This post was published on June 18, 2018. The advice still looks good.
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I was inspired to create this list while traveling. As I watched several people reading books and doing other things, I realized that there are several things that one should not do while reading a book. I hope you enjoy this list.
10 If you are reading a book, do not drive a car. If you do, at best, you may lose your place when you drop the book to avoid an accident. At worst, you may lose the book when you end upside down in a culvert. (Didn’t see that curve while you were wrapped up in the murder scene, huh, Esau?)
9 If you are reading a book, do not walk in heavy pedestrian traffic. If you do, at best, you’ll avoid getting knocked down. At worse, you will run into Tiny, the WWF champ, as he is leaving his tactile psychosis support group. (Hard to believe someone has such a problem with being touched. I don’t think offering Tiny the book will offset his reaction, Efrain. Maybe running is a better choice.)
8 If you are reading a book, do not sip hot coffee without taking your eyes off the book. If you do, at best, you’ll only spill a drop. At worst, you might miss your mouth and feel the joy of 180-degree liquid on your chest. ( Lucky for you, Eloi, your lap was under the table.)
7 If you are reading a book, do not step onto an elevator. If you do, at best, there is room for you. At worst, the elevator is packed with members of the NFL bargaining unit members, and they just lost a bargaining point to the owners. (Kind of shocking they wouldn’t make room for a dweeb with a book, Ealdun. Lucky for you, your foot didn’t get stuck in the door.)
6 If you are reading a book, do not eat pasta marinara. If you do, at best, your book is on Kindle, and the screen is cleanable. At worst, you are reading the first edition of War and Peace, which you borrowed from the Library of Congress. (It looks like destroying a national treasure carries a significant penalty, Eban. Maybe a fishing trip to Canada is in order.)
5 If you are reading a book, do not operate machinery. If you do, at best, the mechanism doesn’t have spinning blades. At worst, your machine is designed to chop a twelve-ton steel block into one-inch pieces. (You might want to put that book down, Ebo. It looks like the feeding phase inadvertently has your shirt tangled with the twelve-ton steel block.)
4 If you are reading a book, do not continue your free fall while skydiving. If you do, at best, the exciting part will end in time for the ripcord pull. At worst, you are at the part in the book where the detective is about to expose the murderer’s identity. (Only two more pages, and you’ll know, Edoardo. Too bad the ground is there in one.)
3 If you are reading a book, do not take the black five-diamond downhill ski run. If you do, at best, a ski patrol member will be close. At worst, your fall and roll was the beginning of the giant snowball that crashed into the lodge through the huge dining room floor-to-ceiling window. (Lucky you survived, Eero. The hotel management would like to know if you want to put the $50,000 window on your room tab.)
2 If you are reading a book, do not shoot the curl of a gigantic wave off the coast of Hawaii. If you do, at best, your wipeout will be well offshore. At worst, you will ride the wave entirely distracted until you land on the shore. (Just how hard did you hit the sand, Egon? We sure hope you can get out of that ten-foot-deep crater. Give Egan a hand for that unorthodox landing, folks)
1 If you are reading a book, do not continue to compete in the world airplane aerobatics competition. If you do, at best, you might miss a loop. At worst, you may lose your orientation and think up is down and down is up. (Time to put the book down, Ekon. If you are quick, you just may pull out of this dive before dropping below the horizon. It is very hard below that horizon.)
