Wednesday Story – Hump Day

September 10, 2014September 5, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Wednesday again and time for a story. This week’s story involves our boy Frank actually trying to do a good deed for someone and getting a little bit overwhelmed. The title is Help and I hope you like it.

“So sir can I help you.”

“What makes you think I need help.”

“Well, you are sitting on the curb and you haven’t moved for the last ten minutes.”

“How do you know. Are you watching me?”

“Well no. I was just sitting on that bench over there having my lunch and noticed you sitting here with your feet in that mud puddle.”

“What’s your name anyway?”

“Frank. How about yours?”

“I don’t have a name you would understand. I was left here from another planet. Now get outta here and leave me alone.”

“Another planet? Which one.”

“Yeah right. You get me to tell where and you go there and turn me in.”

“Turn you in? Turn you in to who?”

“To whom. To whom. Turn in to whom. Damn, I have to listen to the language being slaughtered after ten years of lessons. Just makes you want to spit.”

“Okay sir. I get it. You are a crank and you want to be left alone. Here take this.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s five bucks. Maybe you can get enough wine to kill yourself you old goat.”

“Wine? I don’t drink wine. I’m an officer in the imperial force. We don’t have time for wine.”

“Whatever. Do you want the fiver or not?’

“Not Frank”

“Okay then I tried. See you around old man.”

“Agent Zorra. You okay?”

“Yeah, I never thought that guy would leave.I’m glad I kept my helmet on being under water all this time and holding onto your feet. Pull me out of this water will Ya.”

“The next time we do a transport, I hope you pick a dry spot.’

“Who would have thought a pothole in New York would swallow our ship? I think we better tell Zamboo we have a problem.”

Wednesday Story day – AKA Hump Day

September 3, 2014August 29, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Wednesday is story time again. I have been fascinated by the concepts of good and evil. Not that the two are particularly interesting but what has been interesting to me is in some cases good and evil are basically defined by the culture in which the acts which are labelled good or evil take place. There are some universal standards of good and evil that transcend cultures such as murder and incest, but there are variable definitions of good and evil which can be found around the world. This week’s story is about Frank and his close encounter with evil titled The Devil You Say? I hope you like it.

“So your name is Frank right?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Do I know you?”

“You may have heard of me.”

“Still doesn’t help. You have a name?”

“Well, I prefer His Highness, but Beelzebub will do.”

“Beezlebub? You mean the devil?”

“Ah yes, there is the word most use.”

W-What do you want with me.”

“I have an opportunity for you.”

“Opportunity?”

“Yup. I like that word. Yup, an opportunity.”

“What is it?”

“Whoa, anxious are we?”

Come on. Is it one of those soul sell deals?”

“Well yes, it is Frank. If you sign away your soul I will grant any wish you may have.”

“No tricks. I have seen this kind of thing on TV where the guy signs over his soul and the devil tricks him out of something.”

“No tricks. What would you wish for?”

“Okay, here it is. I wish for twenty million dollars personally handed to me each year for fifty years.”

“Oh, I see you have the time of your life covered so there is no early out. Very clever. Okay, I can grant that wish. Let me check and see the status of your soul. I’ll just use my iPad for a second. Excuse me.”

“Sure.”

“Frank I have some disappointing news for you. I would have been able to grant your wish, but there is only one problem.”

“Problem? What problem?”

“I already have your soul. It was totally committed to me by your own actions so there is no need to provide incentives to get it.”

“There must be some mistake.”

“And you made it Frank.”

Wednesday Story Day – Hump Day

August 27, 2014August 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Hard to believe Wednesday is here already, but I’ll take it. Only a few more until the weekend which I’ll definitely take. Before I get into the story I need to do a little explanation of the role of my recurring character Frank. Frank is a metaphor or if your prefer an icon for all that is evil in the human condition. Frank represents a number of really bad people who I have had the displeasure of knowing. Frank is the kind of guy who would ask to borrow your car and then get involved in a hit and run accident. He would not tell you anything about it and you would be the first to know the circumstances while being questioned by the police. I don’t cut Frank any slack since he is also as symbol for all those nasty folks who do dirty deeds and get away with them. You know the type, the guy who waters his lawn on a non-watering day. He is also the guy who brags about the clerk who mistook his weeks story is titled Now What and I hope you like it.

Now What by John W. Howell ©2104

“So wha’ chew in for?”

“Armed robbery.”

“Whoa. Tha’s heavy sheet.”

“You’d better believe it’s heavy.”

“How’d chew ge’ caught?”

“Hada gun that didn’t work.”

“Naw sheet. Tha’ sucks.”

“Bet your ass that sucks.”

“Wha bout m’ ass?”

“I said not having a gun that works sucks and I would bet your ass on it.”

“Y’ain’t in no position ta bet m’ass.”

“It’s an expression.”

“A wha?”

“Expression. You know a saying.”

Y’name’s Frank right?”

“Yes that’s correct.”

“I’m a sayin Ay don think y’unnerstan what happens when y’take somthin thet don belon’ to Ya.”

“What did I take?”

“Y’bet my ass tha’s wot. Now me an th’ boys’ goin to take yers in return.”

Wednesday Story Day

August 20, 2014August 15, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Wednesday is story day (of course) and this week is no exception. This story today was inspired by a transaction I had with a major retailer where I needed to go on-line and discuss the problem with a chat service. I often wonder where management got the idea of on-line chat as a problem-solving device and why they think it works. Here is the story titled Chat.

Chat by John W. Howell

“Hello, my name is George how may I help you?”

“Hello George. I have a product I need to return as it is defective.”

“I can certainly help you with that. Who am I chatting with?”

“This is Frank.”

“Oh Hello Frank. What is the problem.”

“Well George, I bought this gun through the mail order and I find it does not work.”

“……..Can I have the order number, please?”

“Yes it is 15567396672211336.”

“Thank you. Let me check………….Oh yes, here it is. I see you ordered a 9MM Glock and 100 rounds of ammunition.”

“Yes.”

“And you say it does not work. May I ask what doesn’t work.”

“When you aim the gun and pull the trigger, it doesn’t always fire.”

“I see. Have you tried loading the weapon before pulling the trigger?”

“I always load the weapon.”

“And have you tried pulling back on the slide to inject a round into the chamber.”

“I always cock the weapon.”

“Have you tried releasing the safety?”

“I always release the safety.”

“Do you put your finger on the trigger and pull?”

“Yes.”

“……….one moment until I check with the tier ll techs. Yes, it appears your weapon has some kind of problem. How may times has it failed to fire?”

“Twice.”

“Can you detail these two incidents for me.”

“The first time was when I asked the clerk for the money and she hit the alarm. I shot into the air to scare everyone, but nothing happened. The second time was going out the door of the bank and running into a bunch of police.”

“I think you will need to visit one of our authorized service centers for repairs.”

“I’ll do that George in twenty years. Thanks for your help. I have to shut down now for lights out.”

“Have I answered all your questions and is there anything else I can do to resolve this problem?”

“Sure. Sit on this George.”

“Would you like to remain and fill out our customer satisfaction survey?”

Wednesday Short Story Day

August 13, 2014August 9, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Wednesday is upon us already. We need to feel good about that. This week’s story was prompted by the realization that our children are grown and can make decisions and determine their own outcomes. Sometimes one has to be reminded since it seems like yesterday they were dependent on their parents. Such is not the case anymore. The title of the story is Dear Old Dad and I hope you like it. Happy hump day.

“Hey BB.”

“Oh Hi Megan I’m glad you called.”

“Why’s that? I hope you have a sitter for Saturday night.”

“Yeah, that’s not why I’m glad and yes we have a sitter. I just got off the phone with my dad and I really need someone to talk to.”

“Is he okay?”

“Oh yes, he’s fine. He just drives me up the wall sometimes.’

“He’s not forgetting his pants again is he?”

“No nothing like that. No it’s just he asks me the dumbest questions and I have a tough time understanding where he is coming from.”

“Like what?”

“Well, he asked if I was going to get tennis lessons for Joe.”

“Sounds like an okay question. What is the problem?”

“Of course I’m going to get tennis lessons for Joe. Joe is good but needs to get better. I just wanted to say to him, ‘no dad I decided to eliminate the tennis lessons and cut off food in the bargain to teach Joe not to be so success oriented.’”

“Humm. I see what you mean. What else?”

“He asked about singing lessons for Ali and I wanted to tell him we took the singing lesson money and bought a kyack, beer, chips and cigarettes.”

“Who boy that’s funny.”

“Since I live in Indiana, in one of the most-desirable tourist destinations he thinks I have a washing machine on my front porch. At least he is always wondering about facilities and education. I always joke about the rock where I hand wash the clothes, and sometimes I think he believes me.”

“Maybe he is just concerned.”

“Oh, I know that, it is just sometimes I wonder. I wonder if he can fully grasp what it takes to have a full-time career, raise three kids and support a husband who is also working

“What does he do?”

“He’s a writer. Novelist. In fact, he is the only Type A writer I know.”

“Yikes. No wonder.”

“What? Type A or Novelist?”

“I would say both. I think he probably sees the world from a different point of view and doesn’t have a clue on how the questions come across.”

“I know you’re right. I guess I just needed to vent. He can be a dork at times. I guess we all can.”

“Is a female dork a dorkess.”

“I don’t know. Is a female ass an assess? Goodbye Megan.”

“Goodbye BB. See you Saturday.”

Hump Day Short, Short Story

August 6, 2014August 1, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 26 Comments

Wednesday is here and I’m sure we are all glad it is. I have noticed the summer flying by. I was talking with some folks and came to realize their kids go back to school in two weeks. I can hardly believe it since it only seemed like yesterday that it was Memorial Day.(or even the Forth of July) The end of summer used to put me into a very dark place thinking of all the snow and bad weather to come during the winter months. Of course now that I live in an area where we really don’t start a so-called winter season until after Christmas, I am a little removed from empathy about the meaning of back to school. Today’s story is about the ending of summer. It’s not a back to school story but does explore the feeling of “being over.” The title coincidentally is It’s Over. I hope you enjoy it.

“What do you mean ‘it’s over?”’

“Just what I said. Do you not hear me?”

“I hear you fine, I just don’t understand.”

“Let me explain it to you then. You see there was you and there was me. Then there was you and me. Now there is you and there is me again.”

“You breaking up with me?”

“That’s pretty cold.”

“Excuse me, but what’s pretty cold.”

“The term breaking up. I would hope we would just call it we are now ourselves again.”

“You are yourself without me?”

“Yeah, sorta.”

“’Sorta.’ What do you mean by ‘sorta’”?

“C’on Helen. Let’s not make a scene.”

“Frank. The only scene to be made is me wondering how I picked up your useless ass from the gutter and made you into something and now you say we are no longer a pair.”

“Yeah, well sometimes we have to do good for others to really feel good about ourselves.”

“So helping you get to the top was good for me?”

“Good way to look at it.”

“So if you somehow take a dive and fall to the bottom I will cease to feel good?”

“Another good way to look at it. What’s that?”

“It is a Glock 9MM Frank and I am preparing myself to get real sick over your decline.”

Hump Day – Short, Short, Short Story Day

July 30, 2014June 26, 2024 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Wednesday is here and it looks like the week is going to go by pretty fast. Last week I asked your opinion of the title of this mid-week feature and received some really good responses. The net-net was to indicate in the title that the story is very short (which it is) since a lot of bloggers really don’t have the time to read long posts. So this week the result is up there and hopefully it will lure attract some readers to the actual content. I’ll just have to wait and see. This week’s story concerns the element of not enough time to take care of things properly. It is titled Too Busy and I hope you enjoy it.

“Did you get a chance to read the report I sent you, sir.”

“Sorry Ray, but I just didn’t have a chance to finish it.”

“Did you read any part of it Frank?”

“Well yeah, I got a few pages in.”

“And you ran out of time?”

“Let me be honest. The report was pretty boring and way too long.”

“But the subject of stealing and selling company secrets is a complex subject.”

“Sure. I know that. Don’t worry about it; I forwarded the damn thing up the line. Let’s let the big shots earn their money. As far as I’m concerned you did your job.”

“I wish you had finished the report.”

“We all wish for things that never come true. So sorry Ray what can I do about it now?”

“I guess you’re right. If you had read it and before you sent it on maybe we could have helped you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I named suspects in there Frank and your name was at the top of the list. By the way, corporate security is headed over here. I have to go now.”

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

July 23, 2014July 20, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

I was going to put a title on this piece that read Sexual Discussion NSFW, Pictures Included but chickened out. The title would have been a draw but then the content would not have lived up to the expectation. Y’all would boo and hiss and call me names and I just can’t have that. So why would I even think of a title like that? Good question and I’m glad you asked. It is simple really.I always wonder if the headline really works to draw in a reader. I suppose if I really was talking sexual stuff that was not safe for work and had a bunch of really steamy pictures I would get a few readers that I normally would not get and, therefore, the headline would work.

But let’s just say every day. Does my headline “Wednesday Story Day AKA Hump Day” cause someone (not you certainly cause you are right here reading) to actually read what is written? I wonder. I know if you read this blog because of the headline would you just note that in the comments section. This is not scientific, but what the heck. Can’t hurt. Yes, there is a story here and it is prompted by a sexual discussion. The picture part needs to be in your head and I will add that this story is SFW. It is titled Drug Store. I hope you like it.

“Yes young man can I help you?”

“Yes sir. I have looked all through your store and am having trouble finding a Frisbee.”

“Oh son. That’s because we keep that kind of thing behind the counter.”

“You do. That’s funny cause you can walk right into a Wall Mart and get them.”

“Please. I really doubt that.”

“It’s true. Believe me.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it but in this store we keep all those items behind the counter. What brand are you interested in and are you eighteen?”

“Brand? I already told you. Frisbee. It’s used in the game.”

“Even at your age I did not consider the use of a Frisbee as a game.”

“They had Frisbee’s when you were young.”

“Well, they were not as colorful as they are today, but they got the job done.”

“Job done? I’m still talking about a game.”

“Young man you may think the act of procreation is a game, but I can assure you it is very serious. How old are you?”

“I’m seventeen why?”

“I’m not allowed to sell you a prophylactic unless you are eighteen. Of course, if you have your parent come in I can certainly help you.”

Wednesday Story Day

July 16, 2014July 12, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Wednesday story day again. This week’s story is based on some of my experiences in writing query letters to agents. I have to admit for the most part the responses I had from agents were cordial and for the most part to the point, although one hundred percent of the letters I sent out were not answered. Of those that were answered one hundred percent were rejections. I thought it would be fun to create a situation where a writer wanted to be represented by an agent and would go to extraordinary means. Here is the story titled Query.

“So you might as well have a seat. We don’t normally see people, but since you have been sitting in the lobby for three days we thought we would make an exception in your case.”

“I really appreciate it. I am anxious to get representation and didn’t think my query letter was actually reviewed.”

“Did you get an answer?”

“Yes. Here it is.”

“Let me look. I see I responded to your query and let you know your story was not one which we wanted to represent.”

“That’s what the letter says and why I’m here. Here is a copy of the query I sent.”

“ Let me review it for a moment. Okay, I am ready. So what do you want to know?”

“Why was my story not worth representation?”

“Well, you see that’s the tough part. Some in the firm actually liked your story as you described it.”

“Why reject it then?

“If you look at the first line of your letter you’ll see the word capitulate is misspelled.”

“Yes I see that now. How does that matter.”

“Believe me with the number of queries we get even one misspelled word is enough to say to us that you are not very particular about your work. Also look at the second line. There is a comma missing between two separate thoughts in a sentence.”

“Let me guess. Not very particular about my work. Right?”

“Yes. I have to say also although some of my colleagues liked your query, I personally don’t like these kinds of stories so I would find it hard to sell a publisher on your book.”

“You need to like something in order to sell it? Do you like all your client’s books?”

“Well to be honest No. I am partial to some though.”

“So how do you sell the books you don’t like?”

“They are usually by best-selling authors so it is a no-brainer.”

“I am beginning to understand. You take sure things. You take no risks. An unknown like me would certainly be a risk.”

“Well, that about sums it up.”

“Okay, I think I have taken enough of your time. Thank you Frank.”

“You are welcome Mr. Vonnegut. I certainly hope you don’t give up on your quest to be published. I wish you the best of luck.”

Wednesday Story Day AKA Hump Day

July 9, 2014July 3, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Wednesday is upon us again. I have a feeling since it is the Wednesday after the Fourth of July holiday the week has been moving faster for some reason. I think it is because my granddaughter is visiting me from Indiana. You know how time flies when you are having a good time. So it is with this visit. She is sixteen and a real joy. She will be an exchange student in the fall and it is exciting to see how well her life is developing. I have to give full credit to her mom and dad. They are hands on parents and it really shows. My youngest daughter is visiting at the same time so the house is full of chatter and laughter. Daughter’s life is developing well also. She is a fraud analyst working for a start-up company. Okay, I’ll take part of the credit.

The Fourth of July weekend was the inspiration for the story today. There were so many people and so much trash. You would think none of these folks had the kind of parents who would teach them to behave as if they are human rather than a sty dweller. The story is titled Trash. I hope you like it. Yes, Frank is in it so we know there is a problem right away.

Trash by John W. Howell

“Look at that ass throwing the beer cans in the water.”

“I see him. Do you know him?”

“Nope. I can tell he is from San Antonio though.”

“How can you tell that?”

“Can’t you see the GO SPURs on his wife beater shirt?”

“Yeah, I can.”

“Also he has more beer in a HEB store plastic bag in his hand. Dead tip-off.”

“Should we say anything? I hate that littering.”

“Yeah, you stay here. I’ll go see what he thinks he’s doing. Hey fella.”

“You talkn’ to me.”

“Yeah, I’m talking to you. I was wondering why you were throwing the beer cans into the water.”