This week is the 125th anniversary of the first automobile race in the US. The race took place in Chicago and was a 50 mile round trip between Chicago and Evanston. We should go and at least witness the finish. Don’t forget to take a list of things not to do to protect the time continuum. We will need James’ Oldsmobile, so climb in, and we’ll be off.

Top Ten things Not to Do at the First Motor Car Race in the US in 1895

10 Do not complain when only six of the 89 racers entered actually made it to the starting line. If you do, at best, no one will care. At worse, you’ll be overheard by the editor of the Chicago Times-Herald, the sponsor of the race. ( It seems he is not in a good mood, Miikka. A freak snowstorm dumped ten inches of snow and prevented the other starters from showing up. I see he is handing you a snow shovel. Good luck clearing the first 25 miles.)

9 Do not tell Tiny, the WWF champ, that you would like to ride in his entry. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you above the engine noise. At worst, since he has to have a race official riding with him, he will assume you are trying to overweight his vehicle. (It is easy to explain a perceived slight away with Tiny. Of course, you have to allow him to toss you at least ten feet, Miklos. I know the landing isn’t always perfect.)

8 Do not place your money on the electric car entries. If you do, at best, you only bet what you could afford to lose. At worst, you put up the deed to your ranch. (You see, Millard. The two electrics that made the starting line had battery failure after a few minutes. So much for supporting green technology. It will be interesting to see you explain away a deed from 2019.)

7 Do not mention to the race organizer that you figure the race to last at least an hour. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are kidding. At worst, he’ll think you are drunk. (Although the race was only fifty miles, Milos took over ten hours for the first-place finisher to arrive. I noticed the organizer is pointing you out to a couple of Keystone cops. It might be a long night.)

6 Do not try to sell advertising to the first Benz team. If you do, at best, they will laugh. At worst, they’ll tell their sponsor, Macy’s of New York. (Don’t look now, Min, but I think that is a Pinkerton private investigator looking at you. I’m sure the Macy’s wonder what you are up to by soliciting their driver.)

5 Do not ask where you can get a Bud Lite. If you do, at best, someone will think you are talking about a candle. At worst,  you’ll ask a guy named Bud. (Good going, Minoru. Bud thinks you are mocking him, and now he wants satisfaction. He talks about a bare knuckle fight. I hope you have some boxing experience.)

4 Do not predict that one of the three Benz cars will be the winner. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst you’ll make the prediction to Frank Duryea. (Nice move, Misha. Frank was the winner of the race in a car that he and his brother built. He is not happy with you,, so don’t try to get a selfie with him and his car.)

3 Do not belittle the $2000 dollar first prize for the winner. If you do, at best people will think you nuts. At worst, the sponsor will be highly up set. (That $2000 in 1898 is equivalent to over $60,000 in today’s dollars, Miska. That kind of money didn’t grow on trees. The sponsor has decided to toss you out. Good sailing.

2 Do not wait around for the second place finisher. If you do at best someone will buy you a drink. At worst, you’ll miss dinner waiting. (The second place car came in two hours later than the first, Mjolnir. It was a Benz and was the only other care to finish.)

1 Do not congratulate Mr. Macy on his car’s finish. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, he will think you are putting him on. You see, Modi. The Macy sponsored Benz collided with a streetcar on the way to Evanston and with a sleigh and then a horse drawn hack on the return trip. It never made it back.)

This week marks the 153rd anniversary of the debut of the first stock ticker in 1867. The ticker was invented by Edward Calahan, who configured a telegraph machine to deliver stock prices on a thin strip of paper. Whether you care about stocks or not, we have to visit New York and take a look at this thing. While we are there, maybe we can look around and see what the city was like at that time. Jump in James’s Olds, and we’ll be off. Oh, as a reminder, grab this list so that you won’t inadvertently do something to cause a tear in the time continuum. Who wants a shotgun?

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Debut of the First Stock Ticker in 1967 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you go, do not ask the operator for the price of the Consolidated Edison Stock. If you do, at best, he won’t understand you. At worst, he’ll think you are making up a name. (Sure Consolidated Edison is the oldest stock on the exchange, Min, but in 1867, it was named The New York Gas Light Company. The name change came in 1936. Don’t look now, but the operator is talking to that policeman over there.)

9 If you go, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, how his stocks are doing. If you do, at best, Tiny will be distracted. At worse, Tiny, who has missed several Personal Empowerment group sessions mandated by the court, will think you are asking a trick question. (Tiny does not have any stock, Minoru, and he thinks less of himself as a result. When he thinks less of himself, he likes to do things to others, making them feel less. I think you are about to go on a short helicopter ride with no helicopter.)

8 If you go, do not ask about a ticker-tape parade. If you do, at best, the operator will be engrossed in work. At worst, you will get a puzzled look. (The first ticker-tape Parade happened in 1886 to mark the opening of the Statue of Liberty, Misha. Right now, the operator is wondering what the heck is a ticker. That term was only applied to the symbol tape machine in later years and reflected the machine’s sound.)

7 If you go, do not ask for directions to Tiffanys. If you do, at best, no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll ask Alexander Turney Stewart, the father of the department store. (Stewart founded a store called the Marble Palace in 1846, Miska. He then built what is accepted as the first department store in 1862, which tool up a city block and was eight stories high. He is now wondering why you want to visit a place that only sells jewelry. Telling him, you just want to have breakfast there is not cutting any ice with him.)

6 If you go, do not ask if Central Park is safe. If you do, at best, no one will understand your question. At worst, you will ask Frederick Law Olmstead, one of the architects of the park. (Frederick, along with Calvert Vaux, came up with their “Greensward Plan,” which laid out the park to be a rural oasis in the heart of the city, Mjolnir. The park opened in 1859 and has about 2,000,000 visitors a year in 1867. Fredrick has taken offense to your question and looks like he will slap you with a glove. I think I would duck if I were you.)

5 If you go, do not ask for directions to Studio 54. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will ask Owney Geoghegan ex bare-knuckle boxing champ. (Owney opened up a sporting house at 103 Bowery known as “The Bastille of the Bowery,” in 1864, Modi.  He now wants to know all about this Studio 54  business. He is willing to show you his bare-knuckle technique for the information.)

4 If you go, do not ask for directions to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. If you do, at best, you might get directions out of town. At worst, you might ask John Taylor Johnston, a railroad executive, and the first president. (The museum opened in 1872, Mohsen, so I think John wants to ask you a couple of questions about how you came to know about it. I don’t think he sees you knowing as a positive.)

3 If you go, do not ask if the city politicians are honest. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll ask William Tweed, known as Boss Tweed. (I think you are in for a rough time, Monroe. You see, Tweed and his cronies swindled New York out of millions and were finally convicted of forgery and larceny in 1873. That doesn’t help you right now, though. That bucket of cement you are standing in looks a little suspicious.)

2 If you go, do not wonder aloud why The New York Herald does not have an evening edition. (Like you. would) If you do, at best, you’ll get lots of shrugs. At worst, you’ll ask Founded by James Gordon Bennett. (James founded The Evening Telegram in 1867, Montague. He is surprised you don’t know about his newspaper. Get ready for a two-hour lecture.)

1 If you go, do not ask about the absence of skyscrapers in the city. If you do, at best, no one will know what a skyscraper is. At worst, you’ll ask Bradford Gilbert. (Brad was the architect of the first skyscraper in NYC named the Tower Building, Montay. You see, buildings made of brick were limited to height. Brad used structural steel as his building’s skeleton and allowed it’s height to reach ten stories. Yes, Brad is looking at you funny since he has been dealing with the problem for years.)