Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 16, 2013December 12, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling With a Cat

10. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick. Take it for a short spin first. Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast. At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier. At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8. When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out. At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of being to do so directly into your ear. At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7. When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board what you know is a non-pet-friendly train. Just because you’ve trained your cat to lay across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled. One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do. Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is at best annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested. At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post. At best, you’ll simply be admonished by the conductor to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7). At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors and needle and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you. While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will. In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board. In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint. At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan. At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that. Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal. In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket. For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship and what she comes across may just catch her instead. For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Shopping Is as Shopping Does

December 11, 2013December 10, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

Animated sequence of a race horse galloping. P... — Animated sequence of a race horse galloping. Photos taken by Eadweard Muybridge (died 1904), first published in 1887 at Philadelphia (Animal Locomotion). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wednesday seems like a good day to tell a little story. I was thinking on what to post today and I tumbled a few ideas around in my head.(Nice thing there isn’t much in there to get in the way) I thought I would come up with a holiday story, but right now it is a little too far away for the story to have the same meaning. I also considered doing one of those surprise ending – mystery – type things, but felt the holidays were a little too close for something macabre. So, I settled on what you see here. It is a story of a guy caught trying to enter a department store with a horse while doing some holiday shopping. It’s titled Me and my Pal and I hope you like it.

“Excuse me sir, but you can’t bring that animal into the store.”

“This so called animal happens to be a thorough bred horse.”

“Yeah I can see that, but you still can’t have it in the store.”

“Why not? He’s housebroken and cleaner than a lot of the folks I see in here. He wiped his feet before coming through the door.”

“He just may be cleaner, but he is still an animal and animals are not allowed.”

“What about service animals? Would you deny the entrance of a seeing eye dog for example?”

“No sir. We would not. Clearly your horse is not a service animal.”

“Oh but he is.”

“Sure sir. Your horse is a service animal. What service if I may be so presumptuous as to ask?”

“He is a gift horse.”

“A what?”

“A gift horse.”

“Okay I give, what is a gift horse?”

“A horse with the smarts to tell you when you have the right gift.”

“Sir I am going to have to ask you to step outside before I call security.”

“No I mean it. Watch I’ll show you. See this gift set of cologne, powder, and moisturizer?”

“Yeah I see it so what?”

“Well here. I’ll just pick it up and show it to the gift horse and ask if it is the right gift. The horse will nod his head yes if it is right and stomp his foot if wrong.”

“How does he know who the gift is for?”

“Oh that’s easy. I just tell him.”

“You tell him?”

“Yeah watch. I’ll hold this set under his nose and call him by My Pal. That’s his name.”

“Uh okay.”

“My Pal, does this look like a good gift for Judy?”

“He is stomping his foot.”

“See it means it is not the right gift.”

“Okay I have had enough. I need you and My Pal here to go outside.”

“Wait I have one more. My Pal, see this hundred-dollar bill? Would it make the right gift for this nice department store employee so you and I can continue shopping?”

“He is nodding yes. . . Did I hear you say he was housebroken?”

Liar Is as Liar Does – Results

December 6, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Well it is time for Five Truths and a Lie the results section. To review I told a lie on Wednesday and five truths. You can go here to review: http://wp.me/p2Qoij-TH

Here are three of the six stories and the results of the three:

Story Number One. As a young boy growing up in the city of Detroit I was chosen along with five of my class mates to appear on TV in a local version of “Quiz Kids.” The competition was fierce, but our team did not win the event. We rang the buzzer too slowly and did not get to answer the final question which was a tiebreaker. The story is TRUE

It was heartbreaker. The buzzer was being covered by one of the bigger kids. For some reason his brain went off to Wyoming when it came time to hit the buzzer. The girl sitting next to him finally pounded his hand to buzz in. The only way we could win would be if the other team failed to answer the question. Fat chance of them missing since the question was one that everyone on the planet could answer. “How do you detect the presence of starch in food?” The answer, “add iodine.” Sheesh.

Story Number Two. I earned the Eagle Scout award when I was younger than the minimum age limit. I went to scout camp in the summer after the award was finally made. One of the councilors challenged my authorization to wear the award patch on my uniform since he thought I was too young. I demonstrated my ability by organizing a raid on his bunk which resulted in him hanging, wrapped, and upside down in a large a tree. The troop settled for ice cream in exchange for cutting him down. The Story is TRUE

The councilor told my mom he had the greatest time ever. My mom was not pleased with the story. Since not being pleased was becoming a full-time condition, it all blew over. I still chuckle at the vision of the mummy-like figure slowly twisting in the wind calling for help.

Story Number Three. While in high school the family moved out of the inner city into the suburbs. As a sophomore it was difficult to make friends especially since I was more city type (black Levis, t-shirt and jacket) versus the suburban type. (Khaki slacks and button downs) There were a number of social and service clubs I was interested in joining. One after the other I was told membership was filled. Since all applications and rejections were reviewed by the school administration, I was called into the counselor’s office and asked if there were any of these applications that needed to be forced. (Laws required nondiscrimination) I told him that I really didn’t want to join these anyway. He suspected I was lying, (which I was) but could do nothing more. I figured being forced would cause more harm than good. Long story short, I founded a club that had over one hundred members and became one of the most popular. In fact it was so popular that had I not founded it I probably wouldn’t have been a member. The story is TRUE

I found five people who would talk to me and organized them into a service club. We did some good deeds and word got around. We also had some academic chops so we attracted some BMOC’s for the tutorial help. As the club matured we also got into some serious party-time fun. The school suspended the club for a term for having too much fun. Membership exploded.

The rest on Sunday. Have a great Friday.

Liar Is as Liar Does

December 4, 2013November 29, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

I read and tried to guess which was which when Aussa Lorens on 22 November 2013 posted five truths and a lie. I was wrong with my guess on which one was truth in her life. I did have to admit after the process the truth is stranger than fiction. In the course of commenting back and forth Aussa asked when I was going to do one. I told her I had to set it up and it might take months. I was lying of course since it is here today Wednesday.

Here is how it works. I will tell six stories about myself and one of them is a bald face lie. If you choose to play you can guess which one is the lie. The correct entries will be put into a giant hat and I will pull them out and publish your correctness on the results post. If no one responds I will just give the results and cry to myself in my lonely garret. I wanted to award a new car or boat, but right now I need to sell a million books to do that.

Story Number One.

As a young boy growing up in the city of Detroit I was chosen along with five of my class mates to appear on TV in a local version of Quiz Kids called . The competition was fierce, but our team did not win the event. We rang the buzzer too slowly and did not get to answer the final question which was a tiebreaker.

Story Number Two.

I earned the Eagle Scout award when I was younger than the minimum age limit. I went to scout camp in the summer after the award was finally made. One of the councilors challenged my authorization to wear the award patch on my uniform since he thought I was too young. I demonstrated my ability by organizing a raid on his bunk which resulted in him hanging, wrapped, and upside down in a large a tree. The troop settled for ice cream in exchange for cutting him down.

Story Number Three.

While in high school the family moved out of the inner city into the suburbs. As a sophomore it was difficult to make friends especially since I was more city type (black Levis, t-shirt and jacket) versus the suburban type. (Khaki slacks and button downs) There were a number of social and service clubs I was interested in joining. One after the other I was told membership was filled. Since all applications and rejections were reviewed by the school administration, I was called into the counselor’s office and asked if there were any of these applications that needed to be forced. (Laws required nondiscrimination) I told him that I really didn’t want to join these anyway. He suspected I was lying, (which I was) but could do nothing more. I figured being forced would cause more harm than good. Long story short, I founded a club that had over one hundred members and became one of the most popular. In fact it was so popular that had I not founded it I probably wouldn’t have been a member.

Story Number Four

I went off to college and believed I would make a good veterinarian. I loved animals and could not imagine a more worthy career. The first term in vet school found me up late at night babysitting a very sick goat. The goat needed surgery and the vet finished the task. My job was to walk the goat around so the anesthesia could be naturally dispersed. If the goat lay down it could ultimately suffer from a bloated condition that could be fatal. I walked the goat for more than eight hours and did some serious thinking. That night alone with the goat made me realize I was not really prepared to deal with life and death decisions over these gentle creatures. The goat did survive, but I decided to make a change. I changed majors at the end of the term.

Story Number Five

When I was getting ready to graduate from the university I began the process of interviewing for a job. A number of companies interviewed right at the school and so I signed up for about thirty or so. I was talking to a company which manufactured office furniture. All was going well until I complimented the person on the quality of their clocks. As can happen doing a number of interviews I had the wrong company. Their names were the same, but one did clocks and one did furniture. The furniture guy was not pleased to talk intelligently only to discover the person he thought would be right for the job was an idiot.

Story Number Six

I graduated from college and went to work for a famous consumer products company. (Yes I survived the interview process) My job was to introduce new products and maintain share of established brands in my assigned territory. I would visit grocery stores, drug stores, and mass merchants to represent the company brands. I worked diligently and was recruited away by another company. The observed presentation causing the recruiter to believe I was the right choice involved swallowing tic tacs telling the buyer before “if you don’t say yes to this order I have some cyanide I will need to take since my boss will kill me anyway.” It only worked from a humor point of view.

Okay which story is true and which is a lie. Let me know.

Friday Catcher Is as Friday Catcher Does

November 22, 2013November 15, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Friday is here. This is a very good thing. I decided in celebration of Friday I would write a very short story about the day. It is in the dialog set that I have been working with lately, so here goes. I hope you like it.

“So what is that thing you got there?”

“It is a Friday catcher.”

“A what?”

“Friday catcher. You heard of a dream catcher right?”

“Well yeah, but never a Friday catcher. How’s it work”

“You put this thing above your bed the night before you want Friday to arrive and then go to sleep.”

“What happens?”

“You wake up and it’s Friday morning.”

“Like the next day?”

“Yeah. Like the next day. Duh.”

“I want to try it.”

“Okay, but make sure you are ready for whatever Friday brings.”

“Waddaya mean?”

“Let’s say it’s Monday night and you want the next day to be Friday. Let’s also say you have a project due on Friday. You just have to make sure you do the project before you use the Friday catcher.”

“Oh I get it. Give it to me I want to use it tonight. I can’t stand Wednesday’s and would like to wake up tomorrow on Friday.”

“Call me when you get up.”

“Will do. See ya.”

***

“Hello this is Helen Baxter. Is this Frank?”

“Uh yes this is Frank.”

“My husband was talking some wild stuff about a Friday thingy that you gave him.”

“Yes I gave him a Friday catcher. What’s the problem?”

“He’s gone.”

“Gone. What do you mean gone?”

“ He went to sleep last night with that thing hanging on the headboard and when I got up he’s missing and so’s the thing.”

“Oh yeah. . . He’ll be back Friday.”

“Friday? Do you know where he went?”

“Not really, but since this is Wednesday and he wanted to wake up on Friday, I assume he is sleeping somewhere.”

“What the hell do you mean somewhere?”

“Where ever the time goes between Wednesday and Friday that’s where he is. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘I don’t know where the time goes?’ Well I sure don’t know either. Where ever it is, your husband is there. Is it clear? Hello Mrs. Baxter. You still there? Hello.”

Work Week is as Work Week Does

November 1, 2013October 27, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 11 Comments

The New Yorker (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday at last. I don’t know about you, but I have had a grueling week. I finished up a couple of short stories for submission to several magazines. Never know if they will be accepted, but since I am planning an anthology of them, nothing is ever wasted. In the anthology I don’t believe I will have to give a disclaimer that “this story was rejected by the New Yorker,” or anything like that. So it really doesn’t matter if the story gets published or not, since I will be able to use it one way or another.

I am also still working on editing my second novel. I won’t bore you with the fact that my first is still with the publisher and no date of release as yet. WTF. . . it is a good thing I made my fortune in freeze-dried tacos* because if I relied on book sales to eat I would be a very skinny guy indeed. Right now I am going through the entire text with the idea of eliminating certain words that are the hallmark of an amateur. These are the kinds of words that have the effect of slowing the action or at the least, making strong sentences very weak. So that you may benefit from my pain, here are the words that I am eliminating while choosing other ways to complete the thought that I am trying to project. The are: about, actually, almost, like, appears, approximately, basically, close to, even, eventually, exactly, finally, just, just then, kind of, nearly, practically, really, seems, simply, somehow, somewhat, sort of, suddenly, that, truly, utterly, were.

I wish I could say when I use the “find” feature on Word that the results come back with no matches. I wish I could say that, but unfortunately it just doesn’t happen. When writing sometimes we fall into the lazy mode of getting the idea down on paper (so to speak) and not looking at construction. There is really nothing wrong with that as long as we go back and make the corrections.

*Piece of fiction warning

To end the week I have a little Haiku which sums up the editing process.

Edit This by John W. Howell

Every word I wrote,

Placed carefully on the page. . .

Comes under the knife.

Have a great weekend. Oh and while you’re up,

would you get me another Margarita? Thanks.

Tropical is as Tropical Does

October 25, 2013October 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

It is Friday and it has been a lovely week. Here in South Texas we got a whole bunch of rain. This means that the water restrictions, as a result of the drought, will be lifted soon. A cold (relatively) front moved in on Tuesday so the night-time lows are in the sixties for the next few days. This means we can open some windows and allow the air conditioner to have a few nights off. We’ll be back to the higher degrees, but for now it is great. The cold front also signals the end of the hurricane season so we can put the survival gear back in the closet and enjoy the rain and wind without worrying about the surge and damage that hurricanes bring.

You know you live in a tropical climate when you become pretty nonchalant about storms with names. The only time it gets dicey is when the barometric pressure starts dropping toward the nine-hundreds. Oh yes we have a barometer that we read and understand. I never thought I would ever be able to understand the barometric pressure situation. There are other things about living in a tropical climate that I never thought about. Here are some:

Never thought I would understand the difference between a cockroach and Palmetto bug. (hint: there is none, nicer name is all)
Never thought I would need a dermatologist on call. (Knows me by name)
Never thought I would stop wearing socks. (and underwear)
Never thought I would be concerned about gophers and spiders the size of gophers. (Both carry weapons)
Never thought I would be concerned about door hinges rusting off from the salty spray. (No slamming of doors around here)
Never thought I would have to have the house repainted every three years. (salty spray again)
Never thought I would be concerned when a gang of ants decide they want the patio furniture. (I just give it to ‘em now)
Never thought I would be glad for a cloudy day. (Few and far between)
Never thought I would be super happy to have spent the money for a parts and labor extended warrantee on the air conditioning system. (Full ten-year and the system has been replaced twice)

There are more, but it is time to wish you all a happy weekend

Community Story Board Prompt – Frost is and Does

October 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 6 Comments

Here is my interpretation of the Prompt ‘Frost” created by Susan Nichols for the Community Story Board

I watched this old guy struggle with the heavy outer door and finally make it into the bank. He crossed the marble foyer and looked like he was going to end up at my cage. I could see he was dressed in some baggy pants, a checkered shirt, and was wearing a hounds tooth fabric hat like the ones I’ve seen on old guys driving a Mercury Marquis in the fast lane at about thirty miles an hour. He was carrying what looked like an ecologically friendly supermarket shopping bag. Sure enough he came up to my position.

“Can I help you sir?”

“You look like you are able to do that.”

“Excuse me sir?”

“Well you asked if you could help me and I made the judgment that you looked able. Now if you had said, ‘may I help you sir?’ I would have said ‘Yes you can.’”

“Yes sir. I get it. Bad grammar on my part.”

“Don’t feel alone son. I hear bad grammar all the time.”

“Yes sir. May I help you?”

“My name is Frost. Jack Frost.”

“Yes sir. . . er Jack Frost?”

“Yeah kid and before you go on, let me say I’ve heard them all over the last eighty years.”

“I’m sure you have sir. What can I do for you?”

“I would like to make a withdrawal and I don’t have any of the forms.”

“No problem sir. I can help you right here. I’ll fill them out for you. Do you have an account number?”

“No I don’t. Can’t remember where I put the darn card with numbers on it.”

“Here I’ll just look up your account under your name. Could I have your address as well?”

“Sure it’s. . . Damn I can’t remember it either.”

“Oh sir don’t worry, I’ll just look up your name and then maybe there will be only one Jack Frost.”

“Yeah I don’t imagine there will be a lot of them.”

“Okay sir. I don’t seem to be able to find your name in our system.”

“Well that is real strange isn’t it? I could’ve sworn I had an account here.”

“Looks like you don’t. Maybe it is another bank that looks like this one.”

“Yeah you may be right. At my age everything pretty much looks the same.”

“Can I help you any further?”

“Yeah you can. As long as I am here why don’t you open your cash drawer and pull out all the money and pass it to me.”

“You must be joking sir. You know it is a federal offense to rob a bank.”

“So who’s robbing? I am making a withdrawal like I said I wanted to do.”

“But sir you have no money in this bank so you are taking someone else’s money which is robbery.”

“Have you touched the silent alarm button?”

“No. I don’t think you are serious and you should just turn around and leave. No one has to know.”

“Good. Now what do you think I have in this bag that I am eventually going to put the money in?”

“I have no idea sir.”

“Does dynamite ring a bell with you?”

“Dynamite?”

“Shush. Do you want it to go off?”

“No for heaven’s sake.”

“Here take a look. What do you see?”

“Well some sticks and wires.”

“That’s right. Notice this wire that is wrapped around my finger? That’s the one that makes this whole shebang go bang if you catch my drift. Even if I drop the bag the wire will pull the trigger, so be real careful and give me the money.”

“Yes sir. I must say I hope you are very proud of yourself by coming in here and scaring me to death not to mention putting everyone at risk.”

“Yeah sure. I’m a bad one alright. Keep shoveling the money.”

“There is no more in my drawer.”

“Okay so you need to give me about five minutes to clear the bank. You don’t want to be responsible for people getting hurt if the bomb inadvertently goes off. After five minutes you can call in the Marines for all I care.”

“One more question before you go.”

“Yeah what?”

“Your name. Is it really Jack Frost?”

“Kid, I hope you have a strong person in your life.”

“Why’s that.”

“You have to be the most gullible person on Earth and you need someone to watch out for you. See ya around.”

“Yeah see ya. . . I mean. . . go to hell . . .”

Prompt is as Prompt Does – Community Story Board

October 13, 2013October 13, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 5 Comments

It’s Sunday, and time once again for the Weekly Prompt at The Community Story Board. Go here for details

http://wp.me/p3xQw1-1Ga

This week is to see what everyone can do with the word “Yesterday …”

Interpret it as you will, but the word yesterday must appear somewhere in your work, be it the title or in the middle of a sentence. Write poetry, prose, fiction, or memoir it is yours to create.

Here is mine:

“Yes sir. Can I help you?”

“I’m not sure. I think I have lost my way. Is this a hotel?”

“No sir. This is not a hotel it is a reception area.”

“Well it looks like a hotel. You actually look the front desk clerk.”

“I can assure you sir this is no hotel and I’m not a clerk.”

“Then where am I?”

“Do you remember anything about yesterday?”

“Yesterday? Let me think.”

“Weren’t you driving your car? Going to San Francisco wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I was driving. Wait a minute. I was driving down US One and there was a dog or goat or something in the road.”

“And the ocean was to your left.”

“Yes the ocean was─ wait, how did you know?”

“Don’t worry about that. The ocean was on the left and there was a huge cliff down to the water right?”

“Yeah there was.”

“Go on.”

“I swerved to avoid hitting the animal.”

“To the left or right?”

“What?”

“Did you swerve to the left or right?”

“Let me see. To the left I think.”

“And if you swerved to the left there was nowhere to go but over the cliff.”

“But if I went over the cliff, I would have fallen hundreds of feet to the water.”

“Um. Remember anything?

“Shit. I’m dead, right?”

“You said it not me.”

“Who are you anyway?”

“I’ll give you three guesses.”

Good luck to you all.

Ten No No’s is as Ten No No’s Does

September 30, 2013September 28, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Since a lot of us share in the fantasy of becoming a world famous author, here is the Thirteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel

10. If you are writing the great American novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.

9. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.

8. If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.

7. If you are writing the great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “how you knew that,” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “why haven’t we done that?”

6. If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you a number of stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book as if it is as easy as saying.

5. If you are writing the great American novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue but you might be in a position to need new clothes beyond your tattered trusted terry cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.

4. If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all you.

3. If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as world-famous author you can do it.

2. If you are writing the great American novel, do not suspend normal hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avert unusual questions not to mention a threat of intervention from loved ones.

1. If you are writing the great American novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least it was you who had the faith to get there.