The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were very pleased that she went to the eye doctor and so we were passive listening to the blow by blow of the visit.

Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best you’ll have to take the test again. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that will render you sightless.  (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand huh, Ferd?)

9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better one or two? If you do, at best you’ll get a third choice which doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll be spending the afternoon going through the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (Makes you wonder why you are so fussy huh, Buford?)

8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at worst you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny the WWF champ stepping off the curb.(Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)

7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor will have to call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu huh, Pard?)

6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast right now right, Slick?)

5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need as far as a prescription goes. If you do, at best the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that  stall, Slug.)

4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a couple of drinks before. If you do, at best the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you isn’t it, Putz?)

3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best you’ll realize it’s your face that is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)

2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within the budget of your insurance. If you do, at best you get a half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle aren’t you, Pal)

1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about having to go to stronger lenses. If you do, at best you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at isn’t it, Bunky?)