Top Ten Things Not to Do Out of Town if You Are an Author.

~ John W. Howell

This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds.

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The inspiration for this list was a trip to Phoenix Arizona this weekend to attend the birthday party of my best friend.

10 If you are an author out of town, do not try to keep up with your e-mails. If you do, at best, in your haste, you’ll trash many e-mails that you want to read. At worst, you will delete your entire e-mail account, including the publishing contract and acceptance letter from Simon & Schuster. (They wanted to hear from you in a week, Eduardo. Oh well, maybe the next book.)

9 If you are an author out of town, do not think Tiny the WWF champ will excuse you for taking all the armrest space on the flight as you work on the next draft of your book on your computer. If you do, at best, you may lose the feeling in that arm. At worst, the plane will be diverted to an alternate airport as the Air Marshals attempt to subdue Tiny, who keeps yelling something about “limb from limb.” (You never knew Tiny had such an uneasy feeling about an arm in his face, did you, Ellis?)

8 If you are an author out of town, do not start reading the hijack scene from your book out loud during your flight. If you do at best, your whisper will be unheard. At worst, some well-meaning passenger will have you in a hammerlock before you can explain. ( I think the part about “This plane is under control of the Hamas empire got the guy upset, don’t you, Esteban?)

7 If you are an author out of town, do not try your latest dialog on a fellow bar patron. If you do, at best, you will be met with stony silence. At worst, the patron will think you are handing out a pick-up line, and your face might be met with the business end of a gin and tonic. (Wow, that was a surprise, huh Emilio? I think the bouncer is headed your way.)

6 If you are an author out of town, do not think you can openly try to explain your next book to a hapless passenger waiting for a flight in the terminal. If you do, at best, you might recognize the eye glaze in enough time to avert embarrassment. At worst, You will have gone one step over the line, and your victim will be anxiously trying to get the attention of the security folks. (Looks like the story might need a bit of rework, Edison.)

5 If you are an author out of town, do not try to place a few of your books on the airport newsstand in the terminal next to a famous author. If you do, at best, they won’t get tossed. At worst, the customer who picks up one of your books suddenly discovers they meant to get the famous author and now demands their money back. (It seems they are quite vocal, Eliot. The clerk cannot find the stock number in the register, and the security is headed this way.)

4 If you are an author out of town, do not try to crash another author’s signing just because you don’t think anyone will recognize you. If you do, at best, you will be asked to leave quietly. At worst, your next-door neighbor just happens to walk in and wonders loudly why you are there. (Looks like the author has noticed you there in the back of the room, Ewan. He is not pleased, and maybe you should not have picked an ex-SEAL author’s party to crash.)

3 If you are an author out of town, do not try to create a new story out of the location of your stay if it is commonplace. If you do, at best, it will be a dead-end story. At worst, once the story is finished, you will realize how boring the location really is. (It would have been nice to discover this earlier, huh, Elgin.)

2 If you are an author out of town, don’t think you must write every sight and conversation in your notebook. If you do, at best, you will miss an authentic experience. At worst, the guy you have been profiling might suddenly catch on. ((You have awakened a sleeping giant, Egan. Too bad the giant is in a witness protection program due to testifying against a mob boss and thinks you made him.)

1 If you are an author out of town, do not miss your flight while trying to get that last paragraph critical to your story written. If you do, at best, there is another flight in an hour. At worst, you just missed the last flight and now must spend the night in the terminal. (It looks like the only spot to sleep is on the floor, Errol. I don’t like the looks of that guy in the hoodie. Do you?)

84 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Out of Town if You Are an Author.”

  2. These are great, John. On my flight back from Iowa, I was in the aisle seat next to a guy who could have been Tiny. No way to share an armrest. I let him have it the whole way. They say middle seat passengers should get both armrests.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Good advice, John. Even neighbors don’t know I’m a writer, and when I travel, I definitely do not mention it. Yep, I’m a classic introvert. 🙄

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’m the travel coordinator for our upcoming Humboldt County Children’s Author Festival in October. (Our 50th anniversary) I oversee getting 25 nationally-known children’s authors here and back home over the four day event. While they’re here, they visit over 60 schools in the county. Your post is making me think of all of the things that can go wrong. 🤣

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Excellent advice, John. I can’t say I’ve done these myself – except maybe for writing down a ton of descriptions and then looking up and asking “What did I miss?”

    Liked by 1 person

  28. What I have learned after being in the game for a few years is, if you’re an author (in town or out) keep your mouth shut because nobody cares one way or the other. At best, they’ll be polite and pretend to care about your latest magnum opus. At worst, they’ll tell you to get a real job that puts groceries on the table and stop thinking you’re F. Scott Fitzgerald. I’ve had both happen to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Great list.

    Even more than the list, your intro line, “This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds” triggered some thoughts.

    These days, at least where I am, a lot of people seem to be saying that we should go back to advice in ancient tomes like the Vedas and the Upanishads. They seem to believe that the current edition of humans is no good. At least he/ she can’t think. And it seems similar for most popular religions.

    Now say someone in 5018 AD (if humanity makes it that far) were to publish this post and say, “This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds.” That would be cool 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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