your iPad or laptop to the toilets with you, bathroom breaks will cost you precious reading time.

4. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not put “Get last year’s NaNoWriMo novel (still in first draft) published in six months” anywhere on your list. At best (and least likely), you’ve already read through your first draft and am pleasantly surprised that it actually makes sense and will need little editing. At worst (and most likely), you’ll find your first draft is just a hodgepodge of random stories and blog posts and any attempt to put it in readable form by the end of the year (much less published) will likely drive you insane.

3. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Save money by not buying books” to your list. Who are you kidding? At best, that resolution will last only until you receive your next Barnes & Noble 20% coupon. At worst, you’ll fill up your e-readers with free e-books until you realize that reading those books in print is much more fun. Before you know it, you will have spent your imagined savings and it’s only week 2 of the New Year.

2. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not add “Learn to do at least one risky activity a month, like sky-diving or bungee-jumping.” At best, you’ll learn about the activity but never get around to doing any of them once you understand the risks and decide life is too short to risk shortening it more. At worst (and if you don’t think life is already too short), you’ll try to make like Nik Wallenda over the Grand Canyon, but without the success.

1. For your New Year’s Resolutions, do not set your resolutions so high that they remain forever out of reach, nor so low that it’s not even worth stooping to find them. Instead, for your New Year’s Resolutions, start each one with “Be grateful for …” Be grateful for your health, for all the great books and bloggers you have to read, for knowing when to live dangerously and when to live vicariously. Be grateful you are here for a New Year.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

November 11, 2013November 9, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

Here is the Nineteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of those who are planning to travel during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

10. If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.

9. While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.

8. If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.

7. If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.

6. If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.

5. When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.

4. When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.

3. When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.

2. When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)

1. When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.

Submission is as Submission Does

January 25, 2013August 1, 2021 ~ John W. Howell

Since I am in the sweaty process of submitting my work to find an agent and/or publisher, I have come across many different kinds of submission policies. Some policies are very simple; send a query letter and we’ll get back in five minutes to tell you that we can’t do you for XYZ reasons.(You can pick one). Some of the policies are very complex; like the Oxford Press Guidelines for Author Submissions, which requires the hiring of a consultant to complete. The simple ones are somewhat merciful, in that, there is not much effort wasted when the results come back unfavorable. Not true with the complex. It takes hours to prepare a submission and then usually a six-week waiting period. (Which generally is more like six months) The whole effort then becomes a killer exercise when the rejection arrives. (Notice I say when) Sometimes there is no response since the agent or publisher only responds to those whose work they want to review more closely. Nicely most of these undercover agents publish this fact on their web site, so for warned is for armed.

Just for fun

For fun I thought I would take the Oxford Press Guidelines (Warning:Very Complex) and pretend I am an agent trying to get the Bible published for the first time. I want to use Oxford as my publisher. The disclaimer here is; this is only fiction and is not intended to be taken seriously. Further disclaimer; I am not on any better speaking terms with this story’s client than anyone else on the planet, therefore I cannot help you with anything. Okay with those disclaimers, here goes:

Guidelines for Author Submissions by Oxford Press USA

The Book

Brief Description – In one or two paragraphs, describe the work, including its rationale, approach, and pedagogy. ?This book is… It does… Its distinguishing features are…?

My Answer: Um…God lays down the law to all of mankind and do it with stories that mankind can understand, so by its nature it is pretty simple.

Outline – A detailed outline of the book should be prepared, including the chapters being submitted for review. This gives us an idea of how the material fits together, and how the remaining chapters will be developed. It should include chapter headings and sub-headings, with explanations as necessary.

My Answer: It goes from the beginning to now with a couple of notes on how the world ends

Outstanding Features List – Briefly what you consider to be the outstanding, distinctive, or unique features of the work.

My Answer: My client tells me that it is his word

Apparatus

Will the book include photographs, line drawings, cases, questions, problems, glossaries, bibliography, references, appendices, etc.?

My answer: My client says,” Nope”

If the book is a text, do you plan to provide supplementary material to accompany it? (Teacher’s manual, study guide, solutions, answers, workbooks, anthology, or other material.)

My Answer: My client says, “I’ll leave the material up to the readers to develop.”

Competition

Consider the existing books in this field and discuss specifically their strengths and weaknesses. Spell out how your book will be similar to, as well as different from, competing works.

My Answer: My client says, “nothing compares.”

Consider what aspects of topical coverage are similar to or different from the competition. What topics have been left out of competing books and what topics have been left out of yours?

My Answer: My client almost left out Adam and Eve which have become pretty interesting characters.

Please discuss each competing book in a separate paragraph. (If possible, please provide us with the publisher and date of publication as well.) This information will provide the reviewers and the publisher a frame of reference for evaluating your material. Remember, you are writing for reviewers and not for publication, so be as frank as possible regarding your competition. Give credit where credit is due, and show how you can do it better.

My Answer: My client says, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.”

Market Considerations

The Primary Market

What is the major market for the book? (Scholarly/professional, text, reference, trade?)

My Answer: Sinners

If this is a text, for what course is the book intended? Is the book a core text or a supplement? What type of student takes this course? What is the level? (Major or non-major; freshman, senior, graduate?) Do you offer this course yourself? If so, how many times have you given it? Is your text class-tested?

My Answer: Core and there will be a bunch of folks teaching eventually

If the market is scholarly/professional, reference, or trade, how may it best be reached? (Direct mail, relevant journals, professional associations, libraries, book or music stores?) For what type of reader is your book intended?

My Answer: Reach by Fire and brimstone meetings. The reader is anyone who needs to be saved.

Status of the Work

Do you have a timetable for completing the book? My Answer: DONE
1. What portion or percentage of the material is now complete?
2. When do you expect to have a complete manuscript?
What do you estimate to be the size of the completed book? My Answer: HUGE
1. Doublespaced typewritten pages normally reduce about one-third when set in type; e.g., 300 typewritten pages make about 200 printed pages. There are about 450 words on a printed page.
2. Approximately how many photographs do you plan to include?
3. Approximately how many line drawings (charts, graphs, diagrams, etc. ) will you need?
4. Do you plan to include material requiring permission (text, music, lyrics, illustrations)? To what extent? Have you started the permissions request process?
Do you plan to class-test the material in your own or other sections of the course? (Any material distributed to students should be protected by copyright notice on the material.)

My Answer: Nope let er rip

Sample Chapters

Select one or two chapters of the manuscript that are an integral part of the book. They should be those you consider the best-written ones, and do not have to be in sequence. For example, you might submit chapters 3, 7, and 14 of a 20-chapter book, so long as these chapters represent the content and reflect your writing style and pedagogy in the best possible light. It is also advisable to submit any chapter that is particularly innovative or unique. Sample chapters should contain rough sketches, charts, hand-written musical examples or xerox reproductions, and description of photographs to be included. The material need not be in final form, although it should be carefully prepared and represent your best work. In your preparation, emphasis should be on readability. Please do not bind your manuscript, as we will have to unbind it in order to make photocopies for reviewers. Also be sure all pages are numbered either consecutively or double-numbered by chapter.

My Answer: I would go with Genesis through Ruth which is attached. When you see the words “Thee and thou,” that means you.

Reviews

If we are interested in your project, we will commission outside reviewers to read and evaluate your proposal. We will, of course, obtain the best available reviewers to consider your work. If you wish to suggest the names of experts in your field whom you believe to be ideally suited to evaluate your proposal, you may provide their names, titles, and email addresses. While we are unlikely to approach these scholars to act as reviewers themselves, we may ask them for their suggestions for peer readers. Naturally, we do not reveal the names of reviewers without their permission.

My Answer: The Devil hates it. The Angles love it. ( I don’t mean LA)

Author Background

Please include a current CV or brief biography of your writing, teaching, and/or educational background and experience. Be sure to list any books that you have previously published, and any other information about yourself on why you are qualified to write this book.

My Answer: In the beginning my client made the Heaven and Earth

Response Time

Please allow at least 6-10 weeks for the manuscript proposal evaluation and review process. We will contact you as soon as we have had a chance to thoroughly examine your manuscript proposal. Thank you for your interest in Oxford University Press. We look forward to reading your materials.

My Answer: Talk to you then. My client is available everywhere.

Sorry for the length of this post. Hope you enjoyed. Have a nice weekend

Rule is as Rule Does

January 22, 2013August 1, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 8 Comments

Rule is as Rule Does

I was doing some research (ahem make that surfing the net) when I came across an article from the Guardian UK describing a number of author provided rules for writing. I have already published Elmore Leonard’s famous ten rules list back in November, but I was taken with the list of Richard Ford; Pulitzer Prize winning author of Independence Day. Here is the list:

1 Marry somebody you love and who thinks you being a writer’s a good idea.

2 Don’t have children.

3 Don’t read your reviews.

4 Don’t write reviews. (Your judgment’s always tainted.)

5 Don’t have arguments with your wife in the morning, or late at night.

6 Don’t drink and write at the same time.

7 Don’t write letters to the editor. (No one cares.)

8 Don’t wish ill on your colleagues.

9 Try to think of others’ good luck as encouragement to yourself.

10 Don’t take any shit if you can possibly help it.

I don’t think Richard warrants that if you follow these rules you will win the Pulitzer Prize for fiction, but you may be a lot happier.

Here is the link if you would like to see other lists by other authors most are quite funny.