I have listened to folks complain about their neighbors. Most of them would like a violent end to the misery.  So I developed this list, which might be helpful in avoiding any unpleasantness when it comes to dealing with the situation. Also, this week in history is all about who won elections, so maybe this diversion will be welcome.

Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Disruptive Neighbor.

10 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not try to out disrupt them. If you do, at best, they’ll take your action as a compliment. At worst, they will step up their disruptiveness as a one-up game. (That horn you blew at 2:00 a.m.seems tame compared to the explosion your neighbor set off at 3:00 huh, Jerrold?)

9 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ to go and talk some sense into them. If you do, at best, your neighbor and Tiny will only talk. At worst, Tiny, who was just released from his anger management treatment, will take offense to your neighbor’s insults. (I hope you are prepared to explain that pile of rubble where your neighbor’s house used to be, Jervis. I can see the sheriff pulling into your driveway.)

8 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not think playing the noise coming from their house you recorded will have an effect on them. If you do, at best, they will ignore it. At worst, you will have given them an idea. (I hope you like those noise recordings that play 24/7, Jerzy. I know I like Judis Priest’s music at 4:00 a.m.)

7 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not call the police unless they are doing something illegal. If you do, at best, the police will not show up. At worst, the police will give you a ticket for filing a false complaint. (Looks like the minute the police arrived, Jesstin, the neighbors caught a case of the quiets. Now you have really made some friends.)

6 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not run your lawnmower at dawn. If you do, at best, your neighbor doesn’t mind lawnmowing. At worst your neighbor works the graveyard shift and isn’t home. (So there you are, Jestin, lawn all done and your nice new property owner’s association fine for excessive noise.)

5 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not install 25 windchimes in your yard. If you do, at best, your neighbor likes them and installs 26 in his. At worst, you and your family are driven to a deep psychotic break down due to the tinkle of the chimes. (On top of that, Jiri, your Feng Shui is all messed up due to the cacophony of sounds. No wonder you are off-balance)

4 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not set up a giant stage and advertise your place as the next Woodstock. If you do, at best, you may actually go down in history as Woodstock II. At worst, you’ll have a bunch of drunken rockers in your back yard. (The bad news is, Jiro, your neighbors are leading the charge.)

3 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not sign them up for massive amounts of junk mail. If you do, at best, they don’t read their mail anyway. At worst, because of all the junk mail they receive, they are the winners of the $5000.00 a week for life give-a-way. (Lucky you, Joakim, they just bought a new sound system with six speakers on the outside.)

2 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not send all the door to door solicitors to your neighbor’s house with a promise that your neighbor loves whatever the solicitor is offering. If you do, at best, your neighbor won’t catch on. At worst, your neighbor will place orders with each solicitor in your name. (Some of the stuff you can use, Jody, but that week retreat with the sons of Satan may be a problem.)

1 If your neighbor is disruptive, do not plant a for sale sign in their front yard. If you do, at best they’ll never see it. At worst, a drop in looker gives them cash for their house. (Yes you got rid of them, Jobe, but check out to whom they sold the place. We don’t know them but the adult bull elephant in the back yard might be a tip-off that you are now worse off.)