Top Ten No No’s is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments

Here is the 21st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy

turkey-eat-ham

Top Ten Things Not to do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10.  If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. At best the bird might actually look good. At worst you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9.  If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps . . . gimmie three steps mister. . . Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynard Skynard too loud and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7.  If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner.  The turkey won’t care who gets hurts as long as it’s not a turkey.

6.  If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. At best you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst you may burn down your house.

5.  If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4.  If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. At best you’ll wind up with a precooked bird; at worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3.  If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2.  If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the hood of the car. At best your cat may help itself and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner.  At worst you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1.  If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

 

Legends of Windemere Goodreads Giveaway!

~ John W. Howell ~ 2 Comments

Chance to pick up three Charles Yallowitz fantasy novels. These will be collector’s items one day.

Charles Yallowitz's avatarLegends of Windemere

To celebrate the December 1st debut of Legends of Windemere: Allure of the Gypsies, I’m running a Goodreads Giveaway for the USA Territory!

(I’d do more, but foreign mail is not in my current price range.)

One winner will get the following paperbacks:

  1. Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero
  2. Legends of Windemere: Prodigy of Rainbow Tower
  3. Legends of Windemere: Allure of the Gypsies

That’s 3 paperbacks in one Giveaway!  Good luck to everyone who enters!

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Friday Catcher Is as Friday Catcher Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Friday is here. This is a very good thing. I decided in celebration of Friday I would write a very short story about the day. It is in the dialog set that I have been working with lately, so here goes. I hope you like it.

dream catcher

Friday by John W. Howell ©2013

“So what is that thing you got there?”

“It is a Friday catcher.”

“A what?”

“Friday catcher. You heard of a dream catcher right?”

“Well yeah, but never a Friday catcher. How’s it work”

“You put this thing above your bed the night before you want Friday to arrive and then go to sleep.”

“What happens?”

“You wake up and it’s Friday morning.”

“Like the next day?”

“Yeah. Like the next day. Duh.”

“I want to try it.”

“Okay, but make sure you are ready for whatever Friday brings.”

“Waddaya mean?”

“Let’s say it’s Monday night and you want the next day to be Friday. Let’s also say you have a project due on Friday. You just have to make sure you do the project before you use the Friday catcher.”

“Oh I get it. Give it to me I want to use it tonight. I can’t stand Wednesday’s and would like to wake up tomorrow on Friday.”

“Call me when you get up.”

“Will do. See ya.”

***

“Hello this is Helen Baxter. Is this Frank?”

“Uh yes this is Frank.”

“My husband was talking some wild stuff about a Friday thingy that you gave him.”

“Yes I gave him a Friday catcher. What’s the problem?”

“He’s gone.”

“Gone. What do you mean gone?”

“ He went to sleep last night with that thing hanging on the headboard and when I got up he’s missing and so’s the thing.”

“Oh yeah. . . He’ll be back Friday.”

“Friday? Do you know where he went?”

“Not really, but since this is Wednesday and he wanted to wake up on Friday, I assume he is sleeping somewhere.”

“What the hell do you mean somewhere?”

“Where ever the time goes between Wednesday and Friday that’s where he is. Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘I don’t know where the time goes?’ Well I sure don’t know either. Where ever it is, your husband is there. Is it clear? Hello Mrs. Baxter. You still there? Hello.”

Publishing Next Step is as Publishing Next Step Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Wednesday is a good day. I am working to mail off the Galley pages for my novel My GRL to the publisher. I got them last Thursday with a request to get them back by today. As for most requests made of me by the publisher, I need to make the deadline. I still don’t have a release date as yet. The next step should be cover design and I think then we will be ready to go.

I don’t know about you, but when I opened the galley file and came upon the title page I almost lost it. I can hardly believe that after first thinking of the story many moons ago it is almost time to see that story in print. I know you vets are really used to this kind of thing, but as a newbie I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be near the point of publication. Once published the real work will begin, but I am ready for that next step.

Here is a screen shot of the title page. It is no coincidence that a star burst appears near the Martin Sisters Publishing name. They are divine.

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I started the book in April of 2012 and finished the first draft in August of that year. After a bunch of edits, I finally got the courage to start the query process. I began with agent queries and picked up a suitcase full of rejections. While I was trying to attract an agent, it came to me to try a different tactic. I subscribe to Writer’s Market so I punched in a search with the parameters set at publishers who accept un-agented work and are not vanity presses. http://www.martinsisterspublishing.com contacted me after I sent them a query and wanted to execute a contract. You can imagine how long I pondered the prospect. I signed the day it came in and have never looked back.

So now I wait for whatever is next and am still editing my second novel. It is sequel to the first and a story of the character John J. Cannon attempting to survive threats against his life and the security of the US. The second has more bullets and mayhem and prepares us all for the third book in the series.

Well enough of me and my book I hope y’all have an easy hump day.

Top Ten No Nos Is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 21 Comments

Here is the 20th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. This list has been prepared for all you campers who will be taking advantage of the Thanksgiving weekend. We hope you enjoy.
tent
Top Ten Things Not to do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite

10.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet paper for your stay.  Yes, the added bulk and weight of the paper may seem burdensome in your backpack, but you will appreciate the luxury soon after you’ve eaten too much of the wrong kind of berries.

9.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent thinking it will be more protected from the elements there.  If you do, you will likely be rudely surprised in the middle of the night by, at worst, a bear that will find your leg more delicious than your beef jerky, or, at best, a coterie of raccoons who will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes.

8.  If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of the area in which you are camping.  At best Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst the Google map didn’t give you a warning about the five hundred foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below.

7.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters.  No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister.  Without aid, at best you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.

6.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water.  The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst you might get a close up view of the local ER.

5.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun thinking it will be sure protection against any wild animals that you may encounter.  For one thing, you are in their territory and if it isn’t hunting season, you have no right to be toting a lethal weapon.  For another, if you are afraid of wild animals, then you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.

4.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellant.  Be prepared to apply repellant every hour unless you don’t mind being a blood donor for all species of biting insects.

3.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160.  Chances are your feet will wind up in worse condition than is suggested in item #7, and you will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.

2.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across.  Chances are the bear cub is not orphaned, its mama is in smelling distance of you, and you’ll soon find yourself having to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands.

1.  If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not leave your trash behind.  Take out what you pack in.  Otherwise, you might find yourself in a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.

The Best Workday Is as The Best Workday Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

cacfriday5

Friday is the day we have been waiting for. We started out the week on Monday and made some personal notes to self that we would never ever party like a rock star again. Look at us today. We are working our duff off so we can go out tonight for another meeting of the Bacchus Brothers Social Club. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US ANYWAY?  Did we not learn a valuable lesson last week? Did we not make it home in one piece? Did we not swear to the ceramic deity that we would never cast major dispersion onto the still waters again? Yet here we are looking anxiously forward to another Friday night and weekend. I think insanity has been described as repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. Okay so here is a question:

How many think that the number of drinks we had last week will not produce the same effect as before is we do it again this week? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *Crickets*

I thought not. Of course the answer is, the same number of drinks in the same amount of time will produce the same results. You know  the results:

  • Speaking into the ceramic microphone.
  • Calling train arrivals such as, “Poughkeepsie,” and “Pittsburg.”
  • Walking around with a headache so big you wish for bolt of lightning to take you out.
  • Hands shaking so bad people think you’ve got at least three of each.

Well, since we never learn, here is a little Haiku to help you through the weekend.

Get Up By John W. Howell ©2013

Find the light today,

Yesterday is not too clear. . .

Tomorrow is life.

Have a great weekend.

Happy is as Happy Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 22 Comments
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CoCo demands a treat BEFORE being brushed not after
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Lucy is thinking about maybe going for a walk if the sun is not too bright

Wednesday arrives and with it some nice news about one of my fur family members. All our pets are rescues and in one way or another found us as caregivers.

Our Boxer came to us through the Austin Boxer Rescue organization where my wife was volunteering as a foster mom. Her name is Lucy and she had been struck by a car on the streets of San Antonio. She had been pretty well cared for, but was abandoned. She has taken over our couch and bed for the last two years.

Our Silky Terrier CoCo came to us through the San Antonio Animal shelter. She had also been abandoned and left on her own for about five weeks or so. She has been with us for six years.

The good news is CoCo has had her second cancer surgery in the last twelve months. The reason this is good news; CoCo is a very happy, full of life, dog who deserves all the chances she can get for a full life. Once out of surgery, she is as normal as when she went in. Oh yes, we need to give her some medicine and remind her not to scratch, but for all intents and purposes she is the same.

Why I mention this is, if she were any different and if her quality of life no longer remained high, I would do what every responsible pet lover should do and that is cease the extraordinary measures to keep her alive. I made the decision to wait and see how she was after surgery and I am delighted that she is happy and carefree.

Should the tumors return I will do extraordinary measures until such time as it is no longer a loving act.

Some folks must wonder why people place such a premium on the health and welfare of their pets. There could be criticism by those who think animals are not worthy of our concern. I can understand how they feel, but my position is a living being can teach humans a lesson in mercy, grace, and selfless concern for others. These are all things if kept in mind, humans and animals alike would be better off.

A friend of mine who was dying of cancer said to me before he passed, “the only good thing about this is I won’t have to outlive my pets.” Sometimes I wish we could all have pets that outlived us instead of the other way around.

Happy Hump Day Y’all.

CSB Prompt is as CSB Prompt Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 11 Comments
English: Illustration of the pain pathway in R...
English: Illustration of the pain pathway in René Descartes’ Traite de l’homme (Treatise of Man) 1664. The long fiber running from the foot to the cavity in the head is pulled by the heat and releases a fluid that makes the muscles contract. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is in response to the Community Story Board Prompt for this week: Tomorrow by Julian Froment. You can see Julian’s here;     http://goo.gl/ujGp3c

Just Wait by John W. Howell ©2013

“Okay what did you say?”

“I said I can’t believe you forgot about picking me up.”

“Aw honey I didn’t forget.”

“I don’t know what you call it then. I waited at the airport for an hour and no you.”

“I know, I know. It’s just─”

“Just what you dead beat?”

“Well it’s just I made a mistake that’s all. I thought your flight was tomorrow. ”

“Mistake. I would say leaving your wife at the airport so she has to call a cab cause your sorry ass can’t answer the phone is more than a mistake. I told you when I left when the flight was. Here’s the damn schedule right on the table where I left it.”

“I wasn’t home to answer the phone.”

“Tell me something else I don’t know. Who were you with? That slut of a sister-in-law of yours?”

“Naw I was not with Teresa. I was at the doctors.”

“The doctors? What the hell you doing at the doctors.”

“This pain in my chest is worse.”

“Pain what pain?”

“I told you I had a pain.”

“You mean that pain you mentioned a month ago?”

“Yeah that’s it.”

“You said it was cause you got hit on the job. What did the doctor say?”

“Tumor.”

“What? What ya mean tumor?”

“Yeah he said they need to operate tomorrow. If not I would have to wait a month and he thought that might be too late. I told him I couldn’t tomorrow cause you needed to be picked up from the airport.”

“No wait. Call the doctor and tell him you can do it tomorrow.”

“Too late. His office called and told me before you came in that they had another in my place.”

Top Ten No Nos is as Top Ten No Nos Does

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

Here is the Nineteenth installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy. This list is in recognition of those who are planning to travel during the Thanksgiving holiday.

terminal

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Traveling

10.  If you decide to drive your car when traveling, do not pack the trunk and backseat so that all the passengers need supplemental oxygen to stay alive.

9.  While traveling in the car, do not think your favorite onion and Limburger cheese sandwiches will go unnoticed when you go for a snack. If you do, you may find yourself on the roof with grandmother.

8.  If you are the designated driver for a portion of the trip, do not think you can rest your eyes for even a moment. If you do, you may find permanent rest as well as a handsome marker on the side of the highway with your name on it.

7.  If you should experience a flat tire while driving on a trip, do not attempt to instruct your spouse or traveling companion on the intricacies of changing a tire while you stand-off to the side observing. If you do, you may be wearing the spare for the rest of the journey.

6.  If you decide to take an airplane when traveling, do not try to tell security why your religion forbids taking off your shoes. If you do, you may find a full body search applied as the viable alternative.

5.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not call a flight attendant by repeatedly pressing the flight attendant call button. If you do, your reward may just be a visit from Mr. Coffee in your lap.

4.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not complain loudly and frequently about the lack of food or water. If you do, the flight crew might insure that you may get the same experience as you would on the ground at Guantanamo.

3.  When on an airplane while traveling, do not attempt to recline your seat without asking the person behind you if it is OK. If you don’t ask, the passenger behind you may choose to see you later in the terminal where no air marshals are present.

2.  When getting off the airplane and you are seated in the back row, do not try to push your way forward while other people are trying to retrieve their carry-on bags. If you do, you chance being kidnapped by Somali pirates and held for ransom. (Oh, if it only worked that way.)

1.  When walking as a group through the air terminal while traveling, do not walk five abreast while counting the steps to baggage claim to see who wins the bet. If you do, here’s hoping a baggage cart slides sideways trying to stop, but connects with your group like you are ten-pins in a bowling alley.