April 19th marks the anniversary of the first Boston Marathon, which was run in 1897. This is an event that we all would like to see. If you decide to jump on the time travel train, please take this list to ensure you don’t put a big ole tear in the time continuum. All aboard.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Boston marathon.

10 If you go, do not think you can sneak into the race and be lost in the thousands of participants. If you do, at best you’ll double think your decision. At worst, you will be noticed immediately by the judges since there are only fifteen participants. (You have a choice Lucian. Pay the entry fee or drop out. That policeman over there is going to make sure you choose one or the other.)

9 If you go, do not try to tell Tiny the WWF champ that the 24.5-mile course he has laid out should be 26.2 miles. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, who just finished his remedial math training, will think he’s made a math error and needs to cover it up. (There was no error, Lucius. The course distance was determined by a committee. It was changed to 26.2 miles in 1908.  This is not going to help you now that Tiny has decided you need to be silenced. I’m sure he will let you out of that barrel once the race is over.)

8 if you go, do not suggest that the race be held on a Sunday. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worse, you’ll make that suggestion in earshot of the Boston Bishop. (Sundays are sacrosanct here in Boston, Lukas. The race was designed to be held on Patriots Day, which commemorates the beginning of the Revolutionary War. If Patriot’s Day fells on a Sunday, then the race was held on Monday. It took until 1969 for Patriot’s Day to be established as the third Monday of April. All this is well and good but too late to prevent you from being declared a heretic.)

7 If you go, do not mention the under the two-hour finish of Kenyan marathoner Eliud Kipchoge in 2019. If you do, at best, folks will think you have been drinking. At worst, you’ll mention it to John Mc Dermott, the winner who finished at 2:55:10. (Now John is wondering where you came from Lionel. Telling him Kipchoge’s time was 1:59:40 won’t stop him from the nose punch that is heading your way. in fact that info might just speed it up.)

6 If you go, do not wear the freebee Gateraid T-shirt that you scored at the Micky Mouse marathon last year. If you do, at best, it is under your sweatshirt. At worst, John Graham, the first Olympic team manager, and Boston Athletic Association member, will want to know all about it. (Now you are in a fine kettle of fish, Luciano. How are you going to explain sponsorships since the first did not start until the 1980s? Better think fast, cause Graham doesn’t look like a guy who suffers fools lightly.)

5 If you go, do not ask about the Red Sox baseball game that usually accompanies a marathon event. If you do, at best, no one will understand what you are talking about. At worst, the organizers will think you are trying to take over the event. (Although it is a tradition for the Boston Red Sox to play a game before each marathon, they didn’t start doing it until 1903. It looks like you have created quite a stink, Leif. Tell em you lost your head there for a moment.)

4 If you go, do not ask about the lack of women participants. If you do, at best you’ll get a “What are you thinking?” look. At worst, the Boston Athletic Association will take you for a sufferage militant. (Those big Policemen over there, Lennon are just waiting for orders to clap you in irons. The first woman did not officially participate in the Boston marathon until 1972. Nina Kuscsik became the first official female participant to win the Boston Marathon in 1972.)

3 If you go, don’t mention running in a costume. If you do at best, you’ll get a laugh or two. At worst, you’ll be banned from the city. (The idea of running in costume did not become popular until Gary Fanelli did it as Elwood Blues, Dan Aykroyd’s character from The Blues Brothers, in 1981. Since he was successful, the idea caught on. Don’t try to tell the marathon organizers this fact, Ludwig. You may end up in a padded room.

2 If you go, do not ask the organizers if they allow bandits. If you do, at best, they will think you are talking about bandannas. At worst, someone will call the sheriff. (You know that bandits are unregistered runners that were tolerated, Lenny. Although not forbidden bandit runners have been discouraged since 2015. I think I would try an exit strategy since that sheriff’s deputy looks like he has no sense of humor at all.

1 If you go, do not wear your Hoka One One Carbon X running shoes and your Lululemon running suit. If you do, at best people will stare. At worst, someone will yell “Alien,” and your day is over. (A cardinal rule is to fit in, Langston. The running gear of the day should look like you are in your underwear and wearing combat boots. Yes, now that is more like it.)

On April 12, 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded what became the declaration of independence for the new rock and roll style of music. This is the kind of event that we need to visit. If you go, please take the list with you so that we can witness the recording without causing a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Recording of Bill Haley and the Comet’s Rock Around the Clock.

10 If you go, do not light your bic as if you are at a concert. If you do, at best, someone will point out the no-smoking sign. At worst, since Bic lighters weren’t invented until 1972, you might get a few stares. (Also, Leonard the tradition of holding up candles began at Woodstock in August of 1969. The singer Melanie wrote a song titled “Candles in the Rain,” and while she was singing at Woodstock, the hillsides were filled with people and lit candles. It continued from there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can play Tamborine. If you do, At best, Tiny won’t know the word Tamborine. At worst, Tiny, who flunked out of music school and is now a part-time guard will want to play the Tamborine himself. (Don’t worry, Lucian. That flight of stairs that Tiny is going to toss you down has a landing on the first floor. Maybe you can control your descent somehow.)

8 If you go, do not point out that the group is recording the wrong song. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the producer will offer to help you out by asking, “How did you get in?” (The song that took so many takes is titled “Thirteen Women.” “Rock Around the Clock was recorded in two takes after Thirteen Women was finished. Oh, you never heard of Thirteen Women. You are not alone, Lucius.)

7 If you go, do not complain that the instrumentals are so loud you can’t hear the vocals. If you do, at best, the producer will send you out for coffee. At worst, since there is only enough studio time left for one more take, the Producer will lose his cool. (I would stay out of the way Lukas. The producer is going to do the vocals over and hope for the best. In fact, he is hoping the guy doing the final mix can save the mess somehow. Yes, he has a knife. I think you’d better be quiet now.)

6 If you go, do not ask who is doing the guitar solo. If you do, at best, you’ll be told it’s handled. At worst, the soloist Danny Cedrone is standing right next to you. (Good thing Danny is a nice guy, Lionel. Since he was only paid $31 to riff perhaps the greatest guitar solo he might have been a little grumpier)

5 If you go, do not mention you saw the movie, Blackboard Jungle, and the tune was playing over the opening credits. If you do, at best the band will think you are drunk. At worst, they will wonder what you are smoking and want some. (Rock around the clock did, in fact, play over the opening credits of Blackboard Jungle in the spring of 1955. The movie starred Glen Ford, who was introduced to the song by his 10-year-old son, Peter. Where was the song, Luciano? On the B side of the record Thirteen Women. That’s where.)

4 If you go, do not ask the Decca engineer what he is doing. If you do, at best he’ll tell you to get lost. At worst, he will find you annoying and call the police. (You see, Leif. It is his job to put the instrumentals and vocals together into something that sounds like Rock Around the Clock. He painstakingly spliced together the two recordings. This was something that was not done in that day and age.)

3 If you go, do not make bets with anyone on how many records Rock Around the Clock will sell. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worst, everyone will wonder how you know and how you can prove the number. (Okay, Lennon, Rock Around the Clock sold 25 million copies. Now you tell me how you can show that on the day it was recorded. I think you better just hit the backdoor and forget it.)

2 If you go, don’t ask the band why they are late. If you do, at best, the session will start before you are heard. At worst, your question will be like salt in a wound. (The band got delayed because the ferry they were taking from Philadelphia to New York got stuck on a sandbar. I think I would just stop asking questions Ludwig.)

1 If you go, do not tell Bill Haley that he will be performing at a command performance for Queen Elizabeth. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will wonder what scam you are trying to pull. (So, you let slip the fact that Bill Haley and the Comets played at a command performance in November of 1979, Lenny. I think you should tell Bill you were just kidding.)