Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

October 21, 2013October 17, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the Sixteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list was put together at the request of Minion Leader Ionia Martin at http://readfulthingsblog.com.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library

When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. While you may think that few if any people browse those stacks, chances are there will be at least one lonely doctoral student who will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing all of you great distress.
When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant. Libraries prohibit food and drink as it is, but the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd of children to your table, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if gone, you.
When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will simply point you to the stacks on animal husbandry. At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons. Sound carries and it is the mission of every librarian to ensure a quiet place for study. You may get to finish your call before they find you, but it will be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are done with you and possibly your firstborn as well.
When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters. No matter how adorable your children might be, it is not the purpose nor necessarily the desire for librarians to break up squabbles between 3-year-old twins, assist your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chase after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning. The next time you show up to drop off your kids, the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section. Just because these interactive computer games weren’t available when you were young (much less computers) doesn’t mean that you can push kids out of their chairs and take over the computer. At best, the children will sulkily go away to another room. At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps on your bum.
When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating. If you are caught by a librarian, you will likely wind up having to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance, or, worse, an embarrassing request for a date.
When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary. It would only be a matter of time before the librarians would figure it out that it is you returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest. Once you’re found out, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection, as well as rewind every cassette and video tape.
When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations. Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell coming from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties love the warmth of your shoes and they seem to hold a lot.) At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door. At worst, you will be forced to clean each and every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and start sneezing.
When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few of them, and then just walk away. It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern to the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians. At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books. At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it along with the convicted felon doing community service.

Non-Activity is as Non-Activity Does

September 20, 2013September 19, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

I received a comment on a post celebrating looking forward to the end of the week. The comment was basically about non-activity. Non-activity being defined as something you do that could be considered nothing. This is not to be confused with wasting time since wasting time is an actual activity. Have I lost you yet? Well, in case I have, let me give you an example. Sleeping is a non-activity. It is something you do, but can’t really point to the event as if it were an accomplishment. The exception is, of course all the insomniacs who finally drop off to sleep.

So with that example, here is a list of some non-activities. You may have some you can add. If so go ahead and drop a comment below.

Non-activities:

Remaining on hold while the service technician solves the problems of other customers. You have all been there. You dial customer service and then are told by a recording that other customers are more important than you. The excuse is that all calls are handled in the order that they are received. You really believe this? Somewhere a non-activity director believes you need some non-activity and so *plunk* there you are.
Waiting in line to order a high-priced coffee drink from some stuck up, snot nosed barista who actually think they are a professional. I can’t think of a better non-activity than to take an already fragile and low self-esteem profile and squeeze it through the key hole of rudeness that is the hallmark of so many places today. If your self-esteem profile was high; you would tell the place and the snot nosed barista to shove it, rather than wait ten minutes for a legal beverage.
Sitting in the waiting room of a car dealer waiting for them to finish fixing something on your car that should not have broken in the first place. You get the picture. All those magazines on auto mechanics, tires and cars lying around with no covers and the coffee machine with the out-of-order sign. You were told the repair would take just a few minutes by a big ol boy named Roy, but it has been over an hour and a half. If you are really lucky you will be sharing the waiting room space with a toddler who running back and forth screaming while coughing with the sound you last heard while in the Peace Corps serving in Calcutta. The final non-activity curse is the Wi-Fi is password protected and no one knows the password.
Waiting for a replacement aircraft to be put into service so your flight that has been delayed for three hours can finally take off. This is another of the conundrum type of non-activity events that cause you to wonder who is running the Earth. Yes the aircraft you were scheduled to take needed to be replaced since a critical part is malfunctioning. The key question is “why the hell does it take three hours to find another aircraft that is working?” Don’t think about the fact that maybe the same part is going out at the same time on all the aircraft of this particular airline. Just concentrate on the non-activity. Sit and try not to scream.
Waiting for the results of tests to come back. This one affects us all. It doesn’t matter the test; medical, academic, drug, driving either. We all have that period of time where life is almost impossible to go on normally until the results are known. We tend to be semi-frozen in a state of non-activity since we don’t want to proceed with plans until the test results are in. Once the results are known good or bad, then we can pick up and continue our lives with the new information. The non-activity director relishes the disruptive factor of test results.

Well those are a few of the non-activities that came to my mind. Maybe you can add some more. Have a great weekend.

Dream is as Dream Does

July 19, 2013July 18, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

I have always been fascinated by the power of dreams. Many of my short stories deal with the idea that the dream takes on very realistic attributes. Sometime we are not sure if it was real or not. This little poem attempts to capture the feeling. I hope you like it.

You wake up and are sure it was real,

A forgotten paper that was due in Psychology.

As hard as you try there is no way to explain,

It is fifty percent of the grade for the term.

You feel panic as the realization hits,

There is no way to recover this error.

A story is made up to explain,

That the paper was mailed and must be late.

Situations in dreams make a lot of sense,

In real life, dream logic folds like a circus tent.

The professor accepts the mailed in story,

But then asks for a copy of that cursed report.