This post ran on November 13, 2017. I think the advice may hold. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is the approaching holidays, where families all gather around and play a board game or two. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Playing Board Games

10 If you are playing a board game, do not insist on using the same token as last year. If you do, at best, you will be teased for being a stick in the mud. At worst, you’ll have to sit out the game since your older brother already laid claim to the piece. (You believe he did that on purpose, don’t you, Chester?)

9 If you are playing a board game, do not argue with Tiny the WWF champ, who is spending the holidays at your house as part of a prison holiday release program, when he lays down a scrabble word XXZZWMP. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave the game. At worst, you’ll need to find some ice for that black eye. (Mama said not to argue with Tiny, didn’t she, Conor?)

8 If you are playing a board game, do not think by getting monopolies on all the properties, you will win. If you do, at best, no one will have money left. At worst, you could be the cause of your unemployed brother-in-law to go off the deep end. (Maybe you should have let him have a few wins, Collin. You need to talk him down off the roof.)

7 If you are playing a board game, do not start bellyaching if you must go to jail. If you do, at best, the other players will make fun of you. At worst, you will cause everyone to decide to do something different. (Not much fun playing the game alone, is it, Cyrus?)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not try to mark the career cards so you can pick the best career. If you do, at best, you might get caught. At worst, even if you cheat, you lose anyway. (How does this happen, Chance? With a name like yours, you could have just played the game.)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not shout out who killed Mr. Boddy of Tudor Mansion until all the clues are exposed. If you do, at best, the game is over. At worst, you will be eating Thanksgiving dinner outside on the porch. (Kind of chilly here in Minnesota at Thanksgiving, huh, Cecil?)

5 If you are playing a board game, do not set that BIG GULP cup too close to the game. If you do, at best, the condensation off the cup may get some money wet. At worst, an excited player will inadvertently tip the cup over. (Guess where all that soda went, Cormac? Yup, that’s right, the tsunami of Coke and ice wiped the game out, and FEMA doesn’t want to hear about it.)

4 If you are playing a board game, do not think you must play until there is a clear winner. If you do at best, it will be hours. At worst, the game could go on for the entire weekend. ( you planned on doing other things, didn’t you, Crispin? Like take a shower.)

3 If you are playing a board game, do not slip from reality. If you do, at best, others will notice. At worst, you will need to decompress once the game is over. (Your psychologist is not available on Sundays, Carlin. You need to lie down.)

2 If you are playing a board game, do not try to confuse your fellow players with some off-the-wall move. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to stick to the rules. At worst, your off-the-wall move will backfire, and you’ll lose all your gold. (Now, what are you going to use for food, huh, Chase? You are beginning to feel the specter of starvation, aren’t you? What was that about reality?)

1 If you are playing a board game, do not think the rest of the players don’t notice your extra helping of $100.00 bills as you do your banking duties. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to return the bills. At worst, you will be formally banned from the family games and turned over to the justice department for bank fraud. (Okay, so the justice department is not interested, Curt. It is still mighty embarrassing.)

This list was published on November 6, 2017. Folks still live in apartments, so I think it is relevant.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment

The inspiration for this list came as we spent some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best, the manager will visit. At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive, huh, Christopher. Luckily, there was no one in the recliner down there.)

9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best, the police will only warn you. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny, the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)

8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best, you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and go door-pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. It might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s Home” imitation.)

7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best, your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator, believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)

6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing, don’t you, Carter?)

5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best, you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one, did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)

4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best, you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst, your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)

3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best, you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule, which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately, huh, Calvin?)

2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best, you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door, and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage, didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye, by the way?)

1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages that are outside their door. If you do, at best, you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the recipient’s door opened. (The bad part was it was a gift of six Baccarat champagne flutes, which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh, I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)