Originally posted on August 17th 2015. Still seems to make sense.

***

This list was inspired by hearing many things said in an out-loud voice that would have been better kept to the inside. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

10 Never say out loud, “When is your baby due?” If you do, at best, the person will give you a time of expected delivery but a frown for asking a personal question. At worst, you will be apologetic for making the assumption of motherhood when, in fact, the person has a different condition that the non-recognition of same requires numerous hits about your head and body. (And you thought that umbrella was on account of the rain forecast)

9 Never say out loud, “Do you smell something?” If you do, at best, those around you will wrinkle their nose and assume you are an animal. At worst, big Brutus, who is behind you, will think you are making fun of the fact that he works on an oil rig such a slight will become apparent to you on your way to the ER. (Brutus has some sensitivity about smelling like oil although he has not mastered the art of bathing)

8 Never say out loud, “It’s my turn.” If you do, at best, you will have someone choosing to disagree. At worst, the crowd behind you in line will sense the insecurity of such a statement and push forward in an attempt to eliminate your position in line. (You should not say it even if the clerk asks, “Who’s next?”)

7 Never say out loud, “My, you have a healthy appetite” If you do, at best, you will call attention to the fact that the person ate quite a bit. At worst, you will demonstrate your lack of social grace, and someone might hand you a well-deserved knuckle sandwich. (Which will be 100% fat-free.)

6 Never say out loud, “Is that appropriate wear for a date?” If you do, at best, you might be responsible for the opening salvo of a great teen war. At worst, you might be told that what is worn is nobody’s business and what are you going to do about it? (The next move and ultimate fault for the episode are yours.)

5 Never say out loud, “You out of razors?” If you do, at best, there will be some additional comment about you not liking a particular look. At worst, you will come to understand that razor use is now part of certain banned behaviors of a back to nature group. (That you had no idea existed before now. How do you like my AK47?)

4 Never say out loud, “I hear you’re in Weight Watchers.” If you do, at best, you can expect an unwelcome comment about your weight. At worst, you could be on the receiving end of an invitation to engage in an unnatural act with yourself. (And we are not talking about spanking.)

3 Never say out loud, “Did you have a choice of color?” If you do, at best, the subject of your humor will not laugh with you.  At worst, you might be on the receiving end of some very critical comments about your lavender-colored Ford Focus. (And you know you had a choice.)

2 Never say out loud, “Your children are certainly a handful, aren’t they?” If you do, at best, you will have precipitated a great test of will on the part of the parent. At worst, you will understand what it is like to pick on a baby bear cub. (Running up a tree is probably the best solution.)

1 Never say out loud. “You don’t eat meat. What’s wrong with you?” If you do, at best, those who don’t eat meat will avoid you like the plague. At worst, several Professional Vegan Wrestler Society members will provide a free message, and you will agree there is nothing wrong with people who choose to avoid eating meat. (Admit it you never felt so relaxed. Too bad you can’t feel your feet.)