Ten No No’s is as Ten No No’s Does

~ John W. Howell

Since a lot of us share in the fantasy of becoming a world famous author, here is the Thirteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

 

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Ten Things Not To Do When Writing the Great American Novel

10. If you are writing the great American novel, do not begin your manuscript with the words, “It was a dark and stormy night.” These words have already been copyrighted by Snoopy and you could find yourself in a nasty lawsuit.

9.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not let your spouse read a word of it. Your spouse will want to protect you from yourself and make suggestions that could lead to annulment proceedings by both of you.

8.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not use your friends, neighbors or family members as easily identified characters. People tend to be a little touchy when they think you have exposed them for what they really are.

7.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not include sex scenes that at some later time you will need to explain “how you knew that,” to your spouse. Even worse would be the question, “why haven’t we done that?”

6.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not tell anyone you are doing it until it is all done. If you talk too much, the people you tell will give you a number of stories that they are sure you can use. Even worse, you will have to listen to all the stories about how they are also going to write a book as if it is as easy as saying.

5.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not start replacing frustrated moments with food and drink. The frustration will continue but you might be in a position to need new clothes beyond your tattered trusted terry cloth robe for that book launch party. It could also be that you will need to seek help for your addictions.

4.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not assume everyone in the world is causing you to come down with a case of writer’s block. The interruptions are a way for normal people to test whether or not you are still of sound mind and body. The writer’s block is all you.

3.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not try to get your family to understand why you would rather remain behind to tap on your keyboard than to go to the movies, theater, restaurant, bar or sporting event. Simply pretend to have come down with a bout of the flu and let it go. You may have to create some unusual sounds, but as world-famous author you can do it.

2.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not suspend normal hygiene routines. The wild-eyed, disheveled, evil-smelling iconic view of an author is long past. If you are clean and look healthy, you will avert unusual questions not to mention a threat of intervention from loved ones.

1.  If you are writing the great American novel, do not let anyone tell you that you are wasting your time. The fact that you just might be doing so is nobody else’s business but yours. You will eventually reach your goal (or not), but at least it was you who had the faith to get there.

 

 

32 thoughts on “Ten No No’s is as Ten No No’s Does”

  1. Loved it. But there’s no such thing as “a great American novel”. There are only “great novels”. “Wuthering Heights”, “The Old Man and the Sea”, “The Arrow of God”, “Owls Do Cry” are all great novels, and (if you like) as American as they are universal. My favourite writer is Flannery O’Connor. She’s not an American – she’s universal.

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    1. Thank you for the visit and comment. I agree there is no Great American Novel that is why so many authors pursue that designation. I agree on the idea that there are some great ones. O’Connor is great. 🙂

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  6. Number 7 is my favorite, too. I think that’s way I try to write rather mild sex scenes … I don’t need friends (nor husband) wondering about my imagination (or worse, my former life ;))

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  7. #2 has me looking in the mirror to see if my hair needs washing or can it really wait another day. #3 Hit home. My husband wonders why I don’t want to go out, when I used to jump at the opportunity, but now say, “I think I’ll pass.”
    #6 I am getting lesson from a crime reader who knows how every situation should be handled but has never written a book….oh, who the hell am I kidding, John? They all apply…

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  9. If I were to (someday, somehow) write a great novel, it would most likely be classified under Indian – this post has me re-examining my intentions to become American 😛

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  10. I don’t have much chance of writing a great American anything, but I like your tips anyway! Particularly no 3 – most of my friends think I’ve had the flu for a decade 😉

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  13. I got a kick out of this, I’m writing a great american novel and will try to follow your advice. I really like my ratty terry bathrobe though. Also, I’m sure my family has considered intervention, but I try to discourage this by coming out of my writing cave and acting like a normal person once in awhile.

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