Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

Top Ten Things not to Do


The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were very pleased that she went to the eye doctor and so we were passive listening to the blow by blow of the visit.

Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best you’ll have to take the test again. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that will render you sightless.  (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand huh, Ferd?)

9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better one or two? If you do, at best you’ll get a third choice which doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll be spending the afternoon going through the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (Makes you wonder why you are so fussy huh, Buford?)

8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at worst you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny the WWF champ stepping off the curb.(Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)

7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor will have to call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu huh, Pard?)

6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast right now right, Slick?)

5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need as far as a prescription goes. If you do, at best the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that  stall, Slug.)

4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a couple of drinks before. If you do, at best the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you isn’t it, Putz?)

3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best you’ll realize it’s your face that is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)

2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within the budget of your insurance. If you do, at best you get a half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle aren’t you, Pal)

1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about having to go to stronger lenses. If you do, at best you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at isn’t it, Bunky?)


  1. I never realized until now getting their eyes tested was so difficult for some people like the poor guy at the top. Probably I’ll have my turn after someone like that next time. Heaven help anyone who bumps their car into Tiny. After they get out of the ICU and can open their eyes again, they’ll have to have another eye test. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Ha ha ha. What hoot! Suzanne. 🙂

  2. I always have trouble deciding which is better. I normally have tests on visits to UK – I haven’t had the courage to try it in French.

    1. Quel est le meilleur, un ou deux 😀

  3. LOL. I needed this for this “new time policy” Monday John. Thank you. Hmmm… Maybe a list about micro management? They’re demanding we use 4 forms of monitoring and account for every minute of the day, every movement.
    But, maybe I just can’t read the policy. LOL.
    This was a riot though. “run into a rhinoceros” gotta love Tiny. “Group therapy…” 😀
    I was writing about my ridiculous experience here… and saw that it was a blog post. Delete!
    Have a marvelous Monday. Mega hugs.

    1. Always love to have your perspective. Don’t forget to record the minutes of personal time for reading and writing even though you are not on the clock as yet. :-D. How about Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Manager?

      1. Haha! In your hands, that would be hysterical.
        (It seems like they’re more interested in our physical movements, rather than how much time is spent on whatever task. Change your status every time you get up from your desk (literally). In meeting, out of meeting… Is there an option for “Gone to pee?”
        I’ve been saying that prison anklets would be a lot cheaper than the additional monitoring systems they’re customizing and installing (and paying contractors to create and then maintain). They could get a bulk rate on the anklets. They might as well, if they treat us like felons. It would be a lot less trouble for us, than logging every movement in four different ways. Okay… I’ll get off my Julia Sugarbaker soapbox.

      2. If you were treated like a felon you would get an hour of exercise a week and three square meals a day. Might not be a bad deal.

  4. Gwen Plano · ·

    This was hilarious…absolutely loved the list. “at best you’ll realize that it’s your face that is the problem”?? OMG! LOL

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks Gwen. Glad you liked it. 😀

  5. Oh my gosh! These got more and more funnier as I went down the list. Great job, John!

    1. Thank you, Jill. 🙂

  6. Which feels better, Tiny’s right fist or his left fist? Good list, John. I remember not wanting to step into progressive lenses. “Would you rather have trifocals or would you prefer carrying three pairs of glasses around?”

    1. I tried bi vocals once and kept falling over things. I carry three. Thanks Dan.

  7. Great list. I’ve never been offered those glasses for dilation though. Hardest part with that is reading my phone. It never goes well. Need to remember that garlic bread rule too.

    1. They ought to offer a white cane as well. Thanks, Charles. 😀

      1. Or a free ride home. 😀

      2. Or a voucher for the pizza place next door.

      3. They serve beer.

  8. I need to go back fairly soon, so these tips are useful. I put it off because it’s a time taker.

    1. I find most medical visits are a time taker. Important thought. Thanks, Craig.

  9. John, I think you’ve captured pretty much every issue I have with going to the eye doctor (well, except for the garlic and drinking … I book my appointments for early am so at worst, they’ll just have to hear my stomach growl because I’m hungry). I get so frustrated with the “one or two” tests, I want to scream, “They’re all blurry!!!!!”

    1. Ha ha ha. The one two gets me every time. Thanks, Marie.

      1. They asked me about 18 times to say when I could “see the window.” It was a green hill… why would there be a window in the hill? After 20 times I could finally see a house…if not the windows. o_O

      2. Ha ha ha. I can imagine.

  10. I hate the one, tow bit…. Thanks for making me laugh about eyes, John – I’m going in for cataract surgery this week! 😛

    1. Oh my goodness, Jan. Best wishes.

      1. Thanks – I hate anything touching my eyes (why I can’t wear contacts) so this has helped me try to ‘relax’. Laughter is the best medicine and my sight is much more important than my phobias, so a nice little laugh like this is just what the doctor ordered! 😉

  11. Just in time – I have my eye appt on Wednesday.

    1. OOOOH lucky you. Behave.

  12. Well done, good sir! I can relate!

  13. My eyes deteriorated to the point where I could no longer read. I complained to my eye doctor about this and he was at best sympathetic. A year later, I went in again but this time an intern saw me first. She had me try to read a card and when I couldn’t she attached an extra pair of lenses on my glasses. Voila! I discovered reading glasses. Why it took a year….?

    1. Ha ha ha. Seemed too obvious maybe.

  14. I have been a myopic-cum-astigmatic for thirty years now. Can’t contend with some of those cosmic truths!

  15. I think most of us can relate to this Top 10.

    I hate the “which looks better, 1 or 2?” And the little puff of air they shoot into your eye. Since I don’t go back for a year, I had a good laugh over this 🙂

    1. Me too. (for a year)

  16. Very handy, John. I too have my eye doctor visit scheduled this spring, so I’m going to have to commit this list to memory. I’ll let you know if I sideswipe Tiny, ha!

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks Debbie. One or two?

      1. 😉 Always a choice, huh?!

      2. Yes. I would tell the doc they look the same.

  17. Four years ago I took my 10 year old son to the eye doctor and he couldn’t read the third line from the chair. I nearly fell over and felt like mom of the year. 😦 Trying on 100 different frames to realize it’s just my face…is similar to taking a sefie. 😉

    1. Ha ha ha. We had the same issue with our youngest. Really makes you feel lousy.

      1. I must have cried for a week, everytime I remembered.

      2. I know right. It was one of those things that parent just doesn’t know.

  18. A half pair of glasses…That made me laugh out loud. These Top Ten lists of yours are always a guaranteed laugh!

    1. Thank you, Jan 😀

    1. Thanks, Jessica. Glad you liked it.

  19. The problem I have is finding the place to have my eyes tested. I need glasses to read the store signs. Telling the assistant in the chiropodist place that I’d come to have my eyes tested caused a few heads to pop up and look at me strangely. 😳

    1. Then they fitted your toes with a pair of specs.

      1. Only after drawing a face on my left big toe. The right one didn’t need specs. 😀

      2. Ah, lucky right.

  20. Thankfully I’ve never been to an eye doctor, but when that day comes, I now feel prepared.

    1. Hope you like dogs. Ha ha ha. (hint: service animal)

      1. LOL. I do have a dog, but I’m pretty sure she would be useless as a service animal. She would probably bleed be right into traffic.

      2. I’m just saying.

  21. Great post, John. I just did a tandem eye appointment with my nine-year-old and spent 20 minutes consoling her after the unexpected puff of air from the glaucoma test machine caused her to cry (her eyes out). I left with a $23 pair of glasses for my daughter and a high tech progressive/HD lens prescription for me that cost almost $500 (with insurance) and has me tilting my head all over the place just to see where to put the key in the car.

  22. Which reminds me I’m a bit overdue for my eye exam. My eyes always get blurry scrolling through that crazy eyepiece they put on your eyes to start the exam. By the time I get to the chart I’m so mixed up and blurry it’s a wonder I’m not declared legally blind!

    I need reading glasses cause the smaller fonts are getting harder to read. Like you I can’t walk in the progressive glasses without tripping and stumbling so I carry a pair or two or three with me all the time. 🙂

    1. Ha ha ha. I’m glad there are two of us. 😀

  23. Cute. But, as a 27 year veteran Ophthalmic tech, I have my own list of top ten things NOT to do at the Eye Doctor’s Office ( if you want to make friends with the old dogs there)
    10) Don’t complain about the paperwork. We hate it as much as you do and have heard the same complaint 10,000 times. (Write your congressman)
    9) Please don’t try to conduct the exam from the chair yourself, using such pharses as “I have mascular degeneration and a stigma, so you need to be sure and do….”
    8) Please don’t take offense to the government regulated questions we are required (and loathe) to ask about your social habits such as smoking, alcohol consumption, drug abuse and (my personal favorite) “Do you live alone”? I get some interesting responses to that one.
    7) Don’t leave out health information because ‘it doesn’t matter because this is my eyes’ Many health issues affect the eyes and also eye exams can help identify health issues you may not be aware of, such as diabetes or even impending stroke.
    6) Don’t complain that we check your vision ‘every time I come in’ as this is a necessary tool in determining whether your problem is detrimental to your vision and those you may run into. (Eye infections DO cause significant blurring at times)
    5) Don’t try to be smarter than the refractionist. When asked which is clearer, 3 or 4, there really are only two choices. Responding ‘2 was better’ will not help. There are always only TWO choices. We only change the numbers to avoid those folks who think always choosing ‘2’ will automatically give them a better prescription.
    4) Don’t cringe at every machine, asking if this the “puffer” test, something that has apparently become the Urban Legend of ophthalmology. It is a once commonly used method of testing intraocular eye pressure but only a handful of eye docs still use this instrument. I am also awed by the fact that it freaks people out more to have air puffed at their eye than to have it actually numbed and touched, which is the preferred and most common method of pressure testing, ie “Look at the blue light”
    3) Don’t say you have no health problems then hand the technician a list of meds as long as your forearm., looking perpkexed when they say, ” So you have diabetes?” Taking a pill does not make the disease non existent.
    2) Don’t ask the technician to give you a prognosis. It is not their job and most doctors want to do that themselves. It is awkward to hedge and then you will end up feeling that something is REALLY wrong.
    1) Don’t take offense to us having to bury our heads in a computer. We ‘oldsters’ hate the new electronic records system. I am seriously about real interaction with patients and hate spending so much time typing and categorizing over 6 screens what used to fit onto one paper page, front and back if needed.
    Enjoy your visit to the eye doctor, knowing that this is what some of us have done forever and we truly love helping another person to see better!

    1. Thank you for your additional list. I’m sure my readers will find it useful and importantly if followed perhaps behave better at the eye doctor.

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