The golf cart has become a significant form of transportation here in Lakeway. Mainly because the town was built around several golf courses. This post originally ran on December 4, 2017. Since I see golf carts everywhere, I think it is still valid.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best, you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street, right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny, the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class, to yield to you. If you do, at best, you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware with you on it. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail, don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best, you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels, all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best, you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you, along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen-wheeler could go that fast, did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before the lift, did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best, the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing-room-only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best, you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The cart store proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best, your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best, you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are, in fact, running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display several flags. If you do, at best, folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that the “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique, don’t you, Cydney?)

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated several houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best, you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors, especially if they are named Tiny, the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best, you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbor’s living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best, you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best, you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in, you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once, huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out-decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best, you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst, your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best, there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings, doesn’t it? Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best, there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next-door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do, at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best, they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse, the blow-up machine could get a short, and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best, your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)