John Ku – AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay/Good News

April 11, 2025April 10, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

Chase Benoit, who is incarcerated at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center, holds a pair of service dogs in training in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

Today’s good news story comes from the Ass0ciated Press

With tears and tail wags, San Quentin inmates reunite with puppies they raised into service dogs

By OLGA R. RODRIGUEZ – Updated 3:17 PM CDT, April 1, 2025

SAN QUENTIN, Calif. (AP) — Hugs, tears, barking, and tail wagging abounded at San Quentin’s prison when two black Labradors reunited with the incarcerated men who helped raise them to be service dogs.

The emotional reunion brought Chase Benoit, Jared Hansen, and the 2-year-old dogs they helped train Wendel and Artemis. It was the men’s first time seeing their former canine companions again and their first time meeting the dogs’ disabled handlers in person.

Jared Hansen, right, who is incarcerated at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center, visits with Artemis as his handler, Benjamin Carter, looks on in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

The encounter Friday in San Quentin’s main courtyard brought Benoit and Hansen full circle after helping launch the prison’s puppy training program in April 2023.

“Being in this program, it’s given me something that I think I’ve searched for my whole life,” said Benoit, who is serving 15 years to life for second-degree murder. “And that was meaningful purpose, doing something that’s good, better, bigger than myself and feeling like I’m part of something great.”

“He remembers me, for sure, I could tell when he came in. I’m so happy that you love him and that you have a bond,” Benoit told Quigley through an American Sign Language interpreter.

“He’s with me 24/7. He’s very gentle and good with people,” answered Quigley, a recent college graduate who took Wendel home in November after the black Labrador and golden retriever mix completed another six months of professional training outside prison.

Teaching pups the fundamentals in prison

Benoit and Jensen were part of an initial group of four incarcerated trainers who shared their 4-foot-by-10-foot cells with the 4-month-old puppies. The men divided the responsibility of caring for and teaching the dogs foundational commands for a year.

Canine Companions, a nonprofit based in Santa Rosa, runs the program and provides free service dogs to people with disabilities. It has built the San Quentin program to 16 trainers and two dog sitters who, as of this week, are training eight puppies.

Artemis, a black Labrador, was matched with Benjamin Carter, a veterinarian from Portland, Oregon, who uses a wheelchair and traveled to California for the reunion.

Handler Benjamin Carter looks at his service dog Artemis during a gathering at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

Like proud parents, Carter and Hansen shared notes on Artemis’ calm and loving personality and penchant for cuddles.

“Seeing him in action and actually serving somebody in the community, it’s just … I’m at a loss for words right now. It’s amazing!” said Hansen, who has been in prison for 15 years for bank robbery.

Artemis, a service dog, is seen by the wheelchair of handler Benjamin Carter at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg

Artemis, or Artie, pushes door plates, pulls doors open, fetches things around the house, and does many other tasks that would be hard for Carter alone.

First work, then cuddles

“He is responsive when he’s working. He is cuddly when he is off the clock. He’s an amazing companion. And all that structure, love, and trust was built from these guys here, so I’m just super grateful to them,” Carter said.

The puppies are placed with incarcerated trainers when they are between 2 and 4 months old and stay with them until they are about 16 to 17 months old. Every three months, the puppies are taken out for socialization experiences like interacting with children, riding in cars, or going to the grocery store.

Incarcerated men at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center pet a service dog in training at the prison in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

Jared Hansen, who is incarcerated at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center, is greeted by Artemis, a service dog he helped train, in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

The incarcerated men teach the dogs about 20 skills, including fetching, sitting, and walking on a leash. After the dogs leave the prison, they train for several more months with professional trainers.

People incarcerated at San Quentin and who participate in the program have been convicted of crimes that include bank robberies, gun offenses, and murder. Only those in an “earned living unit,” where residents participate in an array of self-help programs, are allowed to apply for puppy training. Inmates with records that include any animal or child cruelty crimes are not allowed to participate, said James Dern, national director of puppy programs for Canine Companions.

The value of time

Dern said dogs trained in their prison programs have a 10% greater success rate at becoming service dogs than other candidates because of the amount of time and care that incarcerated puppy raisers put into their dogs.

Jared Hansen, right, and other incarcerated men at the San Quentin Rehabilitation Center hold up their dog training certificates during a celebration in San Quentin, Calif., Friday, March 28, 2025. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)

“Being given something to care about other than themselves and the opportunity to give back and to sort of start to make amends for the things they have done in their lives can be life-changing,” Dern said.

San Quentin was once home to the largest death row population in the United States. The puppy training program started the year it transformed into a lockup where less-dangerous prisoners receive education, training, and rehabilitation. Since then, another 11 correctional facilities have joined the nonprofit for a total of 24 prison institutions, Dern said.

Speaking to a crowd at the prison chapel gathered to celebrate the program, Benoit credited Canine Companions with bringing out the humanity, love, and caring in the incarcerated community. “Instead of keeping it to themselves within their small community of professional trainers or even volunteer puppy raisers, they shared this with us in prison. I think that’s huge,” he said.

The good news in this story is that people who have made grave mistakes can find a new path by helping others. Today’s JohnKu talks about second chances. I hope you have a delightful weekend.

Should a mistake mean,

That one is damned forever?

Or can good works win.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy and Tempeste and a Ball.

April 10, 2025April 9, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 104 Comments

“Tempest. You awake?”

“Just getting there.”

“We need to go out. It’s a beautiful day.”

“What do you want to do out there.”

“There’s our ball. We could play fetch.”

“Yeah, that does sound like fun.”

“What are you sniffing?”

“I’m not sure, but it is a wild thing.”

“Looks like it ran right through here.”

“Yeah. If I didn’t know better, I would say it was a T-Rex.”

“Come on, T-Rex’s have been extinct for centuries.”

“I’m just saying what my nose is telling me.”

“Now I have to ask. When was the last time your nose came in contact with a T-Rex?”

“Okay, you got me. I have never smelled a T-Rex.”

“Could you be picking up the fragrance of Eau de lizard?”

“You know that makes sense. Same scent family.”

“Well, I can tell you it is not a mammal for sure.”

“How do you know?”

Mammals tend to mark their territory. I don’t pick that up.”

“What about fetching the ball?”

“I think we better report to Mom that some kind of lizard is roaming around out here.”

“Will we come back to play ball?”

“Yeah, right after I file my report.”

“Don’t mention the T-Rex, okay?”

“She wouldn’t believe me even if I did.”

“Good.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Finger Point Prompt – Him the Wedding

April 8, 2025April 7, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

I randomly opened Detour on the Eternal Road to page 229. Three words were closest to my finger when I pointed at the page with my eyes closed. The words were “him the wedding.” I will give this a try as a prompt.

“When is the big day?”

“In another week.”

“You must be getting excited.”

“Excited about what?”

“Well, there’s him, the wedding, and all the people.”

“As far as “him” is concerned, we have known each other for years.”

“How about the wedding?”

“Everything is all planned. The food is ordered, the place selected, and invitations are out. We are ready.”

“How about your honeymoon?”

“We’ve decided to stay at home for a few weeks. He will need to get his head on straight after all that attention.”

“So you will have a wedding night at home.”

“We think it’s best. Besides, he’s a little self-conscious.”

“I guess I can understand that. I wish I knew who came up with that tradition anyway?”

“Yes, it does seem strange. I suppose there was a good reason, though.”

“Tell me a good reason why the first praying mantis bride ate the head of the groom.”

“Maybe she needed a snack.”

“Yeah, that would work. Anyway, best wishes to you both.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Grocery Shopping

April 7, 2025April 7, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

This post was initially co-authored by Marie Bailey and me in 2014. Since we all still grocery shop, it might still be helpful.

10 When grocery shopping, do not go to the store on an empty stomach. If you do, at best, you will quiet your grumbling stomach with a candy bar or two while waiting in the check-out line. At worst, you will wind up devouring the entire rotisserie chicken that was to be your family’s dinner, guzzling a 64-oz bottle of Coke, and tearing into your kid’s favorite cereal, all before you reach the checkout.

9 When grocery shopping, do not assume that the shortest check-out line is indeed the quickest check-out line. If you do, at best, the person ahead of you with five items will want to use a personal check to pay, and you’ll only have to wait an additional ten minutes while the cashier and store manager figure out a way to finally approve the check. At worst, the person ahead of you with only nine items will question the cashier on each and every item (naturally, all the items were supposed to be on sale, including the ten-gallon water jug, which looks like it came from the employee break area).

8 When grocery shopping, do not assume that all the sale items, especially the 2-for-1 deals, have been entered into the registers. If you do, at best, the cashier will take a few minutes to correct the error. At worst, you’ll be like the guy in #9, having to argue about each item on sale and drawing the ire and ill-will of every other shopper behind you.

7 When grocery shopping, do not assume that your regular grocery store will always and forever maintain the floor layout to which you’ve grown accustomed. If you do, at best, your store might make only subtle changes like moving the eggs from beside the butter to beside the yogurt, but on the same aisle. At worst, one day, you will walk in and become quickly convinced that you’re in the wrong store. You will spend hours trying to find the raisins, which used to be on Aisle 3 among other dried fruits but are now on Aisle 36 next to the juice with the logic that fruit is fruit.

6 When grocery shopping, do not forget to wear noise-reducing earplugs. If you forget your earplugs, at best, you will simply slow your pace and linger longer than planned due to the hypnotic effect of the “music.” At worst, the subliminal messages of “buy more, buy more, buy more” will enter your brain, and you will wind up buying twice as much food as you originally intended, leaving your wallet half as full.

5 When grocery shopping, do not think that by leaving your credit cards and checkbook at home, you can avoid spending over your budget. If you do, at best, the subliminal messages from #6 will cause you some mild embarrassment as you decide to forfeit the bottle of Merlot, Death-by-Chocolate cake, and fancy new plastic wine glasses (all items NOT on your shopping list) because you don’t have enough cash. At worst, either to avoid embarrassment or because you are still prey to the messages of “buy more,” you will leave your items at the register, dash to the ATM, withdraw as much as you can, and then promptly ask for a case of the Merlot (which you may need later when you realize how much you have spent).

4 When grocery shopping, do not think the fresh fruit being offered as a 2-for-1 special is necessarily a great deal. If you do, at best, the fruit will be fine and edible until the following day, when you realize you will have to eat all of it since it is quickly going bad. At worst, after you come home and put all the food away, you decide to have some strawberries and cream only to discover that the 2-for-1 fresh fruit has one layer of fresh fruit atop moldy, squishy fruit, which moves on its own.

3 When grocery shopping, do not think that the baggers are always well-trained. If you do, at best, you will have a bagger who knows enough to put the eggs on top of other items in a bag. At worst, you will get a bagger who either wasn’t trained or doesn’t care and find at home that a large bottle of laundry detergent was packed on top of your package of sushi rolls, which now resemble sushi pancakes.

2 When grocery shopping, do not think that slowly walking down the middle of an aisle with your head down while talking on your cell phone will not annoy anyone. If you do, at best, shoppers trying to get around you may just gently prod your shopping cart and alert you to the need to get out of the way. At worst, you may find yourself pinned between your shopping cart and the cart of the person or persons who finally lost their temper and are now sending you, shopping cart and all, into the egg section.

1 When grocery shopping, do not think being polite to shoppers on cell phones who are oblivious to their surroundings will help you keep your temper. If you do, at best, you will quickly realize that navigating around these people is futile. At worst, you will lose your temper, causing you to crash into the offending shopper with your cart, and the momentum will send you both into the egg section. As with automobile rear-end accidents, you will be the assumed guilty party and the store will charge you for the broken eggs as well as force you to clean up on aisle 6.

Views of the Neighborhood – The Lakeway 5K Wilderness Run

April 6, 2025April 5, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

Today we have to put on our running shoes since we are going to attend the Lakeway 5K Wilderness run. This is an annual event put on by The Friends of the Park. This year over 200 folks signed up to run. The event is free and open to all ages and running abilities.

We are catered by III Forks in Austin. Our entertainment is Jackson Browne.

Snake River Farms – American Wagyu, Gold NY Strip*

Served with flamed Jack Daniel’s Bottled-In-Bond Bourbon Infused Maldon Salt

16 oz

Snake River Farms – American Wagyu, Gold Bone-In Ribeye*

Served with flamed Jack Daniel’s Bottled-In-Bond Bourbon Infused Maldon Salt

24 oz

Classics, Filet Mignon*

6 oz or 8 oz

Atlantic Salmon – tarragon chimichurri

Chilean Seabass

Roasted Chicken

Charred Cauliflower Steak

Let’s get rolling

There’s the sign.

The stage.

The Parks and Recreation table.

Registration.

Juice for later.

Race food – fruit and carbs.

Gift bags.

A quiet chess game before the race.

Warm up exercises.

Getting ready to start.

The firetruck will signal the start.

The mayor, Tom Gilgore (Left) has a few words.

The firetruck horn signals the start.

The race is on.

No, I did not run in the race. At my age even using a wheel chair would be risky. It is time to relax and wait for the runners to return. Let’s have some food and listen to the entertainment.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “Pat”

April 5, 2025April 4, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

The coffee machine, as has become a familiar pattern, informs me of a malfunction. This time, the cappuccino operation is temporarily disabled for repairs. Since that was not on my mind this morning, the news has no impact on me. The coffee button starts the process. In checking the date for April 5th, 1925, the only thing going on is a tornado striking Dade County, Florida, causing damage of $300,000 ($5,000,000 in today’s dollars). Not wanting to be involved with a tornado, the decision is to relax with a cup of coffee and leave the clock for next week.

One sip and the doorbell goes off. The effect is like a klaxon horn in a submarine. The pups take up their battle stations and get ready to dive while barking in volumes that would cripple normal hearing. Before the windows shatter and the ears explode, a toss of a puppy treats into the soundproof room causes a mass exodus to grab one. A slam of the door ends the Hounds of Baskerville sound effects.

Before opening and addressing the visitor, the security system needs to be deactivated. Before that, though, the SWAT team needs to be put on standby. A quick text to the leader confirms that status. The control panel makes the shutdown of the security system process simpler. The boiling oil vats are put on standby, the Trebuchet on safety, the concertina wire rolled, the Claymore mines reset, the tower Gattling guns disengaged, the moat net dropped, the alligators fed, the IUDs and shoulder-held rockets put away. The locks on the door are thrown. A look at the security camera shows a bird that looks very much like a road runner standing on the porch. Throwing open the door startles the bird, and with a “beep-beep,” it goes off down the driveway. There is an envelope left in the wake of the bird. It is from Linda Hill. Once opened, the message reads:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “contains ‘pat.’” Find a word that contains “pat” or use the word “pat” as your prompt. Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

To see what others have done with the prompt, visit Linda’s post. Here is the link: https://lindaghill.com/2025/04/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-5-2025/

“Boy you have that security system deactivation down pat.”

“I’ve been doing it for a while.”

“We didn’t get to see much of the roadrunner.”

“Roadrunner “look alike” you mean.”

“Uh, okay. The point is he didn’t hang around.”

“I think the door scared him.”

“It’s just a door.”

“But that recording of a ghoul scream left over from Halloween might have made the difference.”

“I didn’t hear it.”

“Was meant to be heard by kids only. I guess the bird was on that wave pattern.”

“That doorbell is a pain huh?”

“There is a sign under the bell not to ring it. Most people are good about it. I guess the bird can’t read.”

“Maybe the bird is apathetic to your desires.”

“Okay, you get a bonus point for that.”

“How about something else?”

“Like a Voo Doo Ranger?”

“You order an Uber.”

“Over there.”

“That is a beauty.”

“I like that it says Uber 5000 on the bumper.”

“Let’s just hope it runs.”

“Looks substantial to me.”

“Let’s go then.”

Friday JohnKu -AKA – TGIF – Fri-Yay/Good News

April 4, 2025April 1, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 100 Comments

A sample sheet of the new biodegradable plastic – RIKEN

Today’s good news comes from New Atlas Science, Tech & Innovation News. The story was brought to my attention by Noelle Granger.

New plastic dissolves in the ocean overnight, leaving no microplastics

By Michael Irving March 27, 2025

Plastics are durable and strong, which is great while they’re being used but frustrating when they end up in the environment. Scientists at RIKEN in Japan have developed a new type of plastic that’s just as stable in everyday use but dissolves quickly in saltwater, leaving behind safe compounds.

The benefit of plastics is that they’re made with strong covalent bonds that hold their molecules together, meaning they take a lot of energy to break. This is why they’re so sturdy, long-lasting and perfect for everything from packaging to toys.

But those same strong bonds become a problem after the useful life of a plastic product is over. That cup you used once and threw away will sit in landfill for decades, even centuries, before it fully breaks down. And when it does, it forms microplastic pieces that are turning up in all corners of the natural world, including our own bodies, where they wreak havoc on our health in ways we’re only just beginning to understand.

RIKEN researchers have now developed a new type of plastic that can work just as well as the regular stuff when it’s needed, and break down readily into safe compounds when it’s not. It’s made of what are known as supramolecular polymers, which have reversible bonds that function like sticky notes that can be attached, removed and reattached, according to the team.

The team wanted to make a specific type of supramolecular polymer that would be strong enough for the usual uses of plastic, but could also be made to break down quickly when required, under mild conditions and leaving only non-toxic compounds.

After screening a range of molecules, the researchers identified a particular combination that seemed to have the right properties – sodium hexametaphosphate, which is a common food additive, and monomers based on guanidinium ions, which are used in fertilizers. When these two compounds are mixed together in water, they form a viscous material that can be dried to form plastics.

A reaction between the two ingredients forms “salt bridges” between the molecules that make the material strong and flexible, like conventional plastic. However, when they’re soaked in saltwater, the electrolytes unlock those bonds, and the material dissolves.

An artist's impression of the new plastic, showing the strong bonds above the water and how they break down when submerged in saltwater — An artist’s impression of the new plastic, showing the strong bonds above the water and how they break down when submerged in saltwater – RIKEN

In practice, the team found that the material was just as strong as normal plastic during use, and was non-flammable, colorless and transparent. Immersed in saltwater though, the plastic completely dissolved in about eight and a half hours.

There’s one major hurdle with any degradable plastic material of course: what if it comes into contact with the catalyst for its destruction before you want it to? A plastic cup is no good if certain liquids can dissolve it, after all.

In this case, the team found that applying hydrophobic coatings prevented any early breaking down of the material. When you eventually want to dispose of it, a simple scratch on the surface was enough to let the saltwater back in, allowing the material to dissolve just as quickly as the non-coated sheets.

While some biodegradable plastics can still leave behind harmful microplastics, this material breaks down into nitrogen and phosphorus, which are useful nutrients for plants and microbes. That said, too much of these can be disruptive to the environment as well, so the team suggests the best process might be to do the bulk of the recycling in specialized plants, where the resulting elements can be retrieved for future use.

But if some of it does end up in the ocean, it will be far less harmful, and possibly even beneficial, compared to current plastic waste.

A paper describing the research was published in the journal Science.

The good news in this story is further action is being taken to reduce plastic pollution in our oceans. Today’s JohnKu talks about our oceans. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

More needs to be done,

To help clean up our oceans . . .

They are our lifeline.

Thursday – A Little Personal – Twiggy and Tempeste on the Porch

April 3, 2025April 1, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 109 Comments

“How’s that cot feel, Tempeste?”

“You cannot imagine how warm it is and comfy.”

“This sun is nice, for sure.”

“Why don’t you join me?”

“I like the warm concrete.”

“You would think you were a stray on the street or something.”

“No. It just feels good. It’s like a big hot stone at the spa.”

“You been to a spa?”

“I have not. I think this place has to be a spa, though.”

“It has all the trappings. Good food, no hassles, a guru to show us a better way.”

“Speaking of hassles. What are you doing there?”

“I’m doing a self-imposed massage of my back.”

“I must say you look silly doing it. I’m coming up there.”

“You could try the back message, but I’m afraid you’d never get up.”

“I just love your fat jokes.”

“You must admit being caught on your back is a bit cumbersome.”

“Okay, there is some truth there.”

“I apologize if I hurt your feelings.”

“No hurt feelings. We just have different bodies.”

“For a big-boned person, you do move well.”

“Thanks for that.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Finger Point Prompt – Exterior

April 1, 2025March 31, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

I randomly opened Detour on the Eternal Road to page 61. With eyes closed, I pointed to the page, and my finger fell closest to the word “exterior,” which became the prompt. (Excuse the blurred book content. I didn’t reset the camera, so my hand is the prominent feature.)

“So, what color do you have in mind?”

“For the exterior, I would like something that says “Fall.”

“Fall? Um, can you give me a little more about Fall?”

“Well, you know how you get up after a nice rain, and everything looks colorful?”

“I-I think so.”

“You know how you step off the porch and take a deep breath. You can smell all the fall flowers and see the beautiful leaves.”

“You know, I go to work early and don’t notice.”

“How about when the sun breaks through the clouds and makes little dappled rays in the golden and red leaves.”

“I think I’ve seen that.”

“I want the exterior to look like Fall.”

“Here, let me show you a couple of colors. Maybe you will like them.”

“That one is too yellow.”

“How about this one.”

“Too green.”

“This?”

“Too blue.”

“Okay, I have a better idea. How’s this.”

“OMG, that is perfect.”

“You threw me off a little with your description since I consider this the quintessential fall color.”

“Well, it sure says Fall to me. What do you call that color?”

“It’s called “pumpkin” Mrs. Peter.”

“I think it will make my shell look terrific, and Mr. Peter will like it too.”

“You ever going to leave that guy?”

“No. Peter Peter keeps me very well.”

“Very well. I’ll get started tomorrow.”

“Great.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

March 31, 2025March 30, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

This post was originally published on February 24, 2014. It was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all write reviews (or should), I think it will still be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing a Book Review on Amazon or Anywhere Else

10 When writing a book review, do not provide a five-page synopsis of the book before you even start your review. If you do, at best, readers will just skip the synopsis, and your efforts will be wasted. At worst, readers will confuse the synopsis for your own work, tweet and blog about the review, causing it to go viral and guaranteeing a negative reaction by the author.

9 When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I liked the book. It was really good.” Readers want to know what you liked about the book. If that is all you say, at best, your reviews will simply be ignored. At worst, readers will ignore you in droves when they see you use the same response for everything from Fifty Shades of Gray to Five Billion Years of Solitude and decide not to take your reviews seriously.

8. When writing a book review, do not simply say, “I hated it. It was a waste of time.” If you really didn’t like a book, explain why so the reader can make an informed decision whether or not to read it. If you don’t, at best, readers will just ignore your review, shrugging you off as someone who probably didn’t even read the book. At worst, readers will take exception to your condescending attitude and begin to flag all your reviews as “Not helpful,” quickly causing your reputation as a book reviewer to go south.

7 When writing a book review, do not include spoilers unless you make it clear at the beginning of your review that it contains spoilers. If you do, at best, only a few readers will be disturbed by your spoiler review, and they may even kindly point out your error to you. At worst, a flame war among reviewers of the book will erupt, with you likely getting a call from the author’s pro wrestler brother-in-law, Tiny.

6 When writing a book review, do not think suggesting the author quit writing and take up dishwashing for employment is funny. If you do, at best, readers will take you for the troll you are and ignore you. At worst, you might find yourself suddenly and uncomfortably associated with bullies and brutes, a group of people who tend to eat their own.

5 When writing a book review, do not think the reader needs to know every typo, grammatical error, or other such boo-boo in your review. If you point all these out, at best, your annotations might simply distract the reader from fully understanding what the book is about. At worst, you may be hearing from the author’s attorney because you essentially duplicated the book in your review in your zeal to show your editorial prowess.

4 When writing a book review, do not think that speed reading through a stack of books and then spending a weekend marathon writing reviews will necessarily stoke your reputation as a book reviewer. If you do, at best, readers might be impressed but still wonder about your sanity for producing 60 reviews in 48 hours. At worst, near the end of your marathon reviewing, you conflate Goldfinch with the Peterson Field Guide to Birds, and your reviews become the laughingstock of Amazon reviews.

3 When writing a book review, do not think that just reading a book’s first and last chapter is enough to enable you to write an intelligent book review. If that’s all you do, at best, you’ll wind up just writing “I liked it” or “I hated it” because you really can’t say anything more. At worst, you get called out by another reviewer when you mention the hero survives World War II when, in fact, the book is about zombies, and the hero turns into one in the penultimate chapter.

2 When writing a book review, do not think you need to become an authority on the author of the book you are reviewing. At best, the author will be a stay-at-home mom with two-year-old twins who will feel flattered you think she actually lives a life of romance and danger. At worst, the author could be a lawyer trying his hand at writing fiction and who will not take kindly to your suggestion to the effect: Since he writes from the point of view of a serial killer, he must have experience as a serial killer. In this case, the lawyer may decide to role-play his novel with you as the victim.

1 When writing a book review, do not think you will gain fans and followers by being snarky and rude in your reviews. Okay, you probably will, but consider what kind of fans/followers they will be. At best, they will just be people with nothing better to do than be anonymously rude and snarky on the web. Eventually, you’ll tire of the negativity, change your Gravatar, and start writing constructive reviews. At worst, the people following you could hack into your account and download every Gravatar you’ve ever used and all your email addresses, blogs, and previous book reviews. You will never escape them, making your experience a riveting plot for a dystopian novel. (Whew)