Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day.

July 29, 2015July 23, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Librarian signing her memoirs with stamp.

Wednesday story day again and last week we were treated to a situation where Bob’s mother managed to confuse Robert. He is an alternate personality created by Bob. Robert’s sole function is to protect Bob from the psychological ravages inflicted by his mother. Robert seemed a little confused about his identity and called out to Bob for help. Let’s join the two.

“Bob’s not going to come to your aid.”

“Why not?”

“Because he is afraid of me. That’s why.”

“I’m not afraid of you.”

“Then why call for Bob?”

“I just need some questions answered that’s all.”

“Like what questions?”

“You raised a doubt in my mind about the future.”

“The future? Your future you mean?”

“Yes, I guess so.”

“Maybe I can help.”

“I don’t trust you. Bob has told me so many things you have done to him that I hate you.”

“Do you think Bob told you the truth?”

“Of course. Why would he lie? After all, I was there for some of it.”

“You were there?”

“Yes, Bob and I used to trade places when he was feeling especially vulnerable. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I need to get on with protecting Bob and the best way is to shut you up for good.”

“You need to shut up Bob’s mother.”

“Yes, that’s right. Bob’s mother.”

“Take a close look Robert.”

“Oh my god. You’re Charlotte.”

“That’s right. You still think I need shutting up?”

“B─but I don’t understand.”

“It will take some time Robert. Do you have the time?”

“Oh, my gosh.”

Wednesday Story for Hump Day

March 12, 2014March 11, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 6 Comments

No that is not me in the blue hat.

Wednesday comes so fast. We are in the middle of the week and time for a story. Also our little community here at the beach is right inside the first week of Spring Break. The stories I could tell which are not Fiction Favorites. This time of year we absolutely hibernate in order to avoid the chaos. We go to the store only when we absolutely need to go since we buy about two weeks’ worth of stuff so we won’t have to go downtown. Unless the lime juice runs out there is no need to go there. Going downtown normally takes about four minutes. During spring Break you may be lucky to make it in an hour. Sometimes the mayhem gets so out of hand you have no choice but to turn around and go back home. Those of us in the know, simply don’t go out. Enough of my lesson on living in a place where every drunken young adult wants to congregate and drink more. Yeah you are right. We knew this would happen. It’s like hurricanes, we know they could arrive, but it doesn’t stop us from living here.

“So where do you want to go to dinner tonight?”

“Eh I don’t care. You choose.”

“Okay. There is a good pizza place downtown.”

“Mmmm naw. Pizza is loaded with fat and calories.”

“How about a nice burger. The Ground Cow has some really good burgers.”

“Well. . . I gave up beef a couple of years ago. I just don’t want to violate my body with cow flesh.”

“There is a real nice seafood place and we can walk there.”

“Eu seafood. You mean the stuff that comes out of the Gulf?”

“Ah well yeah and it’s really fresh.”

“I hate to be picky, but I just don’t know where the seafood has been and I’m gonna pass.”

“Okay how about a salad then?”

“I’m not sure. You think the greens are okay? I mean I hear a lot about salmonella and stuff.”

“I guess I give up. What can you have for dinner?”

“I think we can stay right here on the beach. These blue corn chips are great and the green tea is cold. There is Grey Goose in the cooler. What else do we need? Besides I can’t stand up. Oh by the way. Got a light?”

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

February 5, 2014February 3, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Wednesday is here so we need to give a small “well done” to each of us for making it. I guess we could give each other high two and one halfs. (The five is for Friday). On Fiction Favorites Wednesday is story day. Today is no exception. Today’s story deals with the vagaries of a relationship between two people who seem undecided about their future. Here it is:

“Okay tell me what you think we should do.”

“Darling I never know what to do in this situation.”

“Well . . . I think we only have a couple of choices sweetheart.”

“I agree honey, but I am having trouble figuring out just what those choices are.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean. Think it would help to talk about the alternatives and then do some kind of pro and con analysis?”

“This is why I feel so safe with you my strong man. You always have a solution when we get stuck.”

“Gosh Audrey, you make me blush.”

“Well you know it is true Frank. I need you to help me out of some really potentially embarrassing positions like this.”

“Positions? I don’t understand.”

“Okay call it situations then.”

“Alright here are our options as I see them.”

“Oh I can’t wait.”

“Excuse me can I continue?”

“Please.”

“We can go ahead and try to move into a better position which should allow us to separate ourselves from the present predicament.”

“I guess that is one alternative. What’s another?”

“We could simply stay in our present position and remain stuck where we are.”

“That one doesn’t get us ahead. I say we go for the better position.”

“I agree we don’t even have do a pro or con.”

“Okay you start the move.”

“We each usually have a Grande latte and since this coupon is good for one free one, I say we split the cost rather than one of us getting a free drink and the other having to pay full price.”

“Genius Frank. What a man.”

Hump Day is as Hump Day Does

January 22, 2014January 21, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is a quick story for hump day. Warning. . . this one is a little weird and came rolling out of my head with little control. It is called My FLY.

“OMG, if I don’t find a place to lay these eggs soon I am going to burst.”

“Now dear you can put those eggs anywhere. You know that.”

“The doctor told me I needed to find some healthy waste so the babies would have a good start.”

“Start schmart. You know those little maggots don’t appreciate anything.”

“Yes, but it is a mother’s duty to give them the best chance.”

“Yeah and what does it get you. When’s the last time we heard from any of those adults? How many are there now a couple a billion?”

“Well dear I’m sure they are just busy. You know with flying around and looking for places to lay eggs. It is nowhere near a billion. I think millions would be more accurate. Of course, who knows how many have been taken by the giant swatter?”

“I heard old man Nichols got swatted last week.”

“Oh my. I hadn’t heard. How’s Mrs. Nichols?”

“Took it real hard. She hasn’t left her dung heap since.”

“I’ll have to stop by and give her my condolences.”

“Now there is an idea. You could kill two birds with one stone. Say hello and you’re sorry to Nichols, then drop off that pile of eggs.”

“You know it just might work. Get my suitcase it is time we went to give birth. Thanks for the idea.”

“No problem. We should probably fly low. I hear there is a swatter up high.”

“You know best dear.”

Ten No Nos is as Ten No Nos Does

January 13, 2014January 10, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 28th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as You Return to Work after a Long Holiday Hiatus

10. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect your coworkers who did not take any time off to appreciate hearing how wonderful your vacation was. At best they will smile absently as you regale them with stories of all the reading you got done. At worst, they will regale you with stories of all the work that’s piled up on your desk, waiting for you and the fact you would be fired if it were not for them.

9. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to incur sympathy by complaining that you had to spend most of it with your in-laws. At best your coworkers will simply try to one-up your story of how your mother-in-law found fault with how you decorated your Christmas tree as usual. At worst, your complaints will be passed to your spouse at the next opportunity.

8. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not pretend to have been gone so long that you forgot your boss’s name. At best, your boss will play along and pretend to forget your name and your salary grade. At worst, your boss, who got called into work on Christmas Eve for an emergency that came up in your area, will purposely forget who you are and have security escort you from the building.

7. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect to find your office or cubicle in the same condition as you last saw it. At best, it might be cleaner since the cleaning crew actually had a chance to clean it while you were gone since most surfaces were uncovered. At worst, you will find things missing (like your favorite Lord of the Rings post-up notes) because your coworkers took advantage of your absence and treated your office like a come-help-yourself supply depot.

6. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, don’t expect you can spend most of your first day back getting “reacquainted” with your job. At best, your boss will grudgingly give you permission to spend the day reviewing stuff rather than doing stuff, but in the end it will cost you. At worst, your boss will offer you the opportunity to get “acquainted” with the new unemployment policies if you don’t step up.

5. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not try to make it sound like your break was more fun than it was. At best, you’ll only be competing with your cubicle-mate who, like you, basically stayed home and read all day. At worst, you’ll find yourself making up stories about scuba diving off the Florida Keys just because your supervisor hung out at a nude beach in Pensacola.

4. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, be sure to leave your house at least a half-hour earlier than usual. At best, you’ll get to work earlier and have some “quiet time” before the reality of being back hits you. At worst, you’ll need that extra half-hour because you’ve forgotten where you work and you get lost along the way. (You did drop crumbs didn’t you?)

3. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not bring with you all the cookies and cakes left over from your holiday parties. At best, your coworkers will just give you the evil eye since they had resolved to stop eating sweets after the holidays. At worst, the three-week old sweets that you left out for everyone else will mysteriously wind up on your office chair, in the shape of a horse’s head.

2. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not be surprised if the work you thought your coworker would do on your behalf didn’t get done. At best, you’ll find a neat stack of reports that need to be reviewed by close of business the day you return and the coworker who had offered to review the reports out on sick leave. At worst, you’ll find piles of documents strewn across your desk with no clue when they are due or who left them for you, and your boss standing outside impatiently tapping a foot waiting for your report.

1. When returning to work after a long holiday hiatus, do not expect everyone, including you, to be in a cheery, ready-to-get-to-work mood. At best, you all will just be experiencing temporary post-holiday depression that will lift after a few days. At worst, the reality that there are no more holidays until May will hit you like a sledgehammer and you’ll have a four-month long headache to show for it.

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

December 16, 2013December 12, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 24th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling With a Cat

10. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that your cat will not get car sick. Take it for a short spin first. Usually five minutes is long enough to determine if you will need to pull over to the side of the road and empty the pet carrier of the results of a double end evacuation response while keeping kitty contained in the car.

9. When traveling with a cat by car, do not assume that because your cat sleeps all day, it will also sleep through a two-day trip up the coast. At best, your cat will keep a running commentary in cat-speak attempting to convince you to provide a release from the confining pet carrier. At worst, your cat will scream like a banshee and you’ll end up with hearing loss as a lasting souvenir of the trip.

8. When traveling with a cat by car, and your cat is behaving in the worst-case scenario of #9, do not let your cat out of the pet carrier thinking it just needs a little room to stretch out. At best, your cat will simply continue to howl, but now with the added advantage of being to do so directly into your ear. At worst, your cat will nose-dive to the floor on the driver’s side, and you will narrowly miss a few or more accidents as you keep stepping on your cat while feeling for the brake.

7. When traveling with a cat by train, do not try to sneak your cat on board what you know is a non-pet-friendly train. Just because you’ve trained your cat to lay across your shoulders like an overfed mink stole, doesn’t mean that the conductor will be fooled. One growl from Fluffy might be enough to find yourself and your cat dropped off at the next station, if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, you’ll be charged with animal abuse and Fluffy will have the satisfaction of seeing you take the perp walk off the train.

6. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think that your fellow travelers will find your cat’s antics as amusing as you do. Hiding under your seat and swiping at every foot that passes by within an inch of Smoky’s nose is at best annoying to passengers trying to walk the aisle unmolested. At worst, you will have forgotten to clip Smoky’s claws and so those needle-sharp claws will snag on every sock or exposed skin that passes by.

5. When traveling with a cat by train, do not think it is okay to allow your cat to use the seat upholstery as a scratching post. At best, you’ll simply be admonished by the conductor to put Tigger back in his pet carrier (providing that you are not guilty of #7). At worst, you will be made to take a pair of scissors and needle and thread and attempt to repair the damage done by Tigger (and he will watch you the whole time with great satisfaction).

4. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not think that once the seatbelt sign has been turned off that you can let Kitty out of the pet carrier stowed under the seat in front of you. While you may think Kitty won’t bolt the second she senses freedom, in fact, she will. In the best case, she’ll get no farther than the passenger next to you who just happened to bring a chicken sandwich on board. In the worst case, she will go careening down the aisle and into First Class, lost to you forever.

3. When traveling with a cat by plane, do not assume that Felix, who had never worn a leash and harness before, will remain calm while going through the security checkpoint. At best, Felix will simply attach himself to your leg like Velcro and the TSA will defer giving you a full body scan. At worst, Felix will make the Tasmanian devil seem meek by comparison and you will be held financially responsible for the “pain and suffering” of the TSA agents if not tasered first.

2. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, well, first ask yourself why you would do that. Then, if Merlin manages to escape from your cabin, the best you can hope for is someone finding Merlin huddled in the kitchen, sampling the chicken being prepared for that evening’s meal. In the worst-case scenario, the ship’s crew will have found a new mascot.

1. When traveling with a cat on a cruise ship, don’t let the staff talk you into working Snowy as a mouser in return for a discount on your ticket. For one thing, there probably aren’t any little mice on the ship and what she comes across may just catch her instead. For another, Snowy prefers Fancy Feast’s Beef and Cheddar Cheese Feast and will undoubtedly go on a hunger strike if she is served anything different.

Gift List Is as Gift List Does

December 13, 2013December 10, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

Friday is upon us once more. The way these days rush by, before we know it, we will be faced with a very few shopping days left until Christmas. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to get moving on the gift hunt. I don’t know if the year moved so fast I couldn’t keep up with it or what? It seems this year snuck in while I was asleep or something. Usually I have all the gifts bought and wrapped by now. I can tell you one thing, I am starting to get a feeling that borders on A PANIC ATTACK.

I have no idea what to get. I have tried all year to think of the perfect gifts. I even have a list, but when I look at it I get this sick feeling that my gift ideas can’t suck enough. I have a real problem finding the kinds of things that express my feelings for those on my list. I have always fantasized about a gift list which would be just right. It would include some really nice things and cost a bundle. Unfortunately I have not won the Mega lottery or been born to the manor. Which brings to mind the question; what are the gifts that the super-rich buy for each other? The nice thing about fiction, we can go right ahead and make a list. So here goes. The fantasy list of gifts that the superrich may buy this year:

A new Rolls Royce Phantom Sedan for $398,375.00 base price. (options could add another $50,000.00) The gift giver would have a beauty which gets 11 MPG city and 19 MPG country. By the way, if there are worries about gas mileage the buyer might pass on this one.

A new Gulfstream G650 for $65,000,000.00. The gift giver and recipient would enjoy worldwide connections at top speeds of 800 MPH. In case the gift giver thinks the gift is exclusive, there are already 200 of these puppy’s on order.

A beautiful summer home in Southampton New York for $45,500,000.00. This has seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms and about 6,700 square feet. If the giver is a little squeezed on cash a mortgage of $179,706.00 per month can be arranged. Let me advise the gift giver you may not get it with a mortgage. At this price cash will be king.

How about the Yacht White Cloud for a measly $15,900,000.00. It is 220 feet long and can sleep ten. The gift giver has to know the fuel capacity is 30,000 gallons and the first and subsequent fill-ups could be over $100,000.00.

Maybe the buyer needs to go to a little more effort to make a statement. The Pink Star Diamond is a 59.60 caret wonder which recently sold for £51.7M ($84,684,307.27 USD) which was a record. The buyer would have to convince whoever bought this rock to resell it. Since the price was £14.1M over the list price it might be tough.

Well there you have the fantasy gift list. When you get your next billion you can let yourself go crazy. Till then, I’ll see you at Wal-Mart. What is on your fantasy gift list? Have a great weekend

The Best Workday Is as The Best Workday Does

November 15, 2013November 14, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

Friday is the day we have been waiting for. We started out the week on Monday and made some personal notes to self that we would never ever party like a rock star again. Look at us today. We are working our duff off so we can go out tonight for another meeting of the Bacchus Brothers Social Club. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US ANYWAY? Did we not learn a valuable lesson last week? Did we not make it home in one piece? Did we not swear to the ceramic deity that we would never cast major dispersion onto the still waters again? Yet here we are looking anxiously forward to another Friday night and weekend. I think insanity has been described as repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. Okay so here is a question:

How many think that the number of drinks we had last week will not produce the same effect as before is we do it again this week? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *Crickets*

I thought not. Of course the answer is, the same number of drinks in the same amount of time will produce the same results. You know the results:

Speaking into the ceramic microphone.
Calling train arrivals such as, “Poughkeepsie,” and “Pittsburg.”
Walking around with a headache so big you wish for bolt of lightning to take you out.
Hands shaking so bad people think you’ve got at least three of each.

Well, since we never learn, here is a little Haiku to help you through the weekend.

Find the light today,

Yesterday is not too clear. . .

Tomorrow is life.

Have a great weekend.

Midweek is as Midweek Does

November 6, 2013November 3, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Wednesday has arrived once again. There is only a short time left if you need to get a ton of things done by Friday. The bright side says that Friday is viewable from Wednesday. One only has to cross the wasteland known as Thursday to make the golden appointment with the entryway to the weekend. The Golden Entryway to the weekend. I like the phrase as it describes Friday pretty nicely.

Since this is only Wednesday let’s not spent too much of Wednesday’s time on the merits of Friday. Wednesday has some really good points of its own. (It just occurred to me that I am making these days sound as if they are optional occurrences and I am working as an agent in trying to convince you to select them. Even though these days arrive and we are in no position to reject their arrival, I think it is productive to have some nice things to look forward to as they show up.) So here are some nice things about my old pal Wednesday:

No one gets fired on Wednesday. A particular pleasure of management is to reserve the surprise of the pink slip to Friday so that it can be fully enjoyed over the weekend.
When national holidays occur on Wednesday you can elect to tag on two other days in the beginning or after to make the whole thing worth Five days instead of one.
Bosses day usually falls on a Wednesday and gives you the opportunity to make a number of brownie points that will serve you well for the remainder of the year.
A number of bars and clubs have drink specials on Wednesday which can be a great excuse to celebrate the middle of the work week.
Administrative Assistant Day is on a Wednesday
in April of each year and gives you the opportunity to bribe thank your boss’s administrative assistant for all the wonderful and helpful things done for you.
The most DUI arrests take place on a Friday and the least on a Monday. Wednesday is right in the middle so your odds of avoiding a DUI arrest on Wednesday is very good. Your odds are really great if you don’t drink and drive.
Valentine’s day will not be on a Wednesday until sometime after 2016. This means you are safe on Wednesday if you tend to forget.

Can you think of any other good things for a Wednesday? If so why not share them. Here is hoping you have a good balance of the week

Tropical is as Tropical Does

October 25, 2013October 22, 2013 ~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

It is Friday and it has been a lovely week. Here in South Texas we got a whole bunch of rain. This means that the water restrictions, as a result of the drought, will be lifted soon. A cold (relatively) front moved in on Tuesday so the night-time lows are in the sixties for the next few days. This means we can open some windows and allow the air conditioner to have a few nights off. We’ll be back to the higher degrees, but for now it is great. The cold front also signals the end of the hurricane season so we can put the survival gear back in the closet and enjoy the rain and wind without worrying about the surge and damage that hurricanes bring.

You know you live in a tropical climate when you become pretty nonchalant about storms with names. The only time it gets dicey is when the barometric pressure starts dropping toward the nine-hundreds. Oh yes we have a barometer that we read and understand. I never thought I would ever be able to understand the barometric pressure situation. There are other things about living in a tropical climate that I never thought about. Here are some:

Never thought I would understand the difference between a cockroach and Palmetto bug. (hint: there is none, nicer name is all)
Never thought I would need a dermatologist on call. (Knows me by name)
Never thought I would stop wearing socks. (and underwear)
Never thought I would be concerned about gophers and spiders the size of gophers. (Both carry weapons)
Never thought I would be concerned about door hinges rusting off from the salty spray. (No slamming of doors around here)
Never thought I would have to have the house repainted every three years. (salty spray again)
Never thought I would be concerned when a gang of ants decide they want the patio furniture. (I just give it to ‘em now)
Never thought I would be glad for a cloudy day. (Few and far between)
Never thought I would be super happy to have spent the money for a parts and labor extended warrantee on the air conditioning system. (Full ten-year and the system has been replaced twice)

There are more, but it is time to wish you all a happy weekend